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i was stressed, angry, and frustrated, then i was at peace

2012-02-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

today was kinda a sucky day. really really sucky day. first, i had to stay in when my vocation says i dont need to. second, i had to do some lame shit duty which was thrown at me at the very last minute and which made me stay in. three, i am going to where i thought i didnt have to. and as a consequent, i have to miss a lot of things which i thought i could attend. and these things are really really important to me.

i was really frustrated and stressed out and i may have had a mini panic attack. so i stated talking to some of my friends and i do have to say thank you to them cos they really made me feel better, and it made me not think about it as such a bad thing. yes, it really sucks, but there is nothing i can do about it and i am better off not worrying about it.

then i started feeling a lot better when i got to meet up with the officers, especially my bmt buddy junkai :) i missed his company so much. but the highlight of this "encounter" was when it made me a little melancholic, yet proud, when he lamented how i should have been with him in OCS, how he firmly believed that i could have been there with him. perhaps i didnt manage to get there, but at least there are some who believed that i was good enough to have made it there. and well, i've been through this many many times. so there should be no regrets cos i made the right decision then. there.

but what finally made me at peace with all the shit that happened to me today was when i went skating alone. as usual, i skated really quickly and the feel of the wind made me feel so refreshed. i went as fast as i could and it felt so exhilarating. when i reached bishan park 1, i started doing a little bit of slalom skating and i somehow "let my body do the talking". i would twist my legs and body here and there, but i realise that i was basically letting my body do it's thing. when i was going to fall, i just let my body regains its balance. and it felt so good cos i knew i was in control of everything i did, but all the small movements seem to come out of no where on its own and it made me feel like i was floating.

and to be honest, when i reached home, i was a little high. not high in the ditsy looney heehee haha kinda way, but high in a peaceful way where i just smile inside, but i dont laugh outward. it felt really good and i was still felt like i was floating when i was sitting about in my room.

in fact, i think my plane just landed. so, whatever comes my way, i think i'll just take it in my stride. i think i will ask, to try to comprehend why there is differing instructions from the same person, but i think it'll help to be just a little nonchalant about it. huzzah!!

oh happy day

2012-02-03T00:14:00.000+08:00

it has been my dream for so long to have an awesome computer and play awesome games. today, this little dream of mine was fulfilled when the games i bought online arrived!!! woohoo!!

i started playing crysis 2 first and it is so awesome! it's definitely better than playing on xbox cos if u play xbox, you're quite far away from the screen so u can't really see as much details. and this computer is seriously damn awesome. i'm playing the game at max specs and there is no problems running the game at all!!

i'm not sure if i should finish this game then play the others, or play all of them. but i think i should do the former cos each game's controls are very different and it will be quite difficult if i'm playing a few games at the same time. i'm still learning the controls of crysis 2, and damn it's quite difficult. games in the past were just w, a, s, d, spacebar, ctrl, shift. or sometimes just up down left right and like z, x, and c. now there is left mouse, right mouse, centre mouse buttons, q, w, e, r, t, a, s, d, f, g, h, z, x, c, v, b, shift, spacebar, 1, 2, 3. still must aim and click omg. insane right?! i think i can go be pilot already haha.

speaking of which, i think i might want to be a pilot. good money, cool job. why not. and oh well, i guess i'm still a little boy at heart. ok wat am i talking about. I AM A LITTLE BOY.

it's alive!!!

2012-01-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

over the last weekend, a new child was born. AND HE IS MY NEW DESKTOP!!!

it was so cool. on saturday, i went to sim lim square with sathia and charlton to go get the parts. and at first i told sathia that my budget was $1500 so he went to piece together everything and it all added up to $1500. but we went down there and i realise that i wanted to get a monitor and wireless adaptor and media card reader and then there were recommendations and all, and everything added up to be $1985.

i told mama that it would be about $1200 so $1985 would definitely have been a huge shocker. so i had to settle for a lousier processor. i think. so anyway, we went back to my place to fix it all up and it was quite fun. and it looks quite simple. keyword: looks. but i'm quite confidant of building a desktop on my own now. but i'll probably still need sathia to come take a look at it. haha! so today he came to my place to install all the necessary software, like the operating system, microsoft office and all the miscellaneous software.

and it was finally time to test the beast. i started with crysis, and i revved it up to the maximum graphic settings. and it ran so damn smoothly, it was crazy. i got a huge shock! and it really felt like i was playing a totally different game hahah

woohoo!! i think this is money well spent. now to wait for my games to arrive :)

music, is like music to my ears, know what i'm sayin'?

2012-01-27T03:49:00.001+08:00

music is simply amazing. i somehow feel grateful and lucky that i am able to enjoy music the way i do right now. i just wished that i was able to enjoy music like so when i was younger. then perhaps all that piano and violin lessons wouldnt have been such a waste of time and money. and perhaps i could have made something out of it. like how it would have definitely helped in my guitar playing now. and perhaps choir.

my repost of karl paulneck's welcome address makes a lot of sense to me, the thing about "music being one of the ways we make sense of our lives, on of the ways in which we express our feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can't with our minds." (it's a huge chunk, i know, but i didn't memorise it. you should totally read it. and the thing about the psychology of throwing in the towel. it's in the jacobish section :D teehee i love that word.) and i personally felt it right just now. i've never ever post anything about girls cos, you know, it's kinda really private. and if any girls mentioned or have yet to be mentioned read about the posts. boy, oh, boy. not good, i tell ya. but i'll make this an exception. just this once. if not this post is kinda redundant.

so i'm a human who is a guy, right? and i'm bound to have feelings for a girl at some points in time, right? i'm in that kind of mood recently but the sad thing for me is that she is sorta taken. so, i was just listening to this song by Andy McKee titled "She" (that's a hyperlink, by the way. SO YOU BETTER CLICK IT OR I WILL FIND YOU, HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.) and the weirdest thing happened.

i felt sad. like, really really sad. it's as if we once shared something really special together, but i seem to have lost her now. and there seems to be this really really really tiny sliver of hope that i may have another shot at this... but you know what was even weirder? i was on fb, and i naturally went to look at her fb profile. i was looking through her pictures then i suddenly felt sort of a heartache and the feeling that i described earlier plus some other which i are a little too private to describe here. and that was obviously when i noticed that i was listening to "She" and then started to think up about all of these stuff...

now, if you're focusing on "oooo... jacob has a crush on a girl..." then you're mad. what i'm trying to say here is first of all, can some one please, please, please explain how the hell music does that? it's controlling my emotions. ok it's affecting my emotions, but it really seems like it's controlling it, doesn't it? secondly, Andy McKee is insane. how the hell is he able to, how the hell is anyone able to perform and have their own emotions projected across to someone else? my guess is that it's probably the emotion he was feeling when he composed and/or performed the song. like, wow. isn't this amazing?

woah, we got a bad ass here.

9gag

2012-01-25T15:19:00.000+08:00

as of yesterday, i have successfully conquered 9gag's hot page :) and that means, as of 25.01.12 at 1507hrs, i have surfed all 5244 pages. it's not an easy achievement i have to say. countless of office hours spent spamming the pages, trying to surf it all. but then again it's not really an achievement. but i'm still blogging about it cos i'm a little sad.

cos if you go to my facebook account, i have 5 albums of random pictures which i think are nice. and i realise that more than half of it are about animals. haha so in a way, you can tell a little bit about me from the pictures which i think are nice. i guess you can also tell a little but about a person from what the person paints or what kind of pictures he takes. ok anw, i digress. i'm sad cos now that i have conquered 9gag, it's pretty redundant that i post things that most people would have already seen. or rather, what most of my friends would have already seen, since my main purpose of having those albums are to share with people what i think is nice. but it's not really a big deal cos i still have other websites. :)

oh and i was talking about money in the other post right. so i was thinking, maybe i should invite my friends on facebook to bid to be my first passenger when i get my driver's license haha. like set up an ebay auction or something.

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!

2012-01-25T01:29:00.000+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year to one and all!!! i would just like to say that for the record, it would be nice to have a rise in fertility rate regardless of the zodiac year. this year confirm lots of babies. two of my cousins are already pregnant. COME ON SINGAPORE!!! make more babies!!!

alrighty. so this year is probably not my year. firstly, i ran into some trouble in work due to some misunderstandings. i managed to resolve it, but it was really nerve-wrecking and i had a mini panic attack after. if i were unsuccessful and if my superior was serious about his accusation (accusation in the most extremely non-negative sense), my superoir could have charge me if he chose to do so. so, thankfully, that's settled. secondly, i played mahjong and blackjack over the past two days. i lost about $40. it's not so much about the money, but i just have no luck. i'm just not meant to win money in this manner. thirdly, my laptop died on me. after three years, it has died on me. i was playing it at first, then i was going out for a few hours so i turned it off. when i came home, the monitor died. right now i'm connecting it to an old monitor. so the laptop is basically functioning as a CPU cos i'm using an external mouse and keyboard as well...

my expediture is gonna be real high i tell you. the laptop is probably going to shut down one component at a time so i'll probably need a new desktop cos i have no need for a laptop. i still have to pay for my driving lessons. i still want to get a road bicycle. i still want to go on a snorkelling holiday this april or july. and i need to build another platform for the terrapins cos i dropped it that day and it cracked...

so, i'm off to a bad start. but hopefully it gets better. even if it doesnt get better now, it will at the end of the year cos, woohoo!!! ORD, baby.

sad part

2012-01-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

ok so first sad thing was last night. i was at 某某人's place (dear, 某某人, if you are reading this, do not take offence. this is just my personal feelings and i do not judge you at all) and then i saw a terrapin that was severely deformed due to 某某人's negligence. from what i have learnt, the terrrapin is probably not fed a proper diet with enough nutrients it needs especially calcium, was not given the chance to sun bathe under real sun or artificial sun and perhaps not even given the chance for it's shell to stay dry. normal terrapin's shells are very beautiful with a sorta oval-rectangle shape that has a very nice downward sloping followed by a small upward curving of the shell and the edges. for this terrapin, the shell is stuck with the circular disc shape that young/baby terrapins have and the edges of the shell is just all curled upward kinda like an abalone shape. it is really disgusting cos the body of the terrapin looks so unprotected and it looks like it's naked. sigh.... i just feel so sad for it cos it's probably suffering. the body is trying to grow, but the shell doesnt. so you can actually imagine how it's feeling. and the worse thing is, that this process is irreversible. nothing in this world can ever repair this. and in fact, i think there is a name for this condition.... and yes! it's called shell rot. how depressing? sigh... i'm so sad now... but i still kinda happy that my terrapins are well taken care of :) they're so cute. and huge!!! i havent carried them in a while and man, they are really quite big now! but i'm a little sad that i can't provide them with the living conditions that i would want to... the family won't allow. sigh. when i have my own house, i shall have a pond built for them. especially if i have a landed property. their pond shall be the centrepiece of my garden mua hahaha. and i'll plant cow grass for them to eat. or maybe have a bed of lettuce. woots!

ok second sad thing. all my friends who enlisted with me are getting commisioned as officers and their status updates are all over facebook. especially the pictures. schoolmates, still alright. just feel a little sian. but those in commando... sigh... i know that i have the ability to be there. but the fact that i'm not and looking at where i am now goes to show that i really screwed up. i am aware of that and it was a very very dark past filled with many many wrong decisions and bad things happening at the wrong place at the wrong time which i took a really long time to get over. but looking at all my coursemates, people whom i know personally just hurts so badly. the worse was looking at people whom i didnt think deserved to be there actually passing out. but the very worse was to see my bmt buddy. i got such a huge shock when i saw his pictures. he changed so much and frankly, i thought that we would be like friends for life cos we were so tight in bmt. but while going through leaders course with him, we grew more distant and finally when he went to ocs, we totally lost contact. come to think of it, it has been six months already... it really sucks you know. it would have been so nice if we could have grown together as brothers till the very end. but god damn it. i'm stuck here. and i dont even like where i am. i dont enjoy myself despite all the perks. fuck i think i'm just being emo right now. and fuck i still smell bbq on me somehow... sigh... i wont let it affect me for long cos i am truly over this whole commando shit, but it really takes me back to the time and i'm reliving the life of the asshole that i was in commando. life of the asshole who had no one to turn to about my panic disorder who decided to become an asshole cos of that. i think. but argh. let's just stop this.

perhaps it was better that i went out of course and everything, without which i wouldnt have been able to join the choir as diligently as i want to. and of course make a whole new batch of friends since i'm not close to my army buddies, i was never close to anyone in rj besides jon and zq and wenjie and junyang, cat high guys are living their own lives in ns, and well, maybe it wouldnt hurt to widen my current circle of friends.

damn it i'm so whiney and emo and all that shit. boo ya sucks. sigh...

oh happy but then oh sad

2012-01-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

ok this is gonna be a really long post.

yesterday, we had the choir bbq thingy. it was really fun and i finally managed to bond with the people like i had set out to. so woots! good job jacob! :)

so, erjie and i were "early" and when all the bbq stuff came, it just felt natural for me to go start the fire cos let's just face it, i think i'm somewhat of a pyromaniac. haha so i started the fire and it was quite ok. i got started the fire with one try. ok maybe one and a half try, cos about two or three of the fire starters went out cos of strong winds. i rmb last last year the bah zhang i had to restart the whole thing three times cos the charcoal just wouldnt light up.

so yeah, erjie and i cooked and it was lots of fun. but erjie felt that there wasnt enough food. hahah but that's only cos we spent all the time cooking and didmt have any food to eat. but it was enough for me :) so after the food, we played the 7-up game. the forfeit was to tell everyone something that they didnt know about me, and cos i'm totally new, it was damn easy hahaha. i would have gone for the story about the baby bat that i kept, but i didnt have to haha. but erjie got sabo-ed and she said about my pole vault thing. a little embaressed, but ah yeah nvm hahaha. then there was this activity about sharing our new year's resolution with someone (which was decided through lottery). i thought that it was meaningful, but you know, you dont really remember your new year's resolution for the whole year, or at least that is the impression i get with resolutions cos i never ever had resolutions. so i felt that it was an initiative that was doomed to fail.

so! the fun began after the bbq thingy. they said that they wanted to play mahjong and i was quite excited to hear that cos i enjoy playing mahjong :) but then just nice, mama said that she was here, so i asked greg if they were really playing and that i wanted to play too. so he said yes, and erjie just went, "ok bye." and stood up and walked off. hahaha dumb bitch. so i called out, "it was nice knowing you!!!" and perhaps i shouted out too loudly cos everyone heard it and they laughed. then i went "ooops...." inside of my mind hahahah!

so we went to greg's place to play. and it was really fun. at first they were reall afraid of me cos they didnt know how "good" i was. and when i was playing, they didnt believe that i play only about once a year. ok, maybe not so little, but i really dont play at all. cos i only play with my family, and they dont seem to like to play. :( alrighty so anyway, last night wasnt really my night. i only won two games, but luckily they were big hands to i only lost $2.20 :) we decided to play one whole round, as in finish the four winds. but when we were down to the second last or third last game, it started to storm. it was quite terrible cos the wind was howling and it was very cold. i wasnt really very cold, but everyone else was, so we decided to speed the game up hahaha it was damn funny. we kept scolding each other to be faster. ok blah blah blah finish the game pack up slack in gerg's room till 4am when the rain stopped went home slept woke up bathed went to church blah blah blah

so church practice was BAD. little sleep plus bbq food is a no go. my voice sucked and i'm not sure if the rest were affected, but i suspect that they were, cos we somehow lacked luster... bernard our choirmaster was visably annoyed and i felt quite bad haha. but oh wells. things turned out a little better the more we sang. so by communion hymn, things were alright i feel :)

and finally! lunch today was awesome, cos i think i've finally managed to be considered as part of the clique! woohoo!! i think there is something else to be happy about but i cant remember... ok wait i do! i washed the terrapins' tank!! omg so happy cos i know that they'll be happy :) it hasnt been thoroughly cleaned in about 5 months. so the filter had 5 months worth of terrapin gunk... hahaha i felt so disgusted when i had to wash the filter... but yayy!! i shall do it again in perhaps april or may or june. hahahaha

alright so now for the sad part. shall post in another post.

looks like the excitement has died down...

2012-01-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

so, it has been a long while since my last post... and i really have nothing to blog about, but you know, it's not me to let my loyal fans down... so...

the excitement from all the new possibilities of a new vocation has died down. no one has done anything and for the past two weeks, i have been doing nothing as a storeman. to be honest, i've been spending 90% of my time in bunk sleeping. and no one has contacted me about a new vocation or anything. i'm still going for overseas exercise and omg i just realised that i'm not going to be around for choir. oh my god... NO!!! why?!?!?! ARGH!!!!! sian. ok life officially sucks now. FUCK.

sigh ok so i'm still going overseas and the only thing that might most probably be happening is that i be a quartermaster and be promoted to 3SG rank. so yeah. sigh. ok life sucks. bye

omg my life is so exciting right now

2012-01-04T22:00:00.001+08:00

on new years, i received a message saying that i have a new vocation as a supply assistant in hq cdo. basically, i'm a storeman back in the current camp i am in. i didnt really know what to feel at first, just a little happy that i'm a storeman cos storeman definitely means a better life than now. and you know what? preparing myself for the worse really helps. if u read one of my previous posts, i said that i will mentally prepare myself that i wont be a medic. and when i realised that i will not be a medic anymore, it was just like, "meh". so yeah. cool :)

so i had a few days to think about it, then it struck me. i have a chance to go back to pasir ris now. when i was in malaysia, (oh yes we went to malaysia, but meh... it was alright... maybe i'll talk about it later.) i used papa's phone to look at facebook. then i saw that the b wing armskote man is leaving for bmt. so i realised that they have an opening for me. and the very image of the armskote man's status update flashed in my mind at that instant. i immediately smsed my friend in pasir ris to ask them if i can take his place.

then yesterday, when i went to report, i found my old bmt platoon mate there and we hit off damn smoothly. we can get along really well and i was actually starting to look forward to being a storeman with him in case the armskote man thing didnt work out. but i was fairly confident of the armskote man thingy. so anyway, we were sent all over camp, looking for people and basically being sent through the system to our final posted unit. but sadly, i was told from the very beginning that being sent to pasir ris is rather unlikely... i felt a little bad at first but i got over it soon enough cos i actually dont mind spending time with my new buddy. and besides, i was still pinning some hopes on to the other side in pasir ris, that maybe they could do something for me.

then the good news started rolling in. i was suddenly told that i could very well be given a chance to be a sergeant again! a third chance!!! who in the whole world will get a third chance?! it was beyond unreal, so i was quite excited about it. and the job was actually something that i may enjoy, of being a quartermaster. but then again, i didnt know the chances of it happening, so i decided not to get to excited about it, and just consider it as one of the possibilities that things may turn out. then during lunch, i suddenly received a call. and guess who it was from. pasir ris! my friend called to ask me about somethings and tell me about what they were trying to do to help me and i was really quite excited. it sounded quite good from their end, but then he said that it's actually up to the people on my side. so it was sort of a thrill kill, but it was alright. and it was good to hear such a familiar voice after so long :)

so, yesterday ended somewhat on a high note. i have an 8-5 job, confirm stay out, no duties, little responsibilities, nice superior, awesome buddy and nice colleagues (sorta., but definitely better than before.). but today turned out to be just a little more awesome.

ok so "bad news" first. if i remain a storeman here, i will be deployed overseas for about 3 weeks sometime this year. but it's not too bad. i dont mind, but my buddy might not join me. but the chances of that are extremely slim.

and now for the really good news. i met my ex-superior in camp today and he asked me what my vocation was so i told him and this was his reply, "what the fuck?! you ri go be storeman ah?!" hahaha it was quite funny. so yeah, he was quite annoyed that my "talents" havent been put to good use. then just then this senior warrant came by and my ex-superior, a first warrant started tooting my horn really loudly. and that made the senior warrant a little interested in me, which got me a little excited. so they asked me a few questions, with a bit of horn tooting (of which i am not responsible for) and next thing i knew, i was introduced to a major, with more horn tooting. then all of a sudden, ltc lim came up from behind and slapped that major's arm and said, "yeah yeah yeah, this guy damn good!" or something like that, then with his arms around another officer's shoulder, he walked away almost roaring with laughter. it was so funny i tell you!! hahaha. and then finally i was introduced to this master warrant whom i know. the talk with him made me really excited because it felt like this conversation was finally going somewhere. he talked about some of the vocations that might be up for grabs which was armskote and clerk. he said, "corporal yao. ok i will remember your name." woohoo!! so this is good news. i know that something is probably going to be done for me. and the really good news is that the few long months i spent in pasir ris while waiting in agony for my medical thing to be finalised was well spent. cos all the work i was tasked with was recognised so much so that so many of the officers know who i am. it feels good cos i am not just some regular joe who went out of course twice over some lame shit. at least this lame shit left his mark. awesome.

hmmm... so, i feel just slightly lost now cos there are so many possibilities to my posting. i'm not really sure what i want, cos everything have their own pros and cons. mostly no cons and that rocks so anything that is given to me, i'll be able to accept it without any whining or watever. but still, i think i want to return to pasir ris. sergeant rank and slack life is definitely not better than being in a camp where you feel at home, feel welcomed and feel like an asset rather than a pawn.

so right. malaysia. it was quite ok. it wasnt fun, i admit. but maybe it wasnt meant to be exciting fun as i have sub-consciously expected. it was really very relaxing and when i was there, i never for once felt like an nsf. you know when you are overseas, then you will always dread leaving that place and be back at your non-holiday life? somehow i didnt feel it this time and perhaps it's a good thing. good thing was, we ended the holiday with a durian feast. yum yum yum... :)

training!!!

2011-12-26T12:52:00.000+08:00

training went well, i suppose. we had jumps training and we did simple take-off jumps only. it feels so good to be jumping again! i cant wait to extend and clear heights! i felt a little unsure at first, but then i be came more comfortable and it just wanted to keep jumping. haha.

so anw, after the jumps, we did this 120m run. 30m stride, the n30m sprint, then 30 stride and 30m sprint. total of four times. at first it was ok. then on the last run i pushed myself really hard. and i suffered for the rest of the training... we had gymnastics workout to do, but i felt nauseated, giddy light-headed. it was terrible... i couldnt stand up, i couldnt sit down, it didnt help to lie down and i had to lao sai cos my shirt was wet and the wind was really strong today. so i walked to the toilet, which was more than a 150m walk. i walked about 50m, then my thighs began to cramp... so i had to rest and stretch every few steps cos the pain was a little too unbearable. i literally kneeled and crawled for a few steps and when i reached the stairs, i kneeled half the way down. then it was a slow trudge to the toilet. right after i lao, i just sat on my throne and basically passed out. i was half asleep, but when i woke up, i felt much better.

haha but i went back to the pole vault pit almost everyone was gone. only wenjie, alex and justina was left haha. so we sat down there and chat for a while and blah blah blah. i'm going to watch a movie sherlock holmes now. bye.

merry christmas!!! part ii

2011-12-25T23:59:00.079+08:00

as promised, part ii!!! ok confession here. i'm only blogging at 12.31, so i went to change the time of posting to 11.59 on the 25th. heh heh... so this is officially still a christmas post on christmas. but dont tell santa. shhhhh....

alrighty, so practice before mass today went really well for us i feel. especially for me. somehow. i felt like i sang well, and my voice sorta listened to me today haha. but during mass, it was a bit very shaky in the beginning. cos one, i was totally caught off guard. i guess i was too used to mass last time when i'll arrive early enough to let my mind relax, drift off and numb itself so i get in the mood for mass. but i guess i shouldnt have done it today... or maybe, it's just a trained reaction that i do whenever i'm nervous. like after so many nerve-wrecking situations i have been in with all the pole vault competitions and all, it sorta just develop this defence mechanism... but ok anw, we were arranging our placements then we sat down for a while and *snap* mass was starting already. i got a huge shock, i fumbled for the scores and for about close to half the mass, my singing was really very shaky and my thoughts were flying everywhere. it was not till when we started singing christmas carol-like hymns that i regained my composure. :D and i enjoyed mass after that!! woohoo! i love choir. :) so excited for the recording now :)

alrighty i'm quite busy these few days and i'm quite happy that i am. i am finally socially active!!! haha like i wanna meet up with a few people but i'm gonna be so busy. especially since i'm gonna go malaysia from 28th to 31st. so tmr i have pole vault training in the morning (SO EXCITED FOR THAT!!!). and in the evening a chalet to go to. then on 27th i'm gonna meet lydia, and perhaps buy me a guitar tuner. and then on 1st jan there is mass then lunch with 10s06e!!! omg cant wait. but kinda dreading it also somehow. :/ and then maybe meeting wenjie on the 2nd of jan and maybe almeric! havent set a date with him yet!! then i also gotta meet mervyn to go shopping for a road bike! yahoo!! cant wait for that :)

hmmm... alrighty about the thing about girls singing and dancing, i feel kinda embarrassed saying it, but here goes. ok let's start with singing first, cos thinking about singing reminded me of dancing. i notice it everytime we sing in choir, where only the ladies will sing. it's very very beautiful and it's actually very very subtly attractive in a non-sexual way, yet in a way that is bordering on being sexual... like something sorta animalistic? like how birds sing in courtship or strut their feathers and stuff. yeah something like that. something awesomely natural and awesomely... awesome. it sorta strikes something in the heart, like the kind of shiokness you feel when some one massages you, just that this time it's ur heart and the feeling is quite subtle(again, the heart, like with the doing the wrong thing thingy. why? this is so weird. have i simply gone mad and am i imagining these stuff?). it makes you say "woah..." and it makes you feel "woah...". so i was just thinking about it, then i thought about dancing. specifically, st nick's family dance. i rmb looking at the whole school dance the family dance when i was just like in primary school and i rmb feeling almost the same way as i did. just that for singing, i can enjoy listening, but for the dance i felt super duper embarrassed and i had to look away. i dunno why!! omg this is so weird. bleagh...

ok anw, i some how didnt feel like playing the guitar today... i wanted to play doing the wrong thing, but my fingers wouldnt listen to me... apparently they feel tired and just wouldnt listen to my brain... so yeah. i'll tell you how training went!! :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! oh and i just watched MI:IV. so, your mission, should you choose to accept, is to lead a life full of joy, passion and excitement just for the heck of it, and to lead a life with sorrow, obstacles and other bad stuff to teach you how to appreciate it when the good stuff are still around. and to make life ever more beautiful in that way. :) love you all!!!

merry christmas!!! part i

2011-12-25T03:18:00.000+08:00

merry christmas!!! this is one of the best christmas ever!!! we did the secret santa thing for the third year, and for the third year running, our secret santas were our own secret santas!!! it was amazing!!! and the best part was, i love my gift and i loved giving my gift!!!

so anw, i got new earpieces which are super duper amazing! i wont be using them outside of home unless i have a bag that i can carry the carrying metal tin around in haha. alrighty. so for jiejie, i got her roller blades which is awesome cos she loves the gift too! but the most awesome part for me was not in getting the gift, but in getting the gift ready. it was really really fun. i wanted to wrap it in the shape of a giant egg, but i gave up cos it was so difficult and i didnt think that it was possible... i tried to make the shape, but i got no where near it. so instead, i settled for the weird shape i was stuck with and decided to make it into a rock. then at that moment, i planned that i shall tell her, "you rock" and give the rock to her. hahahahaha awesome idea right?!?! so cool. then i had freaking loads of fun just trying to decorate it.

i first tried to give it a more regular shape, then i paper mache-ed it. like three layers, which took more more than a week to do cos i didnt always have the time to do it even after i came back from camp. and the paper mache was a pain in the ass cos i had to keep mixing the glue and the water and paint paint paint.... then i had to paint. which was fun! i mixed the black and the white paint together and tried to get the right shade and stuff. then i painted and i decided to add a face, haha it's actually quite funny. but i spent loads of time trying to make the mouth look nice. cos i was too lazy to ask erjie for a thinner brush, i ended up using my fingers to paint the face. and it was really difficult cos the lines were too fat and i had to make it thinner which was really really difficult cos the paint wasnt dry and i would always smudge, then i would have to apply a freaking huge thinck layer of paint and blah blah blah. anyway, it was a success!!!

i said that i wanted to give my gift first cos my gift was suppose to be a surprise. like if i showed everyone, then it wouldnt be fun anymore. haha so they allowed, then jiejie was asking how she was suppose to open the gift, so i ran into my room and gave her my saw to saw through the tons of newspaper hahahaha!!! omg it was so fun!!!! ARGH!!! so she was sawing and i was really really really scared that she would saw through to the wheels cos i forgot the orientation of the gift after i wrapped it like some piece of crap. hahahah. so anyway, everyhing was fine and she loved it!

mua hahahah. so i tried on my new earpiece not too long ago. and it's really amazing. the noise cancellation is superb, i have to say. and compared to my old ear piece, the sound quality is significantly better. it has more gravity, it's more well-rounded, and more importantly, it's bass is stronger without being over-powering. awesome, not? and it's much more comfortable to boot!

oh oh oh and before i forget. i played "doing the wrong thing" to everyone except papa and san jie. they loved it!!! and i loved it too!!! of all the songs i played, i dont ever remember feeling so strong when i first played. it was pure bliss. like the feeling i felt when i went cycling when i was feeling emo, rmb? yeah. i was just sorta previewing the song, looking at the tabs how to play and just playing it randomly. but there were just times when i just felt something in my heart. something really really really good. i'm trying to explain how it feels like here but it's really impossible. it's like falling in love with a girl, but somehow different in a better way. yes, can you believe it? playing the guitar is better than falling in love with a girl. it just feels so right. it feels like my heart became very much lighter, like there was a burst of light exploded from my heart and it spread from my chest to down my spine till it spread through the whole body. i dont know if it's just adrenaline, but... i dont know. i just feel so sad now, cos i'll never ever be able to experience this experience with this song anymore. i'm really really actually very sad. so you know what? i decided to buy me some christmas presents and bought andy mckee tabs and hopefully these new songs would let me feel this way again :) sigh... anyway, i mastered doing the wrong thing in a record time. i would say less than 5hours. it was that simple a song, but it held so much meaning at the same time. right after i played it, erjie immediately said, "i know why it's called doing the wrong thing already. i can feel the confusion that the composer was trying to portray." then jiejie agreed with her. i dunno. now that they say it, then yeah i feel it a little. but when i play it, i dont really feel the confusion, but more of frustration, excitement and maybe personally, bliss. i feel at peace and in a very happy place. it relaxes me and i just feel like going to sleep. but not as much as medieval song puts me to sleep. hahaha.

OMG I LOVE MUSIC!!!

alright. so anyway, i blogged now instead of later after mass cos i was waiting for my tabs to finish downloading. yayy!! i'll definitely blog later, so do remind me to blog about what i feel about girls dancing and singin. :)

bored

2011-12-18T20:33:00.001+08:00

i'm blogging now cos i'm bored. i'm waiting for family guy to load. haha

ok so one of the best decisions i made this week was to create a playlist of my favourite songs. it's keeping me quite happy. :) hmmm.... so nita charlton and i went to watch 50/50 today. it as quite a nice movie. but the funniest thing that happened was when this phone kept ringing and the person didnt pick it up till like 15 seconds later (which feels like an eternity in the cinema, right?). then at that precise moment that the person rejected the call, nita said, "hello?" quite loudly. HAHAHAHA it was freaking hilarious. then the girl beside be started giggling also.

alrighty, so my duties as secret santa is finally over!!! i took less than an afternoon to go get the gift, but i took a few days to complete wrapping the present cos it was sorta like an art project hahaha. i'm not sure if my family reads my blog or not, so just to play safe, i shall only talk about the gift after christmas. :)

so anyway, today was our second last rehearsal till christmas mass. i shoulnt feel any different cos it's just mass, and we usually practice on the day itself. but i'm still pretty nervous. *teeth chatters* we have a final rehearsal on sunday itself, and thank goodness we're suppose to report earlier, even though it's only half an hour earlier. really quite excited now that i'm thinking about it. ARGH!!! haha. i dont think i can imagine myself missing choir. to me, it's like training. you dont miss training no matter wat. except maybe if u're going overseas. and even then i felt bad. like i'll feel unhealthy cos i'll probably be eating like a pig and sleeping damn little. haha. and besides, if i miss choir it means i'll probably be missing mass as well.

oh and you know after i got my new keyboard, my laptop's own keyboard died. some keys don't function anymore. like 'm' would be '*'. rant rant rant... erm... right. i really need to find something that will add a little excitement in my life. if i dont get posted out, i think i'll just die. i desperately need something but i cant think of anything. if anything, it'll probably be temporary. pole vaulting sounds good. but i can only go in the weekends cos i end work so late all the time. i think i might ask my superior to let me off early on mon, wed and fri since i dont have anything to do anyway.

rawr!!! i want to watch mission impossible and sherlock holmes. no shit, sherlock. oh and one last thing, i think i really cant have long hair... for a period of time when i had just slightly longer hair, my dandruff problem came back, and it was quite terrible. but once i cut my hair short, the problem went away. which makes me think about this article i read about how our hair might be extensions to our nervous system.

something about how many cultures believe that the hair is sorta "sacred" or it has extraordinary traits. for example, the sikhs, and even out religion with samson and all. the article talked about this really interesting story in the vietnam war. the native american trackers found that they had trouble "seeing" the enemy with crew cuts. but in an apparent classified experiment, they allowed a special group of native american trackers to keep their hair as long as it was needed, and their tracking prowess increased exponentially. quite cool huh? sigh... i guess i wont have that kind of super natural strengths then... hahaha

OMG DOWN PES!!!

2011-12-16T02:24:00.000+08:00

omg how can i forget to blog about this!?!?! stupid jacob yao!

ohnehin. i down pes!! for 6 months till 15th june i think. c2l3. for the sake of my sanity, i really hope i can get out of this camp. post me to medic course pls. then even if i up pes again, i can go be a combat medic. i really dont wanna stay here... it's so boring. like i said, i need some excitement.

sitting everyday is so boring. surfing the net everyday is so boring. sleeping the whole day is so boring. i need some excitement. today, i slept on the office chair for so long that my butt went numb. IT WENT NUMB!!!

ok so anyway, DOWN PES FTW!!!

i will never be forever alone

2011-12-16T02:20:00.000+08:00

there were a few periods of time (as you'll know if you stalk my blog) where i felt that i had no friends, that i had no one to talk to when things were troubling me and secretly felt that i needed a girlfriend cos i used to be dependant on mine to talk things out (or so i thought).

well, turns out that i was wrong and that i do have friends i can talk to. i guess i was just reluctant to talk to them cos i felt that i wasnt close enough to them. but some how you just need to take a leap of faith and just throw yourself out there, some what like in a relationship with another person. in some sense, perhaps that is how real friendships should be, where the other person is like your boyfriend or girlfriend but not in that kind of way. know what i mean? i did just that and it helped me discover who my real close friends were and it helped me a lot.

remember my last post about the dream? well, i said that the interpretations of the dreams were quite true cos i was having some troubles and i was feeling quite disturbed by it. there wasnt much i could do, cos there was no problems to be solved. but i felt that i needed to talk to someone. now, i have this friend from primary school, nita. he's a musician and it was he who posted about the karl paulneck welcome address thingy i have in my jacobish section. i thought, "hey, maybe he can help me out cos he's like a musician, if a musician is described as such in the article." and plus, we have had some heart to heart talk before, so i sorta understand how "deep" he is. haha. in fact, i blogged about it. i had the exact same thinking when i decided to turn to him for help when i felt really lost and purposeless about a month and a half back.

so anw, i decided to talk to him and we had a little chat. and it felt nice cos i knew that he would be honest with me and some how be able to help me out. and he didnt disappoint haha. so, quite cool huh? and btw, cos of him, i have a better understanding of how real musicians are. last time it was like, "oh they just perform lor. like can press the notes in time, have a bit of feeling and sense of timing then the piece will have some emotions already." but after reading the karl paulneck article and speaking with him, i realise that real musicians are more than what i perceived them to be. because of this i have quite profound respect for classical musicians and it also makes me wonder how the hell some people can be called artists and it also makes me question the quality of our music these days. it's seriously bullshit. all the clubbing music, rebecca black, black eyed peas and bleargh...

i'm not sure what i'm trying to drive at, so i guess this is just a rant... hahaha ok so anw, i think it's quite interesting to explore my the emotional side, what with all the understanding of music and literature and how they play a part in emotions. this is probably all my wishful thinking and i hope that it is cos i feel kinda stupid trying to be something i am clueless about. but anyway, to me it feels like i have a muffled ability to be able to understand and maybe control my emotions (but evidently not very good at it considering that i have apnic disorder), like for example, to be able to accurately grasp the emotion behind each song or piece. but it's like i'm trapped in this house where i can see through the windows but i cant unlock the door. i can sorta understand a bit of the songs i play on the guitar. like for rylynn and drifting. rylynn was simple cos i understood the story behind the song. it was written for a family friend who died when she was only 13. i tried to interpret the appropriate emotion with the way the peice sounded, so i found it very soothing when i willed myself to feel sorrowful, yet with a tinge of hope and joy when i played the song. it just feels right and i seem to be able to play the song more smoothly and in that sense enjoy myself. drifting was a struggle but i finally got it after trying to experiment with a few emotions while playing the song. at times, it felt so wrong that i immediately packed up the guitar and left my room cos it felt so uncomfortable. anw, it came quite spontaneously while i was playing it one day. i felt happy and excited like my spirit was just running free and i wanted to show others how happy i was when i was playing. there was this time where i sorta over-emphasised on the "show others how happy i am" and instead i sorta "corrupted" it into showing off and i felt icky. this one time when i played it extremely well, i was alone in my bunk but i felt so happy and i really felt like hugging some one to just spread the joy. it feels good, but there's still this muffled feeling, like i've yet to unlock the door to feeling raw passion. so it's a little sucky in that sense. hahaha. ba... i'm probably thinking too much into things

haha so, yeah. i think my brain is kinda messed up now. not making any ideas flow, just a shot gun scattered shot of random thoughts. hmmm... i think one of the things i'm trying to say is a friendship is somewhat like a relationship where you have to also trust the person with your heart and emotions as well. and when that happens, you will be natural to trust that friend with your troubles, or in a sense, burden your friend with your troubles. i also feel that i should really start to be less judgemental of people. maybe it all started with the shujian thing. i did make a conscious choice to think people in the good light, that they are not who they seem and that everyone will be liked by at least some one because everyone has a reason to be loved and that it was up to me to stick around to find out that reason. i tried my very best to view shujian in that light but when it turned out that i was right all along, i told myself that first impressions count and people are who they are and they wont change. perhaps it got reinforced in ns and i have been even more bitter ever since. and i remember saying something about me not treating people the way i treat animals and how animals treat us. perhaps that is a good new year resolution, to be less judgemental and perhaps treat people the way i treated shujian in the past.

oh and another thing, good friends seem to come in threes or twos. i have this slight thing going on with nita and charlton, mervn and geoffrey. then in pairs there are, besides the individual pairs with the aforementioned trio, zi ao, and in the past wei cong, leow and fang yee. (dare i say cherie?) it was nice. :)

sigh... right now i'm still feeling kinda lost. my void has been filled with nothingness. it's no longer empty, but it's still filled with nothing. there's still nothing much to look forward to. i'm like this zombie... today at work i surfed 3 years worth of baby blues comics. from 1996 to 1998. that's over 1000 days and about 4250 squares of comics. hahahah. omg i have no life. some one please save me. sigh. 9gag is becoming more and more meaningless. it's just floods of nice and funny pictures. computer games are losing their appeal. i seem to enjoy watching sitcoms. modern family with all the chio bus hahah and there's friends and family guy. but it's just mind numbing watching. something funny comes along and you laugh then that's all. even today i found out and news.discovery is getting pretty very boring. i'm saturated with boredom. there is a void that is yet to be filled. i dont feel excited about many things. omg this sucks. i need to fill this void with something. could it really be a girlfriend? or perhaps simply some excitement in my life. my life has been filled with excitement since i dunno when. only now am i bored stiff. in kindergarten and pri sch there was running around aimlessly. then in sec sch and jc there was pole vault. and ns there was commando. now there's no more commando and no more excitement in life. omg. i need to get a life. i hope starting pole vault will do the trick. i'm gonna go back next saturday. gar...

freaky dream

2011-12-14T13:49:00.000+08:00

i had a freaky dream last night. it went something like this.

this all happened at night and i dreamt that there was this sort of shoot out at like a 7-eleven. i somehow managed to subdue one of the fugitives and i was pinning him down. i kept shouting for help but no one seemed to want to help me. and i was having a difficult time holding him down cos he kept struggling.

then the scene changed to my house, but it wasnt my real house. it was somewhat similar to my real house but the apartment was located on a higher level. the number 17 flashed in my mind. then there was a commotion down stairs. i looked down and i saw this whole gang of people wearing army uniform (there had to be at least 20 people) beating up this guy. it was really really brutal.

then suddenly the scene changed and i was being chased by this monster with a very angry, gruffy voice. i ran and hid in the toilet and i was really really really scared that he would come and get me cos he already disemboweled my friend. and i knew that cos my friend called me to tell me. haha. i was with some other people in the toilet and i tried to keep the sliding door closed. somehow the monster wasnt very strong, it couldnt pry it open. but he kept saying something like, "come on. open the door. what are you afraid of." and then i woke up feeling really really scared, with my heart racing, rapid breathing and all. basically a panic attack. it was damn scary. oh and i realise that i have been having dreams like this. this is probably the third time.

i went to look at interpretations of dreams online and one of the sites said this:
Chase dreams are one of several common dream themes, stemming from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Flee and flight is an instinctive response to a physical threat in the environment. In such dreams, the scenario often features you being pursued by an attacker, an animal, a monster or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. Consequently, you run, you hide or you try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you would respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, your dream indicates that you have a tendency to run away and avoid the issue. Ask yourself who is chasing you, so that you can gain a better understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can manifest itself as the threatening figure. Or the shadowy figure can symbolize the rejected characteristics of your Self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser.

and about the fighting:
To see others fighting in your dream suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

it's all kinda true, which makes this even more freaky. and makes me a little worried as well... but oh well. today should be a happy day. i'm on the medical board :) hope evening brings good news!

feeling good

2011-12-05T21:39:00.000+08:00

i'm typing this post with my new key board! it feels kinda nice to type. the only "problem" i have with it is that it is too quiet. hahah i like my keyboards to be noisy. i like those old ones that make a lot of noise. but anw, this might be a good thing cos ambient noise can affect your concentration and thus performance more than you think it does. oh and just one minor thing, i'm not used to the keyoard yet, so i can't type as fast for now. the most annoying thing for the moment is that the "A" key is too close to the caps lock key so i will accidentally press it sometimes.

even though i'm getting lots of money now cos of my pay, i still feel quite poor cos i'm spending much more than i was before as well!! and i want to buy so many things all of a sudden. i want a bicycle and i'm already prepared to spend $1200 or more for it. i want a new computer, i want a new tool box... and today, someone stole my ear piece. so i need to get new earpiece...

ok bye i think i shall cycle. i love cycling!

extra extra read all about it!!

2011-12-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

finally! after asking me to see the MO on another day for three times, i finally got to see the MO today. and it was before sitting at the medical centre for like two hours, watching tv till my neck was sore... so me down pes-ing IS CONFIRMED. it's just a of time! if it's not on 14th of dec, then it would be in jan. woohoo!! gotta mark tht down on the calender :D

so the only thing to worry about is the revocation. i have a feeling that S1 is doing me a personal favour by posting me out. there are people who are my pes in my office, but he told me that with my pes status he has to post me out cos i may serve a combatant/combat service role in other units/vocations. :D so anyway, i managed to talk to the senior medic, and he says that no one has the power to post me to PRC as i would like. but he will still try to get me into the next medic course. he was really really nice to me and i really hope that this works out alright. i went to talk to S1 about this and i asked him about how come i can just become a medic by being "pushed" or "signed up" (if you will) for the medic course. like shouldnt it be like how the rest did it? like they receive a posting from army manpower straight instead of what we (in a manner of speech) are doing for me now?

and that was where the problem came... S1 is not too sure too. cos this is not some everyday case anyway. and mind you, they never ever gave the others a chance to choose what vocation they wanted. so i am really really very grateful and i feel really really blessed that i am given this chance to fight for what i want. i really dont know why or what i did to deserve such treatment. UNLESS I AM A WHITE HORSE mua hahahaha. so i think the earliest that anything can happen is 14 dec. i hope i'll make it in time to join the poly dudes who are going to do their bmt in dec. if not i'm pretty much screwed. :(

i really wanna be a medic. it'll be so awesome. i'll finally feel like i'm actually contributing in national service, seems being a combatant is out of the question. training to be a cdo is like preparing to give my life when the time comes and that is pretty much the largest sacrifice. but yet, it's probably very unlikely to happen. (in fact, i dont think it'll happen at all.) but since i cant be in/beyond the front lines anymore, then i think the next best thing would be to be a medic. haha like seriously, in movies and games besides "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!!" or "AAAARGH!!!!" or something along that line, what is the next most heard phrase? it's definitely not "CLERK!!!" or "SIGNALLERS!!!". it's fucking "MEDIC!!!" hahah right?! :)

you know what? i feel like i'm getting my life back. i now have a goal, which is to be a medic. sadly i cant do anything to influence the outcome of this chapter in ns. but oh wells, wish me luck!!!

i am a faggot

2011-11-27T23:19:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAH i just realised that my past me called me a faggot. go and read "dulce et decorum est" in the "jacobish" section. or u could just click this. it says "i shall present this poem to my IC when i enlist into NS. haha!! just kidding. NS is fun. just dont get into PES C (for faggots only)."

HAHAHAH so yup i am a faggot :) omg i was so childish last time. truth be told, i almost got into trouble cos of wat i blogged... even more so now that i'm in ns. i use wikipedia to guide me. wat i can find on wiki is safe to blog. haha.

i rate today 2.3 out of 5

2011-11-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

today was kinda shitty... stupid cough... i couldnt sing properly during choir today. :( and omg i felt kinda irritated during practice after mass cos we were only saying the hymns to get the proper rhythm which i know is important. BUT I WANTED TO SING. or rather i wanted to hear the others sings :P haha i can't wait for next sunday!!

so anyway, the whole day was ruined cos i had cough so i couldnt sing properly at all and it's not like i'm good to even begin with... and also cos i wasnt able to join them for lunch >:( and i had to eat lunch alone! cos i had a movie date with charlton and nita and they had lunch by the time i was done with choir. the movie didnt really make up for this loss, but the movie was so awesome!! the fight scenes were amazing! oh btw we watched immortals. it was quite gory, but realistic in a way. like there was blood where you expect would have blood.

i'm quite scared for tmr... gonna go talk to my superior about the down pes thing... i know the pes that they want to give me is high enough for me to stay in hendon as a clerk... but after being in hendon for some time, i know that i dont want to stay there. i may just go crazy. oh wait i am officiall crazy! i have panic disorder rmb? hahaha. so, yeah. i think i have this brought upon myself, so to speak. i tried to subtly tell the MO that it would be better for me to be c9l9, but i think he didnt get it, he got me to be c2l3 instead. -.- to subtle already perhaps? haha bleagh. so... i think they may want to keep me. if they release me, it would be a favour on their part. and since i didnt do much to impress them, i may have even left a bad impression, they might not want to help me. :(

i need a little patience on a certain part of my life which i am feeling a little uncomfortable about which cannot be mentioned in this blog cos it is kinda weird to be announcing this kind of things to the whole world cos it's quite private so i hope all of you understand and maybe if you think a little harder you can guess what it is about. ok now say that previous sentence in one breath. hahaha.

omg i love coldplay's new album!!! i love how some of the songs were composed to blend with the next song, so it's as if you're listening to one song. gar!!! but i am so so sad. i should have gone to their 2009 concert... :( it was viva la vida and i love that album the most... strawberry swing!! i love that song's MV! and life in technicolour ii's MV is awesome too. ok, you know what? there's the youtube links. GO WATCH IT NOW. click on the song names. and if there is any infringement on copyrights laws, then er... no animals were harmed in the filming of this video. :D

we're gonna twisty twisty twisty, till we turn the house down

2011-11-25T00:18:00.000+08:00

i am a happy boy.

i have such exciting news people. I DOWN PES, BITCHES. (i'm 98% sure of that)

i went to see SAF's psychiatrist today, and i was really afraid of it cos my friend told me that he got an effed up psychiatrist and that his friend got an effed up one too. and he says that there are only four psychiatrists. and i have another friend who says that his was also effed up. which means that the probability that i got a nice doctor was between 0.11 and 0.25(if they even existed). so naturally, i was very afraid.

but goodness gracious me, i feel so loved. i feel so loved because i got an awesome doctor. in fac, my favourite doctor of all!!! minus liu shu. haha. WOOHOO!!! well, one of the first thing he said was, "so you're from RJ too?" then in my mind i went, "jackpot" hahaha. we had a nice conversation, then turns out he was from cat high primary too!! "c-c-c-c-combo!!!" hahaha damn awesome right!!?? small world :)

he asked about my condition, what i felt when it came, how frequent, blah blah blah. so i told him the bit about how i was very hyped up about being a commando, and how i didnt want to disappoint my superiors so maybe tht's why i was a little depressed. then he prasied me for being the most motivated soldier he has seen. hahaha!! then i told him about how i wanted to be a service medic in PRC and he said that he would help me write a letter for my superiors. SWEET!!!

but the most exciting part for me was that after we had a little chat about my condition, and finally giving it a name, id est "panic disorder", he said, "i'll have to down pes you." i was a little excited and scared cos i was told that what i have won't let me down pes. so i tried to test the water... "so i HAVE to down pes?" then he said something like, "yeah, usually we'll down pes you if you have panic disorder." under the table, i had my fists clenched and it was punching my thighs. hahahaha

AWESOME DAY!!! cant wait to down pes. please please please please let me down pes. i really really hope that i can get to be a medic. i don't even care if it's combat medic or service medic. i wanna be a medic. remember how i said that i dont think i would get a down pes? i was really certain that i wouldnt get down pes. and i even remember telling myself even if it turned out that i can get down pes, now that i have tricked myself into believing that i can't down pes, getting a down pes would be a real pleasant surprise. and that it was!! mua hahahah

awesome dream!!!

2011-11-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

today, i had this really awesome dream. i was listening to coldplay and taking a nap. the i started dreaming. in the background of the dream, i could hear coldplay playing hahaha.

if i remember correctly, this lady in my dream was passing out and lost some of consciousness but was trying to mumble something to me. but i couldnt hear her cos coldplay kept playing. then i kept saying, " what? can you speak louder? i cant hear you." but she keeps mumbling. then i realise than i was wearing my ear piece. so i tried to take it out.

i took it out amd threw it down. but i put my hands to my ears again and my ear piece was still there, and the music wont stop playing. so i kept trying to take it off again and again and again and again and again but it still failed. so i just ignored it and i tried to carry her away. i think she was drunk or something :/

hahah such an awesome dream!!! somewhat like inception, dont you think? haha

so long, guys

2011-11-21T01:52:00.000+08:00

ok anw, i just came back from the airport. i went to send the boys frm the 62nd cslc off. i managed to say bye to those i wanted to but i missed out a few dudes. :( so sad. anyway, i really hope that we can meet up after they come back. or even better. i wanna be at their POP!

haha i managed to surprise almeric thanks to jolyn mua haha.

i felt really uncomfortable while i was with them. except when i was with almeric haha. there was some fight-or-flight thingy going on and my inner voice kept nudging me saying, "hey. *pokes* hey. *pokes* you shouldnt be here. *pokes* hey. *pokes* you really shouldnt be here. *pokes* hey." hahaha but i just push it away. i feel most uneasy when i see instructors and they see me. i dont say hi and i just try to ignore them. except for warrant kenny, maj tay and ltc royston lim. haha actually warrant kenny came up to say hi to me. so nice of him. i favoured him the most he was the only one on the ground who empathised with my situation. :)

anyway... sigh they were talking about seeing each other in hendon, and i feel quite excited about it. but i'm quite torn, cos i wanna be back in pasir ris camp... it feels like home, compared to hendon. not really "home", cos i was actually comparing the working environment... so in that case it really feels like office. hahaha no but seriously. i feel more at ease there. the atmosphere is less... stiffling and more carefree. more importantly, there doesnt seem to be a barrier between superior and subordinates. and it's actually easier for me to go home from pasir ris provided i catch the daily shuttle bus.

so, i'm sorry guys. i think i'm gonna make it known that i'ld like to return to pasir ris camp should i down pes. hendon's not the place for me. oh btw, i wanted to book in after i send them off. but i was just informed that i cant book in after 2359. apparently i can only book in at 0700 tmr... sian. i wasted 34 on cab fare... argh i'm becoming so poor. i've spent so much money this month :( so so so much money on stupid things... i'm very reluctant to spend any money now. i think i shall just lock myself up in my room and read story books. hahaha

i want more money!!!

sing along oh sing the song along with meeeeeeeeee

2011-11-20T15:53:00.004+08:00

today's choir practice and mass was really fun! we sang quite a few songs i've never heard of and i was caught quite very much off guard, but the challenge of trying to sing along while listening was a welcomed thrill :D

we just voted on the songs that we would like to include in our choir's 10th anniversary cd for next year. so exciting!!! and we'll most probably be staging a concert next year too!!! even more exciting!!! while we were voting for the songs that we would like to sing, they sang some of the songs for the newbies like me so we can make better informed choices. IT MADE ME SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT THIS WHOLE AFFAIR!!!

the hymns were all so beautifully sung even though they were all sung impromptu. and the most remarkable thing was that they could all harmonise with ease. it sounded so amazing... i wish i could be as good as that in the future!

i want everyday to be a sunday.

(ps: 300th post. yayy!!)

spill-over

2011-11-16T02:12:00.001+08:00

today i felt really shitty, somewhat like yesterday night... i felt so so depressed that i spammed smses out to friends i thought would reply me. and i think someone up there was really taking care of me cos within a minute i got replies from everyone i smsed which kept me occupied all the way past lunch time. :)

i was really feeling down and out but with the help of nita, i sorta realised why. i was just telling him how i felt, of having no purpose in life, of feelings that life is meaningless, that i am useless. and he immediately said, " maybe you gave up on something that gave you meaning." it was such a glorious moment, like i hit some form of epiphany cos i did give up on something that gave me meaning. in fact, a lot of meaning. i replied, "yeah tht's very true. i gave up on being a commando. literally force myself to 死心." and that made me feel kinda sad, yet happy at the same time. sad because, i've given up on something that once mattered so much that it almost meant the world to me and i feel shameful for that. but happy cos i might have reached the root of my recent spat of problems. btw, thanks nita :)

so i guess gotta find something that is meaningful to me to get out of this rut, which is quite difficult. i would love to learn new songs on the guitar, but i cant cos i'm in office. the other thing would be to learn morse code or like sign language hahaha. i thought of reading about fengshui, but decided against it. so in the end i settled for reading books. i was initially afraid of simply settling for reading books (cos that's literally the only thing i can do in office besides stoning) cos i was afraid that i would get bored of it just like i did before. but since it's literally the only thing i can do in office besides stoning, i had no choice.

so, before i went to eat dinner with ms chow, zi ao and cheng howe, i went to the library to borrow a few books. i ended up with three and the one i started with is such a fun story. i'm quite certain i wouldnt be bored by this. :P but i'm going to be kinda busy in office the next few days. so i'm afraid i cant read them all in time... but it's alright, no i have an excuse not to go out, not that i have anyone to go out with in the first place. hahaha.

alrighty, so. i wanted to write this on facebook. (i also wanted to write this on my 300th post, but ah what the heck. this is the 299th post, still a nice number haha) but then i decided against it because i felt that this should be immortalised on my blog. (and fb wouldnt allow me to rant heh) it was a very simple goal that i made in sec 2. simple in the sense that it was just a thought that always seem to linger at the back of my head, peekabooing once in a while, and simple in the sense that it was not something that i made sure defined me. yet i was able to accomplish this, in my opinion, without fail for the past 6 years or so. it happened during our music test. we were suppose to play the guitar and sing a song. i chose james blunt's tears and rain but i got a B and i was a little 不甘愿 about it. and this thought simply surfaced...

"i want to be good in my studies, in my sports, and in my music. i want to be an academic, an athlete and an aesthete."

i decided to ask for a retest the following week and i got an A! yayy! hahah but i didnt start to be serious about playing the guitar till sec 3 when i saw andy mckee's drifting. but that's another story.... so anyway, i think i've lived up to my own standards so far. though i can only play two songs at the moment, i'm still proud that i taught myself how to play the guitar, especially drifting and rylynn (though i've totally forgotten how to play rylynn haha). i'm also proud that i feel so passionately about music, especially the music i love.

as to being an athlete, need i say more?! my posts in sec sch were all about pole vault and you can clearly see how passionate i am about it. (but sadly, i'm so flabby these few days haha...) as for being an academic... my results were on average, average. but still i always took pride in learning (just not practicing hahaha) and always found many random things interesting. just like how i always enjoyed snippets of info that didnt always pertain to my studies.

i feel that this is one of my qualities that i should celebrate (secretly, so *shhhh...*) and be proud of. i hope that whenever i feel damn shitty about myself, i can remember this. i'm not a good student, definitely not a good musician and only a good athlete cos i work really realy hard and i have some talent and good genes (bite me. i'm trying to cheer myself up. a little personal propaganda wont hurt anyone :P). so, perhaps at the end of everything, it's not about being good at what i do but about being passionate in everything i do. and this is evident in most of what i do. i took one year to learn drifting, and another year to learn rylynn but i still didnt back down. i still teach myself new songs. i fought hard and continued pole vault even though i had countless of struggles. like having my academic results suffering cos of pole vault, having two whole months of aborting every single jump, literally falling from the sky and injuring myself before nationals... blah blah blah... i studied damn hard for O levels and trained damn hard for the PSG at the same time. and er... i studied real hard in rj hahaha. so i guess that spirit of excellence hasnt died, which i thought had.

so, jacob. never forget the one true talent you possess. it's the ability to stick with your passion. as long as you feel passionate about anything, you know you'll push through. so i guess when things start to turn ugly, try to do as you did with pole vault before, turn back to the first reason why you wanted it so badly and work with that mindset. it should work out.

but of course there were times when it didnt work out... like when i simply do not believe in the passion that started it all. ns for instance (oh no... here we go again). i wanted to be a cdo so badly. so so badly. but it was all for honour and glory, cos it was cool. intangibles and dispensables. i realise i didnt need it and no one understood the REAL value of being a commando which turned it into an utterly useless commodity. cost became greater than benefit, one thing led to another and i suddenly didnt want it anymore. which made end up where i am. :) ok stop whining.

bottom line is, "yayy me!!! stay passionate!!!"

emo

2011-11-14T23:52:00.001+08:00

i lead such a sad, lonely and boring existence...

how sad? i look at my phone frequently to see if someone sms/whatsapp/bbm me. i keep going online to check for emails even though the only emails i ever get are from news.discovery.com, todayifoundout.com and misconceptionjunction.com. so nerdy right? i keep logging on to fb to see if people add me, even though i get notifications on my phone immediately. and everything else in the world seems so pointless, except for sundays! sundays are fun now haha.

haha guess what? i was typing the post, and feeling really sorry for myself, and i suddenly said out loud, "i'm going cycling." and that i did! i cycled for a little over an hour, taking old routes. i first went over to smart lab, then i went over to saint nicholas hill, cycled up and just coasted allll the way down. it brought back good memories of me cycling up and down the hill in a shitty bike like 5 or 6 times almost everyday in sec 3 cos i sprained my ankle and couldnt pole vault. i would force myself to sprint up the hill just so i can feel the speed and wind rush by me. it was pure agony but it hurt so good... but look at me now, i can hardly cycling up at normal speed for just one time. haha!! i'm in such a sorry state now... nonetheless, i feel so very happy now :) i was smiling all the way, from the moment i started peddling till i came home. sigh... i've forgotten how it feels like to be so happy. :) pure bliss.

but it still doesnt change the fact that i'm a very lonely boy. i think i've blogged about this before, and blogging about it again is only testament that it is true and i'm not just feeling sorry for myself. i guess i have no one to blame but myself. there wasnt much chance for me to socialise cos i never got the chance to go out till i was like maybe sec 4 or j1? partly cos i couldnt be bothered to ask for permission. there was always a sense of fear and dread every time i needed to ask about these kind of things. i'll have to say who i'm going out with, where i'm going, what time i'll be back and i'll feel bad if dinner was already planned to be cooked or worse, already cooked. it sorta became a habit to just not go.

there werent much opportunities in any case. pole vault was my life in cat high and rj. outside of it, it was my duty to study hard. and i'm not smart so i really needed to put in effort. with mon, wed, fri and some sat all dedicated to pole vault and the other days just resting and studying, there wasnt any chance to socialise and make strong bonds with my friends. i guess that's the reason y my closest friends were my pole vault juniors. but you know, with ns and all, we lose touch.

make new friends in ns then! but it's so difficult... i havent seen my bmt mates in so long, i find it difficult to meet up with them. but the most difficult thing, is the ever so slight, nagging shame that i feel cos i ooc-ed. especially now that they have all earned their beret, while i rot in battalion hq. whenever i see anyone in red beret in camp (which is every time i step out of the office!!!) i will force myself to stare at somewhere in the distance just so that i wont accidentally see people i know. bmt mates, not too bad. but for the sergeants, especially those in my det, i just feel like changing my face. i try to smile, look cool, but i'm actually just dying inside. :( i have no idea how i'm going to face the 62nd cslc peeps. they are such an awesome bunch i love them so much. it feels good to THINK that they could have been the perfect det yet KNOWING that it wouldnt be so because cracks are sure to surface towards the end. and that's why i love them even more. but in any case, i'm going to surprise them this weekend at the airport. yahoo!!

so you see, it's kinda hard to keep up with my friends. i dont even have much chance to make new friends. even though i joined choir, i dont really see much of a chance to really socialise like i hoped we would. like have lunch after practice that kind of thing? or have breakfast together... it's usually practice, mass, practice then zao. i guess sectionals should be quite ok la. but idk. i'm new. i've only been there twice! so hopefully there'll be surprises next time :)

and oh yes, i'm in the church choir with erjie!! quite exciting really. the last time i was in the same class as her was when i was in p1. we were building tamiya car in the cc. hahaha. so cute right? oh wait! there's also swimming! :P so anyway, one day she just said, "jake, want to join the choir?" that sentence flashed through my mind twice and i said, "errr... yeah. why not?" i dunno if i mentioned this, but i was suppose to go for auditions on the very day i had the major allergic reaction. so i auditioned the next week instead.

i almost didnt make it for the auditions. i woke up at 9 and i told myself, i have the auditions and made a mental note with my sub-consciousness to wake up before i'm late. and it worked! haha it usually does. i woke up and immediately called mama to remind her that i have the audition. i know something else inside me was ticking cos the usual me would just let it pass and i would feign "ignorance", that i forgot about it and then just let it pass. but something inside me ticked, and i made that call. so proud of me :)

anywho... i was really nervous. i chose which song i wanted to sing and i tried to memorise the lyrics. but i was in office so i didnt have the chance to sing it out loud to better memorise. so i told myself, "nevermind, my ipod have the lyrics. just use on that day." but i forgot to bring my ipod!!! so i sang 4 lines, wanted to sing some more, but my mind went totally blank cos i was too nervous hahaha. so i went, "ok that's all." hahahah so embarrassing. then the conductor made me sing a few chords to try to determine which section i should belong to. i was secretly hoping for sopranos hahahah as in seriously. i know that it's only for girls but i wanted to be with erjie and i secretly feel that i can hit quite high notes for a guy. but oh wells, i got into tenor which is a no-brainer cos i cant sing bass for nuts. but tuvan throat singing is totally damn cool. wish i was a mongolian. :(

alright enough of feeling emo. i'm happy now. thanks to cycling!!! (long post ftw!!!)

har har har

2011-11-06T19:15:00.001+08:00

i did my first duty as duty clerk yesterday. it was alright. just sitting in an air-conditioned room without anyone to boss me about. it was easy peasy but kinda boring. TILL I DISCOVERED http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

it is so funny i tell you. i wish my command of english was as good as STM... :( it is the funniest shit evaaaa muthafuckaaaaa hahaha.

today, i auditioned for choir in church. it was kinda scary and i ended up singing only a really short verse that i wanted to sing hahaha. i sang halfway then my mind went blank and i couldnt remember the rest of the lyrics hahaha. oops. but anyway, i'm in tenor!! cant wait, but very scared at the same time.

it was quite weird, cos i thought i saw cherie's cousin, but turns out tht they are just two different people who look alike. :) ok hope this will do good for my mental and spiritual health. you know, socialising and stuff. get rid of this apparent perpetual sense of loneliness.

life sucks. for now.

2011-11-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

sigh.... i enjoyed myself in prc trg br. but gosh life sucks now... the office is so boring. i dont really know anyone yet. they dont teach me anything. i cant help. i feel like an idiot everytime anyone asks me anything. the only thing i'm confidant about is photocopying. boy oh boy am i an expert in that. haha.

well, the food is nicer, like 100 times better i swear. but i've got no one here. worse thing is, geoffrey and mervyn are leaving already... in fact, geoffrey left already and it's mervyn's last day tmr... :'( how am i gonna live my life like this in near solitude. at least i've got the books to accompany me. i dont even know the password to the i-net. actually, i forgot. there were like three i-nets that are accessible so i forgot all three haha.

omg save meeeee.... i have duty clerk on sat and i totally forgot that SATs are on that day. and the thing is, i took over from geoffrey, so i cant exactly pass it to someone to do it. first, i dont know who to pass it to. second, i dont really wanna take the SATs. i am so not prepared, but only cos i didnt make the effort to. damn, wasted all the money, but oh well. one thing i've learnt about money is that once the money has been spent, it's literally gone. no point in feeling pity in wasting it. sigh sigh sigh... i knew from the first time that i took the SATs practice that i should give up on the idea. i got 1700 points. i need 2250 at least. and no way do i have the time to mug.

sigh... i've been feeling rather melancholic lately which is stemming from feeling lonely. i think i miss the people from 62nd cslc. :( they were so awesome. sigh sigh... some one cheer me up please?

no, you're not gonna pull a fast one on me, nuh-uh you're not.

2011-11-01T23:37:00.001+08:00

yesterday, they tried to trick me into being a commando again. they dangled the tempting post of being in any of the S branches as a full-fledged cdo. i thought about it and i almost said yes, but then something in me said, "woah woah woah, hold on there son. you just got out of this. this deal's probably too good to be true." so i probed further...

turns out, i'll have to do atp, ippt, bac, brunei and 72km. which might as well means i'm still going through all the shit i'm suppose to go through. and the thing is, i wont be able to complete this till july next year. wat for? fight for a red beret THEN do wat i'm (roughly) doing now? no way man. i've got a long way to go till my mc ends. maybe we'll talk later.

yeah. feels good to be able to make a choice. at least i know my life doesnt entirely belong to you. yeah feels good to be human once more. i eat when i want i drink when i want i walk the way i want i quit when i want i work hard when i want i fight for what i want.

one of the worst days of my life

2011-10-30T22:36:00.000+08:00

i will always remember 30th October 2011 as the day that sucked balls.

i woke up, brushed my teeth and charlton and i went down stairs to have a cup of birds' nest. then when i reached home i started itching all over. at first it was tolerable. then it became SO SO bad. the soles of my feet and my palms started to itch so much that it hurt. i went to bath to try to stop the itching and for the moment that there was hot water on my skin, it helped. but after i bathed, things went down hill from there. i dried my body and used the towel to scratch myself at first. woohoo it felt so good. i started to become quite delirious from then cos my feet wont stop itching and i kept jumping up and down the toilet, stomping my feet, trying to make it stop itching.

i became quite delirious from then on. i ran out of the toilet and started rummaging through my drawer for my metal ruler so i can scratch the soles of my feet with it. and i accidentally cut myself, but it wasnt a very deep cut. then my palms started to itch really badly so i started to clap my hands, to try to induce some pain and make the itch go away. but tht made things worse. mama tried to put some nutmeg balm on me to try to stop the itch but it didnt help. then my whole body started to itch really badly. my scalp, my lower calfs and my groin felt the worst. then i started to feel my lips throb and the sensation got worse. i kept saying, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." then i let out a scream of pain and anguish cos i felt so frustrated that this was happening to me. it felt so good. it sort of comforted me, to be able to just let out all my emotions and it blocked out all the itch and pain for that moment. then mama said that she will take me to the hospital. i was qutie reluctant to go at first, but i somehow i just got up and started changing. then i looked in the mirror and i said, "oh my god, ma. my whole face is swelling up."

so i quickly changed and i was sobbing, moaning and crying at the same time. then we rushed to the hospital. before we reached the car, i could feel my tongue swelling up and my face was getting very swollen. then i could feel some weird sensation in the palms of my hands like it hurts to clench my fist or bend my fingers. i tried to calm myself down by making jokes like asking san jie to take picture of me, ask her if i was still handsome, and i think i wind down the window and started screaming like an ambulance. it worked a little. oh and it was during the ride that i realised it was the birds' nest that probably caused this.

at the hospital, i was pushed into the treatment room, then i noticed that my whole hand was red a swollen and my wrist area was swollen like there was a huge patch of mosquito bites there. i became quite scared and i remember saying, "oh my god." again haha. after that, the doctor put a needle in my forearm and administered benadryl i think. then i had this funny sensation. i could feel something cool spreading from the back of my throat, then it was like a wave that spread to my upper back and hands, and i think lower back and legs. it felt as if someone dropped something into the water and there were waves spreading throughout. then i think i became quite very drowsy from there.

i could tell wat was going on outside of me, my mind was still very alert, but i was too tired to open my eyes or speak properly. i just nodded my head or shook my head and mumbled words when i needed to. next thing i knew, i conked out. i woke up at times to people around me, like mama, the nurses or doctor, but the next time i really woke up was about 4 or 5 hours later and i woke up to eat some porridge. it was good and i felt awake for awhile. but then after ma left, i went back to sleep again. then i woke up completely after about two hours of sleeping. i felt a little drowsy but i wanted to go home. so i got discharged aaaand here i am.

sigh, my life is such an advernture. life rocks.

good bye pasir ris camp

2011-10-30T21:50:00.000+08:00

pasir ris camp has been home to me for the past 9 months and this friday was my last day there. i felt really sad cos i'll probably never be able to return there anymore. i wanted to thank a few instructors but was unable to, so there is some tinge of sadness.

i'll be shifting to hendon next. i wonder wat's in store for me... hope it's good! light duties and excuse firearms ftw!

ex ooc. mission success.

2011-10-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

i received a letter from the psychiatrist for the MO who promptly gave me 12 weeks light duty and 12 weeks excuse in handling firearms after reading the letter.

need i say more?

sigh... the world is too good to me. i went to see OC and he was really nice to me about it. he was understanding, kind, but he did "reprimand" me for wasting a slot in his CSLC and for walking the track while navigating last night. :P CO was even more awesome. he tried to help me not feel bad abt going ooc. like seriously?! and he even ended off with saying that if i ever needed someone to talk to, i could also give him a call. and when people told me that if i give up now, i will learn to give up on myself everytime i meet an obstacle in life, he told me that perhaps it is just my character to snap when i am put in a situation where there is a lot of physical and mental stress coupled with high expectations for perfection. simply put, when others saw me as someone who quits very readily, he saw me as someone who is simply unable to handle this situation. i love them two...

so i'm gonna go back to my old office! but without my beloved zi ao or tco. :( but oh well! my rainbow has finally arrived. i can finally stop thinking about being a failure, of not meeting expectations, of not performing, of struggling to keep myself sane and if all these are really in my mind or if they are real. i can finally be happy.

i wanna ORD!!

karl paulneck welcome address (the boston conservatory)

2011-10-23T21:16:00.003+08:00

(the following is a welcome address from Karl Paulneck of The Boston Conservatory to all freshmen and their parents. it's about the value of music and i suppose the arts. i absolutely love it. it moved me qutie a bit, and made me wanna scream out loud in a oh-ma-gawd-life-is-so-freakin'-awesome kinda way.)

One of my parents' deepest fears, I suspect, is that society would not properly value me as a musician, that I wouldn't be appreciated. I had very good grades in high school, I was good in science and math, and they imagined that as a doctor or a research chemist or an engineer, I might be more appreciated than I would be as a musician. I still remember my mother's remark when I announced my decision to apply to music school—she said, "you're wasting your SAT scores!" On some level, I think, my parents were not sure themselves what the value of music was, what its purpose was. And they loved music: they listened to classical music all the time. They just weren't really clear about its function. So let me talk about that a little bit, because we live in a society that puts music in the "arts and entertainment" section of the newspaper, and serious music, the kind your kids are about to engage in, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with entertainment, in fact it's the opposite of entertainment. Let me talk a little bit about music, and how it works.

One of the first cultures to articulate how music really works were the ancient Greeks. And this is going to fascinate you: the Greeks said that music and astronomy were two sides of the same coin. Astronomy was seen as the study of relationships between observable, permanent, external objects, and music was seen as the study of relationships between invisible, internal, hidden objects. Music has a way of finding the big, invisible moving pieces inside our hearts and souls and helping us figure out the position of things inside us. Let me give you some examples of how this works.

One of the most profound musical compositions of all time is the Quartet for the End of Time written by French composer Olivier Messiaen in 1940. Messiaen was 31 years old when France entered the war against Nazi Germany. He was captured by the Germans in June of 1940 and imprisoned in a prisoner-of-war camp.

He was fortunate to find a sympathetic prison guard who gave him paper and a place to compose, and fortunate to have musician colleagues in the camp, a cellist, a violinist, and a clarinettist. Messiaen wrote his quartet with these specific players in mind. It was performed in January 1941 for four thousand prisoners and guards in the prison camp. Today it is one of the most famous masterworks in the repertoire.

Given what we have since learned about life in the Nazi camps, why would anyone in his right mind waste time and energy writing or playing music? There was barely enough energy on a good day to find food and water, to avoid a beating, to stay warm, to escape torture—why would anyone bother with music? And yet—even from the concentration camps, we have poetry, we have music, we have visual art; it wasn't just this one fanatic Messiaen; many, many people created art. Why? Well, in a place where people are only focused on survival, on the bare necessities, the obvious conclusion is that art must be, somehow, essential for life. The camps were without money, without hope, without commerce, without recreation, without basic respect, but they were not without art. Art is part of survival; art is part of the human spirit, an unquenchable expression of who we are. Art is one of the ways in which we say, "I am alive, and my life has meaning."

In September of 2001 I was a resident of Manhattan. On the morning of September 12, 2001 I reached a new understanding of my art and its relationship to the world. I sat down at the piano that morning at 10 AM to practice as was my daily routine; I did it by force of habit, without thinking about it. I lifted the cover on the keyboard, and opened my music, and put my hands on the keys and took my hands off the keys. And I sat there and thought, does this even matter? Isn't this completely irrelevant? Playing the piano right now, given what happened in this city yesterday, seems silly, absurd, irreverent, pointless. Why am I here? What place has a musician in this moment in time? Who needs a piano player right now? I was completely lost.

And then I, along with the rest of New York, went through the journey of getting through that week. I did not play the piano that day, and in fact I contemplated briefly whether I would ever want to play the piano again. And then I observed how we got through the day.

At least in my neighbourhood, we didn't shoot hoops or play Scrabble. We didn't play cards to pass the time, we didn't watch TV, we didn't shop, we most certainly did not go to the mall. The first organized activity that I saw in New York, on the very evening of September 11th, was singing. People sang. People sang around fire houses, people sang "We Shall Overcome". Lots of people sang America the Beautiful. The first organized public event that I remember was the Brahms Requiem, later that week, at Lincoln Center, with the New York Philharmonic. The first organized public expression of grief, our first communal response to that historic event, was a concert. That was the beginning of a sense that life might go on. The US Military secured the airspace, but recovery was led by the arts, and by music in particular, that very night.

From these two experiences, I have come to understand that music is not part of "arts and entertainment" as the newspaper section would have us believe. It's not a luxury, a lavish thing that we fund from leftovers of our budgets, not a plaything or an amusement or a pass time. Music is a basic need of human survival. Music is one of the ways we make sense of our lives, one of the ways in which we express feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can't with our minds.

Some of you may know Samuel Barber's heart wrenchingly beautiful piece Adagio for Strings. If you don't know it by that name, then some of you may know it as the background music which accompanied the Oliver Stone movie Platoon, a film about the Vietnam War. If you know that piece of music either way, you know it has the ability to crack your heart open like a walnut; it can make you cry over sadness you didn't know you had. Music can slip beneath our conscious reality to get at what's really going on inside us the way a good therapist does.

Very few of you have ever been to a wedding where there was absolutely no music. There might have been only a little music, there might have been some really bad music, but with few exceptions there is some music. And something very predictable happens at weddings—people get all pent up with all kinds of emotions, and then there's some musical moment where the action of the wedding stops and someone sings or plays the flute or something. And even if the music is lame, even if the quality isn't good, predictably 30 or 40 percent of the people who are going to cry at a wedding cry a couple of moments after the music starts. Why? The Greeks. Music allows us to move around those big invisible pieces of ourselves and rearrange our insides so that we can express what we feel even when we can't talk about it. Can you imagine watching Indiana Jones or Superman or Star Wars with the dialogue but no music? What is it about the music swelling up at just the right moment in ET so that all the softies in the audience start crying at exactly the same moment? I guarantee you if you showed the movie with the music stripped out, it wouldn't happen that way. The Greeks. Music is the understanding of the relationship between invisible internal objects.

I'll give you one more example, the story of the most important concert of my life. I must tell you I have played a little less than a thousand concerts in my life so far. I have played in places that I thought were important. I like playing in Carnegie Hall; I enjoyed playing in Paris; it made me very happy to please the critics in St. Petersburg. I have played for people I thought were important; music critics of major newspapers, foreign heads of state. The most important concert of my entire life took place in a nursing home in a small Midwestern town a few years ago.

I was playing with a very dear friend of mine who is a violinist. We began, as we often do, with Aaron Copland's Sonata, which was written during World War II and dedicated to a young friend of Copland's, a young pilot who was shot down during the war. Now we often talk to our audiences about the pieces we are going to play rather than providing them with written program notes. But in this case, because we began the concert with this piece, we decided to talk about the piece later in the program and to just come out and play the music without explanation.

Midway through the piece, an elderly man seated in a wheelchair near the front of the concert hall began to weep. This man, whom I later met, was clearly a soldier—even in his 70's, it was clear from his buzz-cut hair, square jaw and general demeanour that he had spent a good deal of his life in the military. I thought it a little bit odd that someone would be moved to tears by that particular movement of that particular piece, but it wasn't the first time I've heard crying in a concert and we went on with the concert and finished the piece.

When we came out to play the next piece on the program, we decided to talk about both the first and second pieces, and we described the circumstances in which the Copland was written and mentioned its dedication to a downed pilot. The man in the front of the audience became so disturbed that he had to leave the auditorium. I honestly figured that we would not see him again, but he did come backstage afterwards, tears and all, to explain himself.

What he told us was this: "During World War II, I was a pilot, and I was in an aerial combat situation where one of my team's planes was hit. I watched my friend bail out, and watched his parachute open, but the Japanese planes which had engaged us returned and machine gunned across the parachute cords so as to separate the parachute from the pilot, and I watched my friend drop away into the ocean, realizing that he was lost. I have not thought about this for many years, but during that first piece of music you played, this memory returned to me so vividly that it was as though I was reliving it. I didn't understand why this was happening, why now, but then when you came out to explain that this piece of music was written to commemorate a lost pilot, it was a little more than I could handle. How does the music do that? How did it find those feelings and those memories in me?"

Remember the Greeks: music is the study of invisible relationships between internal objects. The concert in the nursing home was the most important work I have ever done. For me to play for this old soldier and help him connect, somehow, with Aaron Copland, and to connect their memories of their lost friends, to help him remember and mourn his friend, this is my work. This is why music matters.

What follows is part of the talk I will give to this year's freshman class when I welcome them a few days from now. The responsibility I will charge your sons and daughters with is this:

"If we were a medical school, and you were here as a med student practicing appendectomies, you'd take your work very seriously because you would imagine that some night at two AM someone is going to waltz into your emergency room and you're going to have to save their life. Well, my friends, someday at 8 PM someone is going to walk into your concert hall and bring you a mind that is confused, a heart that is overwhelmed, a soul that is weary. Whether they go out whole again will depend partly on how well you do your craft.

You're not here to become an entertainer, and you don't have to sell yourself. The truth is you don't have anything to sell; being a musician isn't about dispensing a product, like selling used cars. I'm not an entertainer; I'm a lot closer to a paramedic, a fire fighter, a rescue worker. You're here to become a sort of therapist for the human soul, a spiritual version of a chiropractor, physical therapist, someone who works with our insides to see if they get things to line up, to see if we can come into harmony with ourselves and be healthy and happy and well.

Frankly, ladies and gentlemen, I expect you not only to master music; I expect you to save the planet. If there is a future wave of wellness on this planet, of harmony, of peace, of an end to war, of mutual understanding, of equality, of fairness, I don't expect it will come from a government, a military force or a corporation. I no longer even expect it to come from the religions of the world, which together seem to have brought us as much war as they have peace. If there is a future of peace for humankind, if there is to be an understanding of how these invisible, internal things should fit together, I expect it will come from the artists, because that's what we do. As in the concentration camp and the evening of 9/11, the artists are the ones who might be able to help us with our internal, invisible lives."

Source: http://www.bostonconservatory.edu/music/karl-paulnack-welcome-address

the psychology of throwing in the towel by wray herbert

2011-10-22T23:58:00.003+08:00

Aren’t we supposed to admire Rep. Anthony Weiner’s persevering spirit in the face of adversity? Lesser men would be crawling under a rock with such revelations about their personal frailties and sexual oddities. The American tradition, from Ben Franklin to Horatio Alger to Rocky Balboa, is to value grit and determination.
The fact is, it’s hard to cheer for giving up, throwing in the towel. So it’s no wonder this never-say-die attitude has made such an appealing plot line for dime novels and Hollywood. But is it really good psychology? Or might there be times when it really is better to simply walk away?

Psychological scientists have explored this question, and more specifically a possible link between tenacity and both physical and mental health. It would seem on the face of it that persistence would be tonic over the long haul; hanging tough should increase the odds that you’ll succeed, and personal success is closely linked to well-being. But what if the goal is extremely unlikely? Like an infertile couple conceiving a child? Or an average high-school sprinter becoming an Olympic gold-medalist? Or a beleaguered lawmaker bucking the entire Democratic leadership? Is there a point of diminishing returns, beyond which determination takes a health toll? Or put another way: When does an admirable trait like perseverance start to look more like beating your head against the wall?

To test this in the laboratory, psychologists Gregory Miller and Carsten Wrosch developed a psychological instrument that can reliably distinguish between people who are relentless by nature and those who are much more accepting of life’s curveballs. For simplicity, let’s call them the Bulldogs and the Quitters. In a series of experiments, the psychologists exhaustively studied these two personality types to see how healthy and well adjusted they are.

And the answer is plain: Quitters are healthier than Bulldogs by almost every measure. For example, in one study the psychologists looked at everything from indigestion and diarrhea to skin disorders, poor sleep and headaches. Quitters suffered less than Bulldogs across the full range of maladies. Further, the Bulldogs’ stress hormones were much more likely to be out of whack, indicating that they are in a state of chronic stress. In one study published in the journal Psychological Science a while back, scientists followed adolescent volunteers for a full year. Over that time the Quitters had much lower levels of a protein called CRP, an indicator of bodily inflammation. Inflammation has recently been linked to several serious diseases, including diabetes and heart disease, suggesting that healthy but tenacious teens may already be on the road toward chronic illness later in life.

But knowing when to throw in the towel is only half the story. The psychologists also sorted both the Bulldogs and the Quitters by their willingness to re-engage and set new goals after they gave up on something important. While they did not find a direct link between re-engagement and physical health, they did find that people who readily jumped back into life had a greater sense of purpose and mastery and were less likely to ruminate about the past. Setting new goals appears to buffer the emotional consequences of failure, especially for those, like the Bulldogs, who have the hardest time admitting defeat.

So what is it that makes the most tenacious Bulldogs finally say, OK, I’ve had it? Paradoxically, it appears that the pathway to health may be through melancholy. Think of it this way: People who simply will not or cannot give up an impossible dream eventually get emotionally defeated by their Sisyphean task. Some get clinically depressed, but many others just shut down; they become pessimistic, passive, physically and mentally depleted. This dysphoria is what allows them—forces them really—to stop and reassess. It’s said that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, and in fact some evolutionary psychologists now believe that depression may have had survival value when we were evolving on the savannahs. Depression is what told our bodies to slow down and take stock of the situation, be cautious, don’t dis the silverback. Today a little melancholy might help us give up on that Olympic gold, and in the long run avoid killers like diabetes and heart disease.

It’s important to strive. Setting lofty goals, and then scaling them back, is the crux of forging an identity in the world. As people age they are forced to make tradeoffs, to abandon dreams of an illustrious career or the picture-perfect marriage. We all abandon life goals. The only question is whether we make our life adjustments with grace and good timing. The misanthropic comedian W.C. Fields anticipated much of this science when he cleverly revised that 19th-century maxim about perseverance: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” he said. “Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”

Source: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/full-frontal-psychology/the-psychology-of-throwing-in-the-towel.html/

i dont think i'm a quitter, though i seem to be displaying actions of a quitter. but i suppose you cannot generalise everything, like no one can only be a quitter or bulldog at all times. the way i see it, i am a bulldog who knows when to quit. and more importantly, i know when and how to bounce back. i think it serves me very well. to all those instructors that tell me if i choose to quit when obstacles come my way then i will quit everytime i meet an obstacle, YOU ARE WRONG.

CDO no more

2011-10-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

i have a medical appointment with a psychiatrist on monday, and i hope that he can help me down pes. even if he can't or won't i've decided that i dont want to be a commando fighter anymore. but nonetheless, i would still like to stay within the formation. hopefully warrant ho can help me get into S2 or S3 branch. :)

i have considered all sides of this situation and i really think that this is the correct choice. i've said that i didnt want to let all those people down, but i dont want to be doing this for them. i want to be a commando for myself, which i dont. so, there. i'm sorry if i disappoint. my det mates and course mates are like super awesome. in fact, i received the best compliment i've ever received from one of them which is, "if i were a girl i would fuck you so hard right now" hahah. i was playing drifting on the guitar. i hate most to leave them because i'm damn hell sure that they will be damn awesome to work with, and much much easier to work with compared to the old det. but you know, you're gonna meet awesome people everywhere and i find consolation in thinking that they are perfect before things get ugly. oh and they've got many big and strong people, so i'm not too afraid about the det load. but it really sucks cos we've just managed to bond quite a bit over the past few days.

as for me personally, i want to stop all these pushing myself to my limit crap. i've been there so many times and i'm so sick and tired of it. i keep trying to push myself but then my mind tells me to stop then i'm in this shithole struggle because i'll lie to myself and lie to others. it's sorta taking a toll on my conscience. and i hate to face the instructors or the people who are concerned about me. i hate having to think about what to say to them. especially the instructors who keep telling me that my mind is weak. screw you. to each his own, understand or not? i have my own struggles that you cannot begin to comprehend because you dont even try to. you peg all the NSFs with your own standard and you expect us to do the "great" things that you can do when we have only been soldiers for a few months.

i shall share an article about "the psychology of throwing in the towel". reading it made me feel normal and it helped set this decision in stone.

62nd CSLC

2011-10-16T14:56:00.000+08:00

the past week was a mini roller coaster of emotions. first i was really motivated to carry on with the course and complete it. then i was unsure if this was what i really wanted. then i wanted to quit so damn badly. and now i feel slightly motivated once again.

suckssss...

how? can anyone give me some advice? my new team is like freakin awesome, and the course people are like freakin awesome too. and i am super confident about every single thing about the course except for the physical things. everytime i have to do PT, i'll just die. my body dies and my mind and spirit dies along with it. i totally have no motivation wat so ever.

but i have resolved not to give up because i would let so many many people down. the course, my det, my buddy, ltc lim, maj tay, lta sue, 2lt seng, zi ao, nigel, alan, my batch boys, et cetera. sadly to say, i wont be letting myself down because i know that this is not worth it. my journey of national service will end and i dont see much need to chiong anymore.

i used to want to it so badly. read my posts in the past. i wanted to be a commando officer ranger. i wanted it so badly. i used to want it so badly because it would be something to show for, but then i realised that no one knew what it meant to even be a commando. it's value is hidden and if that was the case, it has no value. i wish i couldnt be any more wrong and i wish that i could realise i am wrong. but there isnt anything right now that can do it for me. if only told me that i'ld never go to uni if i'm not a commando. or i wont ever get a girlfriend if i'm not a commando. AND THAT IT WERE REALLY TRUE. then maybe i would be motivated.

for honour and glory? it means nothing to me. how about for ord? maybe they should trick me into thinking that since i'm from mono-intake, i cannot ord unless i become a commando. ok i shall try to brainwash myself. hahah but like that would work!!!

excited and sad at the same time...

2011-10-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

today i found out that i wont be in the same det as almeric... :( so depressing. and i also found out that my new buddy's PT is damn imba... :( even more depressing. and i also found out that it was my second last day in training branch and tomorrow will be my last day in training branch. which means no more canteen breaks, no more nights out and NO MORE SLEEPING AND WAKING UP LATE (or playing of computer games in the office when things get bored. thank you miniclip.com and kongregate.com. you have brought so much fun joy and laughter in my life) !!! :(((( so very extremely depressing. but you know what is the worst of all? no more zi ao!!! bwaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! *sobs*

sigh... sat book-outs, sunday book-ins, outfield, outfield, outfield, outfield. outfield. combat ration. lectures. but yayy. live firing. :D i love live firing!!! and navigation! like i've said so many times. meeting new people, discovering more about myself, developing as a person, hopefully growing in faith, and of course. one more step closer to my ultimate goal of being a commando (officer).

so yup. i am excited too. and omg ykw? i am det ic. hahaha i hope i do a good job.

shopping is so expensive...

2011-10-06T01:10:00.000+08:00

i took off today and managed to get everything i need for cslc. today was such an expensive day!! in fact, i've been spending a lot of money in preperation for the course.

i bought a new torchlight, utility knife, belt, razor blades, and compass i think. the utility knife was the most expensive of all, at $130, followed by the torch at $95. tht's a little crazy but i think it's worth it. :) so anyway, i got all that i needed and i really really excited!!!

i hope i can pass this course with flying colours, then hopefully go to ocs. :) i think if i have to extend then ok la, extend ord la. i think it's worth it. better than suffering for many more months as a sergent, only to get my red beret a few months before i ord.

*warcry* "ARGH!!!"

p.s.: emceeing for ranger graduation ceremony was awesome fun. :)

omg omg omg

2011-10-04T23:47:00.000+08:00

omg omg omg. it's confirmed. i am in the 62nd CSLC. i managed to qualify for everything! BAC, IPPT and SOC.

so excited!! i hope i'm in the same det as almeric muahahaha and perhaps be his buddy muahahaha.

i'm still quite scared for the physical aspects of the training as well as the expected high expectations of the instructors... but tht is all. i am very prepared for everything else. and excited too!! cant wait to start playing with all the weapons again! and navigation!! woohoo!!

CSLC

2011-09-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

CO gave me the green light and i am to recourse CSLC provided that i am able to pass my IPPT and SOC. and i did!! woohoo!!

i will be joining this batch of recruits and i hope i get along with my detachment this time...

i just completed my SOC this morning and i am mortally afraid of my fitness. it will cost me this course. i managed to clear the obstacles fairly quickly, faster than the divers, but i died along the 300m final stretch. i could hardly breath and i couldnt feel my legs. but i still managed to come in at 4min 7s when the passing timing was 6min.

i do hope that there is enough time for me to train up my fitness during the course before the physical tests start. because my 2.4km timing is fucked up. of all the IPPT tests i have taken, only two did not make the CDO gold standard. now, it's three. timing? 10min 50s. what the pong?!?!?!? i am so angry at myself. but oh well. i never have the motivation to train. :(

anyway, i met the divers that will be joining our course. really nice guys. very approachable. i like. hopefully i will be able to bond well. i realise that out of the two buddies i had, i'm closer to the CSLC one. perhaps i'll have yet another buddy of my life? haha

i feel kinda sorry for Mervyn cos i used to bully him. i'm quite a bully for someone so short hahaha. anywho... i remember one time in ******, we were navigating and got lost. we called for help but didnt expect that MWO Ho would come down personally to show us the way. he told us to stay put and specifically said that he wanted to see me because i got stung by two wasps, three times that day. somehow, i was really afraid. it was pure fear, but i felt some uncertainty. it felt like the fear of darkness i had when i was a young kid. and i suddenly felt like going to mervyn. we were sitting quite apart from each other, so i got up and sat down beside him. he was singing some praise and worship songs so i decided to join him. surprisingly, it calmed me down immediately, and i felt this sense of bliss creeping up. i actually felt comfortable. comfortable in a foreign land, in a mountain valley, wearing someone else's clothes, with a huge load on my back, lying under a tree in the dirt, after 2 days of not bathing. i actually felt comfortable. i hope i remember this moment forever, and i hope i keep in touch with mervyn especially when we become school mates in the future.

CSLC here i come.

give me hope

2011-09-28T20:46:00.001+08:00

last night, I was alone in my bunk crying quite badly, with heavy sobs and everything. I haven't been so sad in a very long time and I was crying because I read a re-post on fb.

it was a serious of pictures about animals whose captions were either poems or letters by this group called advocate for saving dogs. They could be "from" the animals themselves or they could be to people like us from the workers at shelters. The latter (letters) usually spoke abt the plight of the animals once they were dumped at shelters and these struck me the most.

perhaps i should post one of the letters here.

Yes, I Gas Dogs and Cats for a Living. I'm an Animal Control officer in a very small town in central North Carolina. I'm in my mid thirties, and have been working for the town in different positions since high school. There is not much work here, and working for the county provides good pay and benefits for a person like me without a higher education. I'm the person you all write about how horrible I am. I'm the one that gasses the dogs and cats and makes them suffer. I'm the one that pulls their dead corpses out smelling of Carbon Monoxide and throws them into green plastic bags. But I'm also the one that hates my job and hates what I have to do. First off, all you people out there that judge me, don't. God is judging me, and I know I'm going to Hell. Yes, I'm going to hell. I wont lie, it's despicable, cold, cruel and I feel like a serial killer. I'm not all to blame, if the law would mandate spay and neuter, lots of these dogs and cats wouldn't be here for me to gas. I'm the devil, I know it, but I want you people to see that there is another side to me the devilGas Chamber man.

The shelter usually gasses on Friday morning. Friday's are the day that most people look forward to, this is the day that I hate, and wish that time will stand still on Thursday night. Thursday night, late, after nobody's around, my friend and I go through a fast food line, and buy 50 dollars worth of cheeseburgers and fries, and chicken. I'm not allowed to feed the dogs on Thursday, for I'm told that they will make a mess in the gas chamber, and why waste the food.

So, Thursday night, with the lights still closed, I go into the saddest room that anyone can every imagine, and let all the doomed dogs out out their cages. I have never been bit, and in all my years doing this, the dogs have never fought over the food. My buddy and I, open each wrapper of cheeseburger and chicken sandwich, and feed them to the skinny, starving dogs.

They swallow the food so fast, that I don't believe they even taste it. There tails are wagging, and some don't even go for the food, they roll on their backs wanting a scratch on their bellys. They start running, jumping and kissing me and my buddy. They go back to their food, and come back to us. All their eyes are on us with such trust and hope, and their tails wag so fast, that I have come out with black and blues on my thighs.. They devour the food, then it's time for them to devour some love and peace. My buddy and I sit down on the dirty, pee stained concrete floor, and we let the dogs jump on us. They lick us, they put their butts in the air to play, and they play with each other. Some lick each other, but most are glued on me and my buddy.I look into the eyes of each dog. I give each dog a name.

They will not die without a name.

I give each dog 5 minutes of unconditional love and touch. I talk to them, and tell them that I'm so sorry that tomorrow they will die a gruesome, long, torturous death at the hands of me in the gas chamber. Some tilt their heads to try to understand. I tell them, that they will be in a better place, and I beg them not to hate me. I tell them that I know I'm going to hell, but they will all be playing with all the dogs and cats in heaven. After about 30 minutes, I take each dog individually, into their feces filled concrete jail cell, and pet them and scratch them under their chins. Some give me their paw, and I just want to die. I just want to die. I close the jail cell on each dog, and ask them to forgive me. As my buddy and I are walking out, we watch as every dog is smiling at us and them don't even move their heads. They will sleep, with a full belly, and a false sense of security.

As we walk out of the doomed dog room, my buddy and I go to the cat room. We take our box, and put the very friendly kittens and pregnant cats in our box. The shelter doesn't keep tabs on the cats, like they do the dogs. As I hand pick which cats are going to make it out, I feel like I'm playing God, deciding whose going to live and die. We take the cats into my truck, and put them on blankets in the back. Usually, as soon as we start to drive away, there are purring cats sitting on our necks or rubbing against us. My buddy and I take our one way two hour trip to a county that is very wealthy and they use injection to kill animals. We go to exclusive neighborhoods, and let one or two cats out at a time. They don't want to run, they want to stay with us. We shoo them away, which makes me feel sad. I tell them that these rich people will adopt them, and if worse comes to worse and they do get put down, they will be put down with a painless needle being cradled by a loving veterinarian.

After the last cat is free, we drive back to our town. It's about 5 in the morning now, about two hours until I have to gas my best friends. I go home, take a shower, take my 4 anti-anxiety pills and drive to work.. I don't eat, I can't eat.

It's now time, to put these animals in the gas chamber. I put my ear plugs in, and when I go to the collect the dogs, the dogs are so excited to see me, that they jump up to kiss me and think they are going to play. I put them in the rolling cage and take them to the gas chamber. They know. They just know. They can smell the death.. They can smell the fear. They start himpering, the second I put them in the box. The boss tells me to squeeze in as many as I can to save on gas. He watches. He knows I hate him, he knows I hate my job. I do as I'm told. He watches until all the dogs, and cats (thrown in together) are fighting and screaming. The sounds is very muffled to me because of my ear plugs. He walks out, I turn the gas on, and walk out. I walk out as fast as I can. I walk into the bathroom, and I take a pin and draw blood from my hand. Why? The pain and blood takes my brain off of what I just did.

In 40 minutes, I have to go back and unload the dead animals. I pray that none survived, which happens when I overstuff the chamber. I pull them out with thick gloves, and the smell of carbon monoxide makes me sick. So does the vomit and blood, and all the bowel movements. I pull them out, put them in plastic bags. They are in heaven now, I tell myself. I then start cleaning up the mess, the mess, that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not spay or neutering your animals. The mess that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not demanding that a vet come in and do this humanely. You ARE THE TAXPAYERS, DEMAND that this practice STOP! So, don't call me the monster, the devil, the gasser, call the politicians, the shelter directors, and the county people the devil. Heck, call the governor, tell him to make it stop.

As usual, I will take sleeping pills tonight to drown out the screams I heard in the past, before I discovered the ear plugs. I will jump and twitch in my sleep, and I believe I'm starting to hallucinate. This is my life. Don't judge me. Believe me, I judge myself enough.

you see how the animals love us unconditionally? you see how we turn our backs on them once we find them a hassle to take care? do you know that it is not uncommon for abandoned pets to search for their owners? do you see how they have so much hope even when their owners have totally given up on them?

doesnt it make you question humanity? or the meaning of the word "humane"? it's so fucking sad, isnt it? i'm not sure if singapore is like that, but my guess is yes. even though we dont gas them, lethal injection is just as bad. i cried damn badly but i didnt know what to do. i felt very helpless then and felt just so sad, like there was no point in living if we cant fulfill our duty as stewards of God's creations.

but erjie smsed me and i told her about it, and she told me to think of something else because there really was nothing i could do about it. which was true i guess. she told me to go to this website called givesmehope.com and i went to read all the posts. it didn't really give me hope, but it did make me feel better. like get my mind off it. then i suddenly thought. all is not lost. we didnt fulfill our duty as stewards of God's creations, but at least some of us do.

some of us actually love animals as much as they do love humans. we love them unconditionally, whether they are sick, healthy, skinny or fat just as they would to us, just as God would to us.AND THIS GAVE ME HOPE.

for every abandoned pet, there's a crazy cat lady with 600 cats in her tiny apartment waiting for them. for every abused animal, there's a loving owner who celebrates his pet's birthday with his family. for every animal put down, there is a place for them in heaven where God can finally take care of them.

thinking of this made me question the way i treat people. for those who know me, i'm nice to those i like and very judgemental to those i do not. if i can treat all animals as God would want us to, then i think i should strive to extend this treatment to all people as well.

62nd CSLC FTW

2011-09-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

it is confirmed. battalion side allows me to recourse CSLC. i only need CO's green light, should should not be a problem.

after having acquired all the skills necessary, i kinda realise that we "take it for granted". like, we dont know how far we have come since we enlisted, how much we have grown physically, mentally and hopefully spiritually and most importantly, how much we have accomplished.

let's talk about weapons. who the hell would have dreamt of firing fire arms in singapore? and the types of weapons i have fired? i can't count with one hand. how about route marches? we started with a 4km route march in vest and slack and rifle in hand in the evening. and now? we've done 24km route marches, 6km fast march and the countless of fast marches in tekong while i was still a recruit. like what the freak?! it has become such a habit that my walking speed is so much faster, and i'm already a "fast" walker. but too bad still cant tank weight. :P how about PT? i have improved in every aspect of IPPT (almost). last time i ached for 1 whole week when i did 15 chin ups at one shot. i could do 15 with no kicks in CSLC. shuttle run 8.8s. it's the first time i went under 9s!! sit up still the same la, huh? haha. SBJ less... but only 5cm behind. but 2.4km, almost below 9min! i never dreamt of going that fast. and push ups. dont see my moobs big big then think my push ups damn zai. before ns, i struggled with 30. after a couple sessions of endless PT, i'm proud to say that i ever did over ten sets of ten push ups (wide, normal and diamond have their own sets)plus more.

how about all the skills? navigation!!! my favourite! we are now able to find our way out of any place with just a map and compass. not only that, we can point out where we are approximately with mere pacing alone. how about all the different experiences we've had. sleeping out in the open? forget basha tents. we're so shagged out, we dont even lay out ground sheets. not bathing for seven days? not having proper food for seven days? having less than ten hours of sleep in seven days? getting stung by wasps three times in one day?!?!?! wtf?! and how about this. navigating through alien terrain, travelling over 15km (or was it 25km?) in 3 days with nothing but your team, map and compass to checkpoints and finally finding your way back to the final destination with no one supervising. that was the best experience i've ever had, period. too bad for the effed up hyper ventilation.

who could have said, "i've been through all these" but ourselves? where else can you experience this but ns? i tell you, ns should be the time of your life, where you experience the most extreme of emotions and go through the worst and best times of your lives. i'm beginning to feel it already. and i'm happy and i feel lucky to be given the chance to experience CSLC once more.

the learning will definitely be easy, though i expect expectations of me will be sky high. i know how to handle all the different weapons, i know how to navigate, i know everything i need to know and i think i still remember most of it. the only thing i still dont know is ops order. :P so i'm gonna use this chance to really learn and be confident about it.

i am grateful for being given another chance at CSLC because i was an asshole to my detachment and team mates in 61st CSLC. at first it was because i didnt know anyone there, so i kept to myself. then it became a habit and i didnt learn how to work with them as a team, often throwing lame tantrums, and basically not behaving as a normal human being should. i talked to my buddy about it just yesterday, and he said that it was because i had the attitude of "it's my way, or the highway." i guess in a sense i was too used to this kind of "leadership" because i was used to dealing with juniors and wayward juniors. so it was really my way or the highway, because if you dont listen to me, you are going to do it wrong. but that was not the only side of me. in fact, that is a very little part of me. the real leader in me is someone who is able to motivate the team well, give awesome pep talks, mind fuck them in a good way. he is also someone who is able to read people well, understand their emotions, circumstances, opinions and work things out from the way things look. to be the mentor, counselor, big brother. the way i lead my two favourite juniors junyang, wenjie, and perhaps my other juniors like ernest and alex. and i enjoy being such a leader. i hope to be like such, and i will be given the chance to be that someone because i can be the big brother to this bravo batch of boys.

my aim is to rally my detachment to be the best detachment in everyone's eyes. when people look at all the detachments, i want them to think, damn i wish i was in that detachment. or shit y does my detachment suck. if they want to think that it's because they have me that my detachmet is having things easy cos they have others to teach them, then so be it. cos then it'll mean that i am on my way to accomplish what i have just set out to achieve. det 2 used to be the fucked up det with lost of problems, of not working as a team, of losing equipment. i'll strive to help my new detachment be the best.

to all my old det mates, i'm sorry. i don't have the balls to say it in front of you and i'm sorry for that. maybe some of you don't bear grudges or dont even realise that i was not being a good person, but in any case, please do accept my apology. the biggest regret i have was to not join you all in taiwan. i could tell that you needed my help, but i'm so sorry. i didnt know wat was happening to me then and i didnt know wat the right decision was. i was at war with myself when i was deciding to quit and letting the det down was on the top of the list. so once again, i'm sorry. i promise all of you, to all who read this article, to all my old det mates, my bmt mates, my buddies, i will make full use of this second chance in life.

fickle? or just brain analyse too fast?

2011-08-29T16:30:00.000+08:00

i have decided that since they are going to send me back to battalion anyway, why not just go for it? i've decided to recourse CSLC. reason being, it's gonna be easier, much much easier cos i already know what's going on, and i possess all the skills necessary. it'll be like revision for me, for the ultimate test in taiwan. and taiwan will be considerably colder, so heat exhaustion will be less of a problem.

if EVERY single doctor tells me that it's not a problem, it's not a problem, then FINE. it's not a problem. if it becomes a problem and i die, then i can say, "i told you so." hahahaha then all you doctors can go suck on it and live the rest of your life in guilt. ok no just kidding. one of the doctors is my godfather. hahahaha. besides, it should be fine. the other time when it hit me while i was being enemy, i got it under control within 30 seconds.

i reckon that i will be under very little stress compared to the previous course since i'm going to go through all that they are going through, and i already know of the differences in the course beforehand. i also know what was wrong with me, like why i didn't or couldn't work well with my det before. so in that sense, i'll be able to work better as a team with my new detachment and thus things will be much easier. i never understood how to give ops orders, so now i get the chance to attend the lesson again. and since i sort of know how it goes, it'll be easier for me to understand how and why things go the way they do.

bottom line, since i already know that i'm STILL going to remain a commando (perhaps it's my destiny to earn the red beret *angelic choir's chorus sings in the background*), might as well go for it again, conquer the mountain i failed to conquer and not be a coward who takes the easier path?

but there might be a problem because if i do become a commando, i will forfeit going overseas to study. because i might not have the time to study for SATs. or even worse, sit for the test. the tests are all in the morning on saturday. so if i fail to bookout then, i die.

SATs

2011-08-24T22:51:00.000+08:00

actually, i regret not taking the SATs earlier. i may very well have been able to cope with the workload because, honestly, i think it's pretty good an exercise for comprehension. i really really really really regret about it. it would have helped so much with my A levels.

it's actually quite simple you know? simple in the sense that it has been stripped down, with no pretenses, nothing to trick you with, just plain, simple english and math that is of junior college level. it's so very raw. i havent started on the math part, but it seems really simple, like primary school stuff i swear!!! as for the english, i think that it would have really helped me with the skills that were necessary for comprehension. skills that i possessed in cat high, but somehow lost it during a levels.

i have recently developed this philosophy that practice really means everything. if you spend time to practice on something, there is no way that you cannot get better on your own. sure, it'll take time. sure, you'll never be better than those geniuses of this trade. but wat the hell, you'll win most improvement award for sure. makes me regret not doing some things in my life. like ballet. godamit i wish i had taken up ballet... drawing, painting, writing poetry. more artsy fartsy stuff actually. sports i seem to be able to take up more easily, but artsy fartsy stuff, not so. maybe i would have liked to learn more musical instruments. more even be more serious about my music theory. play the piano, violin, cello, flute, oboe, clarinet maybe...

i think my ability to play the few songs on my guitar is testament to this theory. the reason why i can only play these few songs, and these few songs well in my opinion, is cos i just keep practicing and practicing the same few notes over and over and over again. so much so that it has literally become muscle memory. when i forgot how to play certain parts of rylynn, once i took a look at the tabs and overcame that portion, the rest simply flowed . the process of relearning is so amazing. it's like a miracle happening in front of you. makes you go "woohoo!!" and i think i did go "woohoo!!" haha.

i tend to compartmentalise things when i remember things. do people do that too? or is it just me? when i learn the songs, i comparmentalise it and memorise it in portions. which led to me forgetting how to play cos i will forgot some portions of the songs then just blank out cos there is no more links to the rest of the song. i find that i do that for pole vault too. just look at my post about pole vaulting 101. every single part is compartmentalised, then linked with something, or the action itself being a link to the subsequent action. you know these thoughts actually go through my mind when i jump, from the point i step on the runway? grrr!! i feel like pole vaulting again.

omgwtfbbq!?!?

2011-08-24T22:31:00.000+08:00

wth! i thought that i could have everything settled today, but nooooooo... apparently the doctor says that he is not an expert in hyper-ventilation. then why was i sent to him?! it seems like all he wanted to find out was whether or not i had asthma, which i dont so whoopteedoo. -.-

i left the clinic with no new knowledge of why i have hyper-ventilation, what i should do if i have hyper-ventilation or most importantly, am i still fit to be a combatant. however, i left it with tons of future appointments. i have an exercise test, a visit to the psychiatrist, a visit to my ENT specialist and another review with this current doctor. the earliest appointment is on 14th september while the latest one is on 16th november. and that is when all my friends are getting their red berets. wts.

all i need is a piece of mind, to know that nothing will happen to me if i get hyper-ventilation, so that i have the confidence to go out and do stuff. but the doctor suddenly tells me that i can pass out from hyper-ventilation. i know it is highly unlikely, but with this possibility, does it still make me fit to be a combatant? i dont know. what if i were to pass out while parachuting? no one can guarantee that i won't right? they say it's a psychological thing. yes, i know. then how am i suppose to correct it? it's definitely not stress related. i am 99% sure that it is not. what else can it be? physical? the doctor mentioned something about weather. but they all seem to think that it is not a problem, merely a nuisance as he said. i dont share that view, personally. it poses very little danger to me, even less so to others. but if it can stop a whole platoon from advancing, it's definitely more than a nuisance right? i'm not really trying to keng here, but it really makes no sense to place someone who can pop up with breathing difficulties seemingly without any trigger (or with a psychological problem, if that's how they want to put it) in a combatant role, commando or not.

just hope that people in high places see my point of view and things will work out... really dont know wat's going to happen to me if i end up being a combatant again. means i wont ever have time to study for my SATs, then i will have to drop the idea of going overseas already... i need to submit everything around the time that i ORD. after that, i won't have time anymore. shit. and i wouldnt have been able to do the SATs anytime earlier even if i had wanted to study overseas like let's say in JC (definitely not in sec school cos my skill level would definitely not be high enough at that point of time) or even during my holidays. :(

远走高飞

2011-08-21T14:29:00.000+08:00

quite a bit has changed since i last blogged. i feel that i am less reserved about reaching out to my friends. for a period of time, i felt kinda annoyed that i have to be the one who plays the active role in keeping in contact with my friends. but i sorta hecked cared that cos it wasnt doing me any good.

i am still as excited as ever about this coming wednesday... i now have solid proof that the trigger to my hyperventilation was not caused by anxiety, stress, or even subconscious stress. when i was enemy for the rangers, i was just lying down there in my iLBV when i felt the exact same feeling i felt before the hyperventilation kicks in. the whole-body-going-numb-and-not-able-to-control-my-facial-or-hand-muscles thingy is, i suppose, a subset of hyperventilation, caused partly by exhaustion. i really wanna see what the specialist says about this.

did u know that i was more excited about wednesday than for my own birthday. yes! i am 19 already!! haha yayy! ohnehin, it was a fairly uneventful yet joyous day. :) i spent the morning and afternoon at with my best buds (yes i have finally acknowldged that i do have best friends) charlton, james and james. hahaha. we played l4d2 the whole time, and spent soem time at charlton's place as well, before i left for home to have a family dinner at this place called relish. :) the food there was nice, i liked the ambience of the place, and the waitresses there were damn pretty!!! that was the largest plus point. hahaha. bird watching indeed...

so, anyway, i went to send sham off last tuesday, and i met up with her on the saturday before. it was nice talking to her again, and i do regret not contacting her earlier. sigh... anyway, talking to her made me think about going overseas to study as well... i have been researching abit, and i have narrowed down my choices to a few universities. i think i'll be spending about one month's pay on all the application fees and stuff... but will it be worth it? i won't be able to pay for school fees, so i'll definitely need financial aid that pays for at least my tuition fees and lodging which are the two big ticket items. books and personal expenses are still manageable i think. i hope my results are good enough... if my results are good enough to get into mech engine in NUS quite comfortably, ranked 10th in the world, logic should tell you that it shouldnt be very difficult to get into another university of lower world ranking right? my guess now is that georgia tech and university of michigan are my best bet.

do wish me luck!! for this and for wednesday. :)

right now, i think i'm one of the happiest person alive. i have no worries for money with my ns allowance and stuff, i'm getting connected with my old friends once more (though i don't see much of any avenue to make new friends), i dont see a need/want to get a gf so the lack of female companionship doesnt really bother me, when i'm home i have a loving family, a happy home, and happy happy pets to dote on, and most importantly i have an awesome time at work with my sec one buddy zi ao accompanying me all day long, awesome office friends and two awesome superiors though there is this asshhole but oh well, i'm taking more than i'm giving so i have no complains. :DDD weeeeeeeee!!!

doh...

2011-08-05T01:19:00.000+08:00

i do not have asthma. can you believe it? i do not have asthma. i can't believe it. i do not have asthma. wow. i do not have asthma. but then what is it that i have? hyper ventilation is probably caused by stress. then if i don't have asthma, what is causing the chest tightness that i feel? it can't be my mind playing tricks on me, can it? if it is, then i think that that's really quite dangerous, don't you think?

i don't if it's because my mind is too powerful, my imagination is too strong or perhaps i'm just batshit crazy. sometimes, what is and what i think is becomes indistinguishable. i may even start to feel what i think i should feel. isn't it scary? take this for example. i think i have asthma, so perhaps i think i should feel like i have asthma, and when i test if i really do feel as if i have asthma when i take a deep breath, i feel the chest tightness, and then think that it is asthma. :/

i really hope that i can get some definite answers on the 24th. if my mind is so powerful that i can even trick my very own body into thinking it has something it doesn't, i'm very sure that it can trick my very own body into thinking that it doesn't have what it doesn't have. please please please let me got on with this.

work has been fine, fun and fruitful. yayy! f words! i fucking did it! hahaha. my boss seems to think quite highly of me i think. he told me to read through this thick pile of documents on training safety and from there come up at least 20 questions from each chapter which will then be compiled and made into a test. me? a corporal? an nsf? quite scary if you ask me. i think i "earned" this by being sincere, hardworking (too hardworking sometimes) and, with luck by my side, doing the right things that hit the right note. he addresses me as "RJ" at times, which means that who i am may be attributed to my time spent in rj, or that all rafflesians are similar to who i am. i'm fine with it because only i need to know that it was not only rj that taught me to be who i am, but rather cat high, pole vault, my family and everything else that played a role developing me into what i am today. i really do hope that i get to stay on because i enjoy what i'm doing and i enjoy the people around me. (i think a better job could be done in expressing what i feel about this. but alas, the archer is only as good as his bow, the fibber his tongue and the jacob his command in english and the art of expressing thoughts and feelings into words. damn.)

i feel bad many a times because i witness my peers suffering while i'm leading a good life. i don't know if i'm blessed, lucky or cursed. it started in taiwan, and it was the worse in taiwan. while i did alternate 24 hour shifts looking after ammo, giving out ammo, clearing rubbish, delivering food and water, etc., my dettachment and other course mates are out in the jungles fighting to stay awake, fighting hunger, fighting all their inner demons and literally fighting. i'm clean. they're fucking dirty. i have a shirt on my back, sometimes none. they carry 20kg of load, plus my share. i sleep on a safari bed in a clean comfortable tonner. they sleep (if ever) in the mud, under the sun and stars, at the very mercy of the typhoon, mosquitoes and instructors. i eat fresh rations with an unending supply of night snacks. they have combat rations. every morning when i see them come to collect water and ammo, every night when i see them walk by me to go to their next mission, i literally feel ashamed to look at them. i dare not face them even after everything was ended. i feel so bad because i was enjoying myself. the worse was when i was still with them, but not allowed to join them. then to "atone" for what i've done, i work hard and try my best to do the best i can in whatever task has been assigned to me. it makes me feel good i guess, because at least i can say to myself, "i've worked the hardest i can. i can't put myself in anymore pain or equal them in suffering." but i can never bring myself to say anything to my course mates. i don't really know what to say, see. in such circumstance, what should one say?

then just this tuesday they were back. many ask me, "how's life?" i was honest and i said. "life's great. 8 to 5, what more can i ask for?" it didn't occur to me that history was sorta repeating itself. guess what happened after all of them got their rank? they got turned out for 3 hours, while i was safe in my air-conditioned room, reading my book. not a good feeling, man. i could have been out there with them, in taiwan, at battalion, if not for this. so is it a blessing or a curse? i have no idea. and right now, i don't even know what is happening to them. but for sure as hell they aren't in their bedrooms blogging. the regimentation that they have to under go now is almost opposite to the freedom i have. it's as if my freedom has been paid for with their suffering.

and why am i even taking myself on this guilt trip?! it makes no cow sense. :(

Alice im Wunderland

2011-07-30T02:33:00.000+08:00

"Alice im Wunderland" ist "Alice in Wonderland" in Deutsch. IIch schreibe dies in Deutsch, weil ich sonst nichts Besseres zu tun haben. hahaha.

ohnehin... it was such a delight to read, i tell you. i was beaming inside of me, and out sometimes, all the time. i never knew how deep the story could be intellectually and figuratively, since alice fell down the rabbit hole. HAHA.

it is in fact, really quite profound if you wish to read it as the author "wanted" you to. (one of the many versions i borrowed from the library had notes written for all the important lines) but nonetheless, you can still understand and enjoy the story at it's face value. but of course, don't get the kid's version. get the non-kinky adult version. :) i especially love the poems he wrote and all the original illustrations!!

if i were to ask myself what lessons i have learnt, which i just did, then i would say that if life becomes what it wasn't before, it's best to go with the flow. even till the point that it becomes weird, bizarre and down right absurd, you still gotta become weird, bizarre and down right absurd.

next, "Don Quixote". i'm really excited to start reading it!! and as my sister said, yes i have become a bookworm of sorts. haha. i will have to search for the next book to read soon.

i read dante's inferno in sec 4, in the midst of O levels. and i dare say that i would not have understood what dante was trying to tell me if not for the notes written by the translator. and thinking about these two books, if i were an author, i would be very sad that people are not reading and understanding my stories as i intended them to because what i write is too profound for a lay-man to understand, or perhaps due to the loss of value in meaning through translation. well unless, that is my intention. sometimes when i blog, or write my narratives, i also try to put some "secret" verses with double meanings, hoping that my readers will understand. but i'm very afraid that they won't. but i guess i need not worry much, for i'm not that very smart after all. it is still fun for me though. i do wish i could go back to cat high, when i could still write narratives. how very fun it would be to write narratives, now that my command of english is slightly better than before.

and you know what i realise? after i watch a show, like let's say family guy, blackadder, or big bang theory, i tend to speak funny for a while. hahaha. and now i realise that after reading, i too speak funny and thus write funny as well, because what i type is actually what i would say to someone in real life.

do not be mistaken, dear reader. i am no bookworm, for i do partake in frivolous activities. exampli gratia, patapon 3, assassin's creed, burnout legends, a few movies here and there, and i play the guitar. but i hardly have time for that now, now that i'm just reading, trying to rush for the deadline of my borrowed books.

ohnehin, i am still not crossing over, but geoffrey is. :( not sure about melvin though... sigh... sad. but ohnehin, this arrangement is only temporary. the MO says that asthma is not enough reason to down pes, which means that i will most likely still be a cdo combatant. but the thing is, i'm not properly trained in any other vocation. so it's a kinda of a not three not four thing. so, CO says that i may very well be a combat supporter. or at least that is what he recommends i be. if my wish be granted, then i will be a very happy man indeed. :) i've gotten so used to this lifestyle, i honestly do not want to revert back to what i did before. it is sad indeed, that my visions of how NS would be and how i would react to it is not what NS is and how i am reacting to it. but fret not singapore. i've sworn allegiance to thee, and i will do my best in whatever posting i've been assigned. you know me well enough, don't you. you've cradled me for all my life and before to know me well enough.

hahah just today, i was doing work and my friend said, "are you in a hurry?" then i realised, "yeah. why am i doing this with such haste?" haha but i lied and just said, "finish faster then can read my storybook." :) i realise that sometimes i take myself too seriously. and other as well. seems kinda unnecessary each time i "see" myself doing it. i dont even know how to stop it from beginning. how?

PRC. my home for a long time.

2011-07-21T16:46:00.000+08:00

just went to see the specialist today. i will have to go for a few tests to see how serious my asthma is, and to find out the root cause of the hyper ventilation. my guess is that it could be, as the doctor said, sub-conscious stress, which would then explain why i can hyper ventilate for no apparent reason.

and i just got the confirmation from CO last night that i will not be crossing over to battalion with the other boys. which means that i'll get to stay in PRC for a longer time!! woohoo!! which means that i'll get to go ranger course!! woohoo!! i hope so. haha. gosh it's gonna be so fun... i hope. :) and i absolutely love the department i'm in! so, i've got a good one month plus in PRC with geoffrey and melvin. :) yayy!!

to be a "fighter" or a "service supporter"?

2011-07-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

to be or not to be, that is the question my doctor shall answer for me next thursday.

whatever the verdict, i think i'll enjoy what i'll do.

fighter? BAC! recce team would be awesome possum! and the whole thing about earning the red beret, about getting shit thrown at you any time, from any direction, with varying size and mass of shit, so you understand what shit feels like, and subsequently will be able to conquer any shit thrown at you. this last point is what defines a commando. you identify a commando by his silver wings and red beret, but the last point i mentioned forms his identity. and i may very well recourse leaders' course! which means a second chance at OCS!! omg! how many people in their lives get a second chance at OCS?! unless they specify that no matter how well i do, i will not qualify for OCS. and no matter what, ORD in #1. and maybe i may take part in NDP. but probably not la, so short. hahaha.

service supporter? 8 to 5!!! free time to do relaxing stuff. like listening to music, playing games, watching movies, play pool, play the guitar, read a book, learn another hobby like carving sculptures in pencil leads. and it's almost like working in an office, where you must 看老板的脸色, handle mind-numbing computer work, and other stuff. and then again, i might not be stuck with the office job. they may send me for training to be something. like armskote man, company quartermaster, CO's runner, et cetera. but i think the greatest draw is that the work you do is relatively relaxing, compared to what fighters do. there's still a certain amount of stress, no doubt, but it is definitely manageable. you are able to take one day at a time, instead of falling asleep while thinking about all the horrible things that may happen to you the next day.

so, anyway. it feels as if God thinks my NS life is not exciting enough, so much so that he must add in this extra segment for me... like wth, commando fighter to pro clerk who might have another chance at being a commando fighter or even officer? hahahaha exciting...

anyway, that thing aside, i've decided to discard my anti-social ways. living in rj for 2 years has somehow made me anti-social and i don't think that that is going to do me any good. one day, i'm going to try to go out on the streets and just talk to strangers. that could be fun. i was just reflecting upon how anti-social i was in rj cos i didn't really fit in and find myself a clique, how i got comfortable with that and made that a habit, and how i'm reaping what i sowed now. i was feeling so very lonely then, with no one to talk to. i'm someone no one talks to first. i'm always the one initiating the conversation, and the feeling kinda sucks. i had to resort to spamming those i think would reply my message with an sms. and even then, it took me about 20 minutes before i got my first reply. but after that, it was just a flurry of smses. which kept me contented for a while, till everyone's sms just died down... could it be true that i am unable to communicate well with others? or is it that i simply lack the "draw"/charisma that keeps people interested in me? or is that in indication of the failure to communicate? hmmm... in any case, social suicide ftw!!!

yayy!! going out tmr!!! mua hahahaha and you know what? my officer didn't tell me when i have to book in. hahahahahaha

regret... regret.... regret...

2011-07-10T11:31:00.000+08:00

yep... kinda regretting about deciding to quit commando. i thank God that i was given this time to REALLY think things through. i realise that i lost the pride of being a commando. though i have OOC-ed, i am still a commando in reality. just one whose status is in limbo.

good news is, nothing is final yet. though i have missed a third of the course and thus cannot qualify to be a leader, i may have a chance to recourse. even if that doesn't happen, i can still be a weapon man. and i can still do BAC. and another option just opened up, i believe. i could join the recce team. how cool is that? it's like being a mini pathfinder. and i think one would have to go through POW training if there were a "course" for this.

so, my mind is made up. when i see the specialist, i will list out all my concerns and problems. and if he says that i'm clear to go, then I AM CLEAR TO GO. i shall resume being, thinking and leading like a commando.

oh, and i shall be a corporal which is a good "substitute" to my sergeant rank. cos i missed out a third of my course, so i only have two-thirds a chevron, plus a cap to stop all the shit from falling inside. hahahaha and and and, it's like if u push it hard enough, it becomes a chevron. so, quite ok la huh? hahahah

omg payday!!

anw, here are my concerns:

1) what may trigger hyper ventilation? (my guess is climate and stress)
2) is there any link with asthma?
3) what are the "dangers" of hyper ventilation?
4) my apparent childhood asthma has become worse since i enlisted. in the past i could exert myself without having to use my ventolin. now, i have to use it before PT very frequently, especially when it is cold and i'm wet like in the early morning or after it rains.

what happened to BAC?!

2011-07-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

sigh sigh sigh... OC and CO decided to take me out of BAC despite the MO giving me green light to... oh wells... so right now, i'm just helping out in HQ, doing some admin work. quite fun la. just staring at the computer, typing out stuff... but damn it one of the recruits in the office thinks he's all that. so annoying. and it's as if his parent's didnt teach him any manners... oh wells. the other guy is swell. really nice guy. haha. ok bye. going back to sch tmr!! for once in like 4 months. mua hahaha.

OOC?

2011-07-04T23:11:00.001+08:00

all my apparent efforts in the past three months has gone down the drain, into the sewers and has been treated by the waste management company, only to come out as the counterpart of newater, bio-hazardous poop. i went out of course while in taiwan, and as a result, i will not be getting my rank. or any rank for that matter i think.

i was having some breathing difficulties then. they came and went without warning, and i could not keep it in control. the doctors couldn't state what was wrong, and the only explanation i could find was that it was asthma. asthma that was triggered by the climate. and i made the decision that i should be taken out of the course. the officers decided that it would be best, lest something happens to me, and so they agreed.

after seeing the MO and talking to my uncle today, i am now convinced that what i was suffering from was merely hyper ventilation. the MO could describe certain symptoms associated with hyper ventilation which i experienced. plus, my uncle said almost the same thing. haha actually he told me before. but i somehow refused to listen to him then. :/ so, my uncle suspects that it was stress induced, and i think that it is true.

when i was in the leader's course, it was hard for me to destress. i no longer had friends i could confide in, or feel connected with. this was unlike in bmt when i had my clique with alan and junkai, plus my det and of course my family. but in the leader's course, it was totally the opposite. i had no one. even though he sleeps just opposite me, even junkai didn't have time to spend with me. then there were some problems. and finally, not forgetting the fact that the whole course was stressful. so it was like trying to clear a pile of sand off me with a toothpick while people poured buckets of sand ever so often.

so if stress is the problem, then stress is also the solution. all i have to do now is to try to destress. but that is so hard to do... even if BAC was slack, life will be CSLC all over again once we shift over to battalion. and that is going to carry on till after ATEC. if i don't get some zen in the game, i might not be able to survive. how? sigh...

i think the best thing to do now, is to enjoy BAC while i can, go for the review, and confirm things. then move off from there.

please pray for me.

missing: 19 year old boy with a jolly good sense of humour

2011-06-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

alrighty people. will be gone for quite some time. do miss me. cos i know i'll miss civilisation. byeee

good bye, dear wallet which i shall from hence name picard

2011-06-10T01:00:00.001+08:00

so long, farewell. you have served me well.

though the reason why you chose to leave me at such an important time period, with all my valuables id est $80, SGCC membership card, atm card, ez link card, some coins, prayer cards, camp pass and 11B, eludes me, like sleep, happiness, comfort, food and love eluded me while i was in tekong, i will try not be too sad. free will was yours to keep, and right i have none in taking it away from you.

how you waltzed away from the warmth of my pocket remains a mystery, and a mystery it shall forever remain. speaking of waltz, i realise that some of my songs are waltzs, if that is the plural term of waltz. who was your partner in crime, had you waltzed away? was it the screwed up movie ticket stubs? or could it have been a kate spade? coco chanel? or could it have been choon keng tang?

in the past two and a half years since my 17th birthday, you have been close to me, literally. like next-to-my-right-butt-cheek kind of close. you share my (monetary) woes and (monetary) joys. you even know my deepest darkest (monetary) secrets. you kept my notes straight, organised, and safe. you cradled my coins like my underwear would my loins. i could never thank you enough. so, if ever you happen to chance upon my blog, thank you, though this is not enough.

i am sad to say that i will now have to find a replacement. it is such a hassle and with me being nonexistent in the coming month, i do not see an opportunity to do so anytime soon. have you realised that had you not done so, i wouldnt have to go through all this trouble? do you see the problem you have created? do you feel proud of yourself? shame on you, wallet. shame on you.

sigh... in any case, i miss you dearly already, though it has only been 3 hours since we've been apart.

come back to me?

dear dumb diary

2011-05-29T01:20:00.000+08:00

this shall be the last post in a very long time for i am going to be very extremely busy till july, or so i'm told, not that anybody cares. haha kidding. i know everyone loves me. i'm just so lovable. what to do... sigh...

anyway, i never thought that such a thing would happen to me. it's like something out of stories. i don't even know anyone who has such a similar experience. when i first knew of it, i felt betrayed, but there was no anger. i merely thought, "just too bad." then i felt liberated. and after seeing the whole picture, i just laughed. it was hilarious, because it was a revolting sight. but still, liberated. and a free man i am.

i am much happier and confidant of myself now, mainly because the breathlessness thingamijiggidoohicky is getting better, though it's still there, and because my ippt is so awesome. hahaha oh and that thing too. also, preparing for our upcoming busy weeks with my team is somehow making us more bonded. but just a little. i still don't really feel a sense of belonging as i did before in bmt. quite sad, but what to do? it's the best i've got. and with this sense of slight camaraderie, i have something to hold on to. i know that i've got people who's got my back and vice versa. and i am excited to use my new back straps. i really hope that it works. then my life will not be so miserable.

i know that it will be miserable, with the dirt, not bathing, sweating, rolling in mud, which leads to heat rash. then there is the not brushing teeth, which is disgusting cos you can feel the plaque just piling up on your teeth. and then there is the not seeing my family, and not having access to my phone making things worse. :( will definitely miss them.

so, this week has been quite eventful, i have to admit. and what a fitting way to say adieu to this week of freedom.

first, two big things surfaced because some people made some big mistakes and made some people real mad, after which some punishments were mete out to some people and that was that. and when the things surfaced and reared it's ugly head at us, i was quite frightened because i may very well have been a good target. understand what i'm talking about? no? good.

second, this guy had an accident, and he ended up with some stitches on his noggin, and he turned up to lesson with a very funny head-do. hahaha. and then there is a funny story with this guy.

we were having lunch, and i'm not particularly close to him, but he suddenly said, "jacob, do you have adhd?" hahahaha it was so funny. then he said, "because you act like one of my friend, and he was diagnosed with having adhd. he's like pes e now." hahahaha and that was funny too. so i replied, "i think i'm adhd, but not to the extent that it can be diagnosed as a problem. and actually, i think everyone has adhd, just not a lot only. perhaps, mine is just higher than average." at which my bmt buddy said something like, "what nonsense? you totally have adhd la! you need to take medication once every hour leh! i think you are bipolar also la!" hahah and then while he was saying it, i was removing a bubble from this big sticker about the mozzie wipeout on the table by first poking it with my fork. hahahah then my buddy said, "and now i think you are ocd too." hahahahahah and it's true!! i'm quite ocd. so that lunch was quite enjoyable. the food and company were both just fine. :D

so anyway. this was the first week that i'm happy in leaders' course. and other than the reasons that i have stated above, i'm happy also because i feel that i've made my mark. i have things to be proud of and to show. we have a point system for ippt, and i scored 90.25 out of 100, which is really very impressive, in case you don't know. people also know me for my 280cm jump. mua hahaha. it feels really good. to be finally recognised, and have something to be recognised for.

i have decided that i shall put in my 100% effort from start till end, even if end meant falling out. because then, at least i can say that i have tried my best and most importantly, people cannot make noise. i must try to make myself happy, even if i have to lie to myself. if not, i don't think i can survive the next month and a week.

random: i have learnt that pessimistic people call themselves "being realistic". and i have become someone who easily leans on being realistic. i dont want that. i hate that. i want to let my imaginations fly like a bird with a horse's body which has a narwhale's horns, who farts rainbows, pees happiness and shits pure luck, whose tongue is a mood ring and changes according to it's mood, but it's always green because green is a happy colour, who can teleport to anywhere it wants because it has a magical appendix which has a gps accurate to the nearest 1nm which then nullifies its need to fly unless it wants to do it just cos it can, whose hooves are made of adamantium

i rock.

for once in a few months, i'm happy

2011-05-21T14:09:00.000+08:00

i'm finally happy, after so long of feeling so shitty. mainly for two reasons. one, my det is finally bonding. and two, i got commando gold again for ippt. yayy!!!

so it's like 8.8s for shuttle run, which apparently is a new record, 62 situps, 280cm for standing broad jump (FINALLY!!!), 18 chinups, and 9min 7sec for 2.4km!! yayy!! it's all huge improvements from bmt ippt! so yayy!!

next, my det is finally bonding. we're more close now, and it feels awesome. i really feel like i can trust them like i trust my bmt det, though i still feel more comfortable with my bmt det.

hmmmm.... the past erm... half month has been really quite eventful. but i really cant rmb much details, just that last weekend's live range was so fucking fawesome!! i got to fire so many explosive weapons tht day, it was just spectacular. what made my day was that i got to fire the real live matador, and if i were my enemy, i'ld totally shit my pants. hahaha. within a short span of one plus seconds, i had three waves of euphoria crash over me. it was spectacular!!!

oh and my asthma thing is kinda like going away. i started taking chinese medicine and i'm getting better already. but i still failed my 5km SBO run. :( by 3 minutes and 3 seconds!! and the timing to meet was 30 minutes. boohoo!!! but i was so tiring... sian... i think i'll have to retake it this coming week.

sigh... i can say good bye to life once next week is over. i better make it last while i can. after that, it'll just be field training and tests all the way till july. ARGH!!!

other things that happened besides my health problems

2011-05-06T23:50:00.000+08:00

so yup. here were the other things that happened in the past week besides the health problems thingy.

i was on status from friday to sunday, so while the rest had to crawl in mud, i was happy staying clean, in the training shed. hahah i did manage to fire a few shots though, so it wasnt a day wasted. :D

then a few days later, we all went to fire pistols. and i dare say, i think i'm quite a good shot. i got 21 shots in the target out of 22, and i scored a few bull's eyes. :D so happy please. shall upload it once i scan the target paper.

anyway, somehow, i had lots of time to think about random stuff. and i would like to share some of my thoughts.

oh wait, before that, i have an announcement to make. I HAVE, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, SAT IN A GARBAGE TRUCK. mua hahahahahahha. haha!! i was doing guard duty and i had to escort the truck in the camp. it stank, but only like a really wet, wet market that's all. hahah. ok back to topic. :)

i like to have lessons in our auditorium, because it makes me feel like i'm in the airport at night, going on holiday. especially when it starts to get cold, and i can hear the hum of the air conditioner, with silence almost everywhere, and me wearing long pants and sleeves and my boots. it feels like i'm at the airport with jeans and long sleeves and a pair of warm shoes. it feels really really good, and it invokes memories of me going on holidays with my family, especially to lombok or taiwan.

and speaking of taiwan, whenever i see planes flying by me now, i feel as if i'm in the plane going on a holiday to taiwan with my family. i can actually feel myself sitting in the cramped seat, with the air conditioning, vibration of the plane, and the pressurised feeling in my ear cavity. never felt better in such an uncomfortable setting haha.

speaking of "imaginary transportation", music has such an effect on me. it has the ability to invoke memories, whether good or bad. if the memory is strong, the feeling will be damn surreal, like i'm living in that moment once more. it feels like my spirit and body is there, but my consciousness still remains with me. it's really an amazing feeling. beautiful in fact. for example, when i listen to ingrid michaelson, i find myself back in lombok, with the aircon room of the villa, with my lying on the bed listening to the songs and the others just outside in our private pool playing. which then brings me to the snorkelling and surfing and stuffs. just thinking of this makes me so happy. when i listen to the dancenight soundtrack, i find myself back in the UCC helping out. i feel the cold cold aircon, with my singapore jacket upon my back looking at the lights flashing against my face, and all the dancers actually performing. then the smell of the alley ways come wafting through my nostrils. and then i'm happy again. but of course, when the music reminds me of sad memories, i do feel sad. sometimes i even feel a lump in my throat. evidently, besides "transporting" me to another place, music also has the effect of affecting my emotions. :P

do you ever have cravings for songs? more often than not, i have cravings for songs more than food. weird, not? whenever i have cravings for songs, it'll be playing in my head, then i'll try to sing it if i know the lyrics, and then in the finaly stage, i HAVE to listen to it from my ipod or computer. but surprisingly, my craving might suddenly change to another song should the tunes in my head suddenly get warped. then i'll forget about the other song totally. haha. but sometimes it's alright if i don't manage to satisfy my craving because it'll go away somehow.

i think that the CONCEPT of an armed forces that consists of your own people, is a communist concept. now, before you go, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" first let me explain myself. "communist concept" being "giving up one's entire self for the sake of the greater good." am i not right in this? being part of an armed force requires you to do such that, to give up your life (in it's entire sense. life itself, career, et cetera) so that your loved ones may live. now, if an armed force should follow a pure capitalist structure, then our armed force would consist of purely mercenaries because the capitalist contept is that the richer wins all and the poor gets left in the dust, right? there. sounds more true now? haha

i have been marked with the "sign of weakness" as junkai fondly addresses it. haha i have to permanently wear this yellow wristband that usually only people with status wears. and i cannot take it out no matter what. and i have to carry my inhaler with me where ever i go if not i will be taken out of the course if found out. :( so harsh right? *sobs* but what to do? suck thumb lor. just too bad, understand nort? haha by the way, just as i was typing "the sign of weakness", toccata and fugue in d minor played in my itunes hahaha.

right now, i'm not sure if i want to extend my ord, or go do relief teaching after ns. i begin to understand and appreciate my sergeant now, more than during bmt and i would like to be one who makes a difference in other recruits/scts lives too. but then again, i want to go do relief teaching at a girl's secondary school, teaching physics. preferably upper sec. i want to see what a girl's school is like. you know, like after studying in an all boy's school for ten years, and then a co-ed for 2, i wanna see how a girl's school functions. i do enjoy seeing how people function as an individual, and as an individual in a community. it's a eureka moment everytime. like you'll go, "hmmm... interesting... i never knew that." haha. ok i think my mind is set. i shall be a relief teacher. because i realise that extending my ord will be extending my record for being in an all boy's environment. haha.

hello, almost dead blog

2011-05-06T23:01:00.000+08:00

quite a lot has happened since i last blogged.

it all started with a navigation exercise. we had to carry our full load and navigate. things were alright at first till i began to feel tired. i knew something was wrong when i was the only one panting and feeling like shit. i just tahan all the way till it was my turn to navigate. things got better while i was navigating because somehow i was focused on finding a way through and couldnt be bothered with how tired i was or how much in pain i was. i have to say i am quite impressed with myself (hey i was voted best navigator for the team ok? haha). i followed an almost non-existant trail for about 200m before i had to lead the team for a 1.5km jungle bashing excursion.

first, i had to back track to where we came from. once there, i had to follow this totally disused track, making conscious decisions to trust my "subliminal" judgement that this is the right way even though we had huge trees partially blocking our path. then at the point where we were suppose to start bashing, i'm met with a wall of tress and vines. somehow, i just made the plunge and in no time we were bashing through webs, ants nests, and spiked vines with nothing but my compass and wit. and i am proud to say that i managed to stay straight on "path" for 1km before we hit a bog. bleagh. then instead of getting dirty, wet and smelly, my sergeant instructed me to bring the team up north towards this main road. then we had to trek through belly high ferns (pitcher plants).

that was where i died. sort of. i said to my sergeant, "sergeant. i dont know how long i can tahan." then he immediately took over my pack and tasked me with navigating our way back to the last checkpoint. id est our rest point. i felt alright after resting and i felt perfectly fine during the night walk which was fortunately uneventful.

next day was when the real trouble began. we were on our own totally with no instructors with us. things were fine all the way till we had to find our 3rd checkpoint. we would have ran out of water if not for the resupply, and then we couldnt find our way. we had to walk to and fro this particular road for 3 times in total. all we got in the end was the confirmation that we had no where to go except base camp, cramps, and low, low low spirits. when we reached back camp, i suddenly felt damn shitty, like the day before, but about 2 times worse. so i put my pack down, but right after i did so, my whole upper body became numb and i was hyper ventilating slightly. i tried to control my breathing but the numbness spread and became more intense. my fingers curled and i lost control of my facial muscles. i had to breathe through an oxygen tank on top of administering ventolin to myself. thank god i was fine and could even continue with the night portion.

so, when i came back, i thought i was fine. but evidently, i wasnt. i had the same numbness thingy after doing just 15 chinups. like wtf. i rested and decided to report to the MO the next day. which i did. MO didnt really help much, just told me that he would give me medication to stabilise my asthma. i went to see my uncle the next bookout. and he diagnosed it as the result anxiety/stress problems. which i think could be true. so through out the whole of this week, i was trying to find the root cause of these stress/anxiety problems, and that i did. i was basically pressuring myself too much to perform well in the course, and worried too much about other's performance as compared to mine, which was a mistake i committed in pole vault before. and something else. well, anyway, i managed to come up with a plan to psycho myself. so i'm now waiting to see if it works.

i think it probably is, along with the help of the medication, because i felt much better this week. i could do all the training properly and stuff. but the thing is, the instructors ALL know about my condition, and they are really very extra careful with me. i will get, "jacob, are you ok"s from every instructor at least once everytime i do any physical training. (oh and yes people, i am taking steroids. hahaha sounds damn good to say that.)

but i tell you, i am jinxed. i am doomed to have a difficult time in this course. my small size already put me at a huge disadvantage, but all these random problems just seem to pop up from no where, i swear, which rhymes. just today, we had a 12km full pack fast march and i had shin pain. like DAMN pain. immobilising pain. and my buddy, junkai (if you're reading this, i swear i felt like killing you this morning. but it's ok now. i still love you.), refused to slow down for me. i said, "junkai, slow down leh. my shin is fucking pain." then he will slow down for a few steps, and when i catch up with him, he'll open up again. which is just demoralising la. then once in a while, he'll turn back and ask, "want to stop or not? want to rest and stretch or not?" and i say, "no. no. can you please slow down for me." and he either doesn't hear me, ignores me, or knows what i need but decides to go with his plan of chasing that 15min/rd target. i dont really know how to put it to him, because i don't really like to critique people i like, but sometimes he's not helpful. ok enough said.

ANYWAY. back to topic. i decided to stop and massage my shin. but then the encik suddenly came up from behind and thought that i was having some major problem. he actually wanted me to stop toally because he was afraid that it was some bone problem, but i know that it was not. i was actually going to accept it as my fate, but then he suddenly changed his mind. then yayy! when i first started walking, my legs suddenly felt like they were inexistant, cos they were so light. haha. i managed to complete the test and i passed it as did everyone else (but i was third last out of 64 people). but throughout the rest of the walk, everyone kept asking me if i was ok. :/ and i was throughout the rest of the walk, so yeah. i had to keep giving the thumbs up, the nod, and the "yeap". haha

77 more days to go

2011-04-22T21:08:00.001+08:00

the only other times i counted down was for O levels and A levels. i counted down to the end of these two eventsi n my life because of a few reasons. because they were particularly tough times and because i dreaded the time spent living in those times. i was stressed, felt lonely and basically wanted my life back. but this time, i'm counting down only because this is gonna be tough. real tough.

it has only been a week in training, and it is supposedly the slack week, but boy is it tiring. mon 3km run, tue 3km with SBO, wed 4km with SBO, and thurs got a rude awakening at 0330hrs to get whacked left right up down front back centre and then fast march for 8km with FBO then another 1.2km march with a fully laden stretcher inclusive of a march up a 200m slope.

tough as it was, difficult as it was, fun, it was. don't get me wrong. i didn't really enjoy myself during the abovementioned activities, but the week was still fun overall. i dont know, perhaps i'm crazy. which i think is probably the case. hahaha. anyway, as we were training to be leaders, we received training in the soft skills that a leader should have. for example, how we should be conducting ourselves with the SAF core values (loyalty to country, leadership, discipline, professionalism, fighting spirit, ethics, and care for soldiers) as guidelines, and how we may motivate ourselves and therefore others. erjie's boyfriend, guoxi, once mentioned that NS is not a waste of time because we spend our two years there not just to chiong sua (charge up the hill), but to attain soft skills that no one may teach. even all the tekan, saikang, and whatever shits given to us teach us lessons. just regimentation alone actually teaches us many things. stand by area, standing properly when queueing up, taking care of your equipment, looking after your equipment (especially your rifle), leave the lecture to wash up when you're sleepy, cover your mouth when you yawn, sitting up straight...... it can all be applied in real life. now, you may not see it, but just try to infer. i'm sure you will be able to. i like the way the SAF thinks. they send their SAFOS scholars to study in overseas universities not so that the technical knowledge will be directly useful to the SAF. rather, the ideologies, school of thought and perhaps culture that will be developed, will be useful to them. likewise, the technical knowledge we attain through training in NS doesn't help us at all (like who the fuck would need to know how to throw a grenade in real life), but it will indirectly help us in real life.

ok damn, i'm so preachy. anyway...

so thursday was a really good day for us. i have made a mistake. in my previous posts(shall change after this), i said that i was to report as an SCT. i was not an SCT till thursday morning, but a private. this is because we have yet to be initiated. so yup. thursday was our initiation and it was a huge event. we were supposed to be turned out, but somehow, the MO revealed to some people that there was to be, and somehow, we knew what time it was suppose to be. the instructors knew of it, but they couldnt do anything about it. we were frightened the whole of last week, wondering when it will be because we knew that there was going to be one, and many had sleepless nights. but i think we all slept quite soundly that night, knowing that they were coming for us at 0330hrs sharp, and that they did.

after being whacked till we were awake, then whacked again till we were sleepy/tired/fatigued, we headed off for an 8km fast march. yes, fast march. with FBO, we march so fast that we have to jog sometimes just to keep up. it was so damn tiring. but it was quite cool. because it was so early, all our clothes caught the morning dew which resulted in us being totally soaked to the skin by the end of the march. but it was sweet, sweet victory at the end of the march. we reached the top of the building, just before the sun rose and were presented our ranks of SCT and jungle hats as the sun rose. what a romantic event it was... sigh... so yup.

after that, we went to play with our compasses. it was really quite fun actually. the toughest part was when we had to navigate in the hot sun with a ground sheet covering us to simulate darkness. how tough? as tough as walking with your eyes close while trying to judge the distance you walk. yeah, that tough. cos that was what we did. so yeah, that tough. how about that, huh? hahah so, anyway, we booked out the earliest of everyone, so it was sort of a "neh neh ni boo boo" thing, which made us even happier. :D haha but we were so tired at the end of it. i decided to go home myself because i had no time to inform mama. and it managed to surprise them again. yayy!! haha

so anyway, i love CLSC right now because for the first time in my life, i'm being treated as a mature adult, albeit a young one. they place so much trust in us, to let us organise ourselves entirely. the only time they "kaypo-ed" is when they are conducting the lessons/briefs themselves. other than that, we basically run the camp ourselves. it feels so liberating and so invigorating, to be given so much trust and respect. it feels good. really good. and i believe that this is what will mould us to be great leaders. as they said, they wanted leaders who could not only take instructions, but formulate and give instructions as well. no more holding of hands, or even directing. well, at least minimal directiing i guess. i feel a great sense of satisfaction because i can finally feel like a grown-up. yes, yes, i know i'll live to regret ever growing up, and i'll think back and go, "oh, wouldnt it be nice if i were a kid? no worries like bills to pay or family to raise?" let's wait till then before i bitch about it, hopefully in this blog! haha

so anyway, before this week i was fucking afraid of CLSC. i stand uncorrected, i'm still fucking afraid because we were told right before we booked out that we can forget about sleeping well the next week, but i know that things will all work out and it's gonna be real fun for all of us. and i cant wait for next week cos then i can use all the stuff that i bought today! yes, i went SHOPPING!! hahah wa i tell you ah, NS really damn expensive. everytime i go to beach road to get stuff, i end up spending close to $100. or maybe less. :P but feels like it's so much all the time!! oh btw, i think i love my new det. much better than the one before. (sorry guys, but it's true)

ok anyway, cheerio. happy easter in advance!! i have guard duty then. :(

PVT Yao reporting for duty

2011-04-17T00:42:00.001+08:00

in about 20 hour's time, i shall no longer be civilian Yao, but PVT Yao. boohoo sucks. was enjoying my block leave. i managed to spend some quality time with my family, mainly mama. and i managed to watch the whole season one of big bang theory again. hahaha and i went cycling!!

omg it was so fun i tell you. i went cycling with erjie from east coast park all the way to pasir ris park. the fun part was the ride from east coast to changi. changi to pasir ris was just bleagh. we saw so many fun insects and animals and plants and stuff. wish i could go back... next time i'll skate there. mua haha. hmmm... what else did i do... i went for two tuina sessions in total. they were so freaking awesome. first one was the best. i had about four kinks in my spine and a kink in my neck, and the shifu cracked it out for me. IT FELT SO FAWESOME. and he helped me massaged my back muscles. it hurt like hell man. didn't know that they were so tight. then on the second session, he worked more on my neck. the muscle fibres there were so bunched up, i thought that he was massaging bone at first. it hurt like hell too. then he helped my crack my neck again. this time it was a chain of cracks, travelling from the skull down. previously it was a single stiff crack. gosh it felt so good.

sigh... moving on to one of the toughest part of NS... CSLC. i was told that it was one of the toughest course in NS, tougher than OCS, and believe me, i think it is. so i guess this should actually be the toughest part of NS regardless of whether or not i get into OCS. anywho... i'm really really really really really very scared. but i'm looking forward to it at the same time. i'm sure it's gonna be fun in it's own way. right? :/ bleagh. i think the best way is to take things with a smile. maybe not physically, but mentally. like smile in your mind even though your body doesnt allow you to. go, "heehee" or "haha" or something like that in your head. i find that it works. it takes my mind off the tough part, or rather, it makes me numb to the pain that the tough part is suppose to dish out. also, i find that concentrating on my breathing helps. like block out all of my own thoughts or the sounds from outside, and just focus on the sound of my breathing and concentrate on controlling my breathing. or i lie to myself. when i did swimmer stretches during the circuits, i told myself, "actually after a while there is this underlying after taste of a sweet sensation." and true enough, i really felt the sweet sensation in the very core of my muscle though the outer perimeter of the muscle group was sore like 100M hydrochloric acid which i think means 100 moles per cubic decimetre so yeah. oh look a four line long sentence. haven't done that in a while. haha. i must make sure that i do not give up, and that enough is never enough. i have this habit of doing just enough, or giving up when i can still go on. *grrrrr* i shall. mua haha.

oh and yes omg i went karaoke with my family today. haha quite fun. and (if you havent read my deleted post) clubbing SUCKS. i will never ever go clubbing ever again. it damages my ears, my mood, and wallet. i'll feel happier if i were to parachute. haha omg cant wait to parachute. :D and you know what else sucks? washing the terrapin's tank and filter. totally sucks. it's so tiring and somehow, i just get emo ALL the time. everytime i wash my tank, i emo. it's like rain and washing cars. wash your car and it'll rain. like washing of cars is the best rain dance. or you can put it as, if you want rain, wash your car. likewise, you want to be emo, wash your tank. hahahaha.

ok wish me good luck in my first week as PVT. i pray that i survive. i have been told that there will be a turn out on the second night, and when they turn us out, they can always make us march 12km. like wtf seriously?! sigh...

mood: fucking afraid

this end shall lead to a new beginning

2011-04-09T15:44:00.001+08:00

finally!! i am no longer a recruit!! i am as of now, PVT JJ YAO. i got into leaders course!! muahahaha!!! and the best thing is, my buddy got it too!! i really hope that we can stay as a buddy pair. it'll be so much more fun. if not, i hope that my new buddy is a nice guy. :D

i never knew that i could be any stronger than i was because my strength has been sort of stagnant for 3 years, from sec 4 to j2. but after just 2 months of training with the commandos, i have grown much stronger. my 2.4km timing has improved by leaps and bounds, for example. i attained a second CDO gold for another IPPT. and i can now do 15 chin ups with no kicks and perfect form. if i wanted, i think i could have done all the way to 20. maybe. haha. but the sad thing is that because they never train our jumps, my sbj has been dropping constantly... :( i have qualified for my airborne course, which means that i qualify to train parachuting. how fun!!?

i know that i am mentally tougher now. especially since the turning out in san yong kong. apparently turning out is damn common in leaders course. and leaders course is one of the most tough courses in the SAF, how about that eh? it's even tougher than OCS. so, if i'm able to pass this course with flying colours, it'll show how awesome i can be. mua ha.

hmmm... so anw, we had the 24km march yesterday. it was much easier than i thought. it got tiring only at the last stretch. but i think it's cos our field pack was much lighter than when we were in tekong, even though we walked a much much further distance. and it was lighter not really because we removed some things on our own (:P), but because we already surrendered the heavy weights which are the chungkols and ground sheets. and we didnt have to carry extra weight such as the sand, water, mud we soak up and rations. for once i could stand up straight with my field pack on my back haha. believe it or not, it was our load bearing vest that felt heavier.

anyway, the turning point of the route march started when the camp was within sight, and we were singing. i was leading the songs for the last stretch because somebody at the front suddenly asked my to lead. i started with "AIRBORNE", then "there's a place in changi point", then finally "training to be soldiers". i felt so proud to be a commando as i walked into the camp leading the song. the guards were all smiling at us, and as we walked past the barricade, to the parade square, with the words "uncommon people, uncommon place" and our formation sign towering over us, i felt a lump in a throat and tears welled up in my eyes.

POP was really fun. preparing for it was a chore though. it was so damn tiring because we had to repeat the routines over and over and over again from early afternoon till night at times. but the parade itself was to me, simply sensational. it starts with us marching from our secret hiding place onto the parade square. as we came into view of our families, everybody cheered and clapped and the cameras started flashing. looking at how neat our rows were, and how everyone was marching properly just as we rehearsed, i felt like crying again. haha. we marched beautifully and the ending was really good too. we executed all the commands without a glitch and with perfect timing, even without a timer. it was so cool i tell u. no bird droppings at all. just one sound. then there was the standard march pass (or is it march past?), then there was the warcry, which i think we did really well. aaaaand the classic throw cap in the air thingy. it was after the company warcry (which i didnt like. *shhh...*), and we initiated it with, "for honour and glory" *replies and throws cap in the air* "COMMANDO!!!". hahaha i watched where mine went, picked it up, and threw it in the air again. hahaha it felt damn liberating. yup. so that was the end of my life as a recruit.

next phase of training will be training to be a commando specialist. i am godamitkerfreakin scared. it is tougher than OCS, can you believe it? argh...

just to give an evaluation of what i now know about myself, i have a short fuse, i am physically strong because i am mentally tough, i listen to the second voice in my head more and more now (first voice in my head is my own voice), and finally, i am, and will always be, a ham bao. :(

this end shall lead to a new, wonderful beginning. though i made the decision with much regrets and reluctance, i really hope that this was a wise choice. i feel God's presence more than ever, ever since i enlisted, and i really hope that He is with me on this one.

IPPT CDO gold, bitches

2011-03-25T23:05:00.000+08:00

at the very beginning of the test, everything seemed unattainable because we have been told to expect for our results to dip after field camp. in reality, then only results that dipped were my SBJ and my sit ups.

damn disappointed with my SBJ la pls... from 270 drop to 260 like wtf right? :( sit ups also dunno wat happened. from 60 drop to 56. which is a lot if you dont know. chin up maintain at 15 which i just realised is a very big yay cos i usually ache for a thousand years after i do 15!! yayy!! hahaha then... shuttle run i improved from 9.5 to 9.2 which is also a lot if you dont know. considering that i was not feeling well the previous test, and that i did this test after field camp, i think the static stations are ALRIGHT.

but here comes the fawesome possum part.

I RAN MY 2.4km IN 9.11s!!!

that is a ker-freakin' personal best!! and it is after field camp!! wargh!!!! i'm so happy!! hahaha i ran a 10.01 the other time, so this means that i shaved a total of 50s off my timing. no mean feat ok?

so in the end, i got my commando standard gold for my ippt and guess wat? i'm the only one in my det to achieve that!! (for now. guys, buck up ah) proud of me nort? yes, i know. mua hahaha

then today was the iron soldier challenge. didnt really matter to me, but i just did my best (whenever i felt like it. haha i was walking part of the way cos really damn shagged from ippt the day before la). and i'm my det iron soldier!! yay!!! hahah but guess wat? i'm the company's worse det iron soldier. so booyasucks for me. hahaha but whatevs.

omg my blog is dying. feels like j1 all over. this feeling sucks you know? i wanna document this part of my life, but i dont think i am able to. at least we write journals now. i dont know if we are going to afte BMT. i think i will. i realise that we miss every friday because we bookout on fridays usually. but oh wells, what to do. SUCK THUMB UNDERSTAND NORT? JUST TOO BAD UNDERSTAND NORT?

i hope that i get into leader's course. i think i have a good chance. :D we shall see.

exhausted

2011-03-13T16:19:00.001+08:00

i am really really really very exhausted now. we had the ultimate det challenge on friday morning, and then without proper rest, i had to do guard duty all the way till 0730 with a few short breaks in between.

UDC was a disappointment. thought that we could grow stronger as a team, but all we got was a barrage of weaknesses revealed, including mine. if we didnt have a strategy and stuck to it, i don't think our "team dynamics" would have helped to get us to 6th position. we weren't encouraging each other, but were instead doing our own thing, be it not being with the group, or demanding that things go "my" way. i belonged to the latter group and was also being all angsty and pissy. not a good experience at all. the pain was not really worth it, now tht i'm thinking about it.

we were all very exhausted after the event, but luckily the instructors left us alone and we could basically just bum about while they prepared for field camp.

guard duty was a fun and interesting experience. managed to have a great long chat with my buddy and grow closer with some of the platoon mates. haha "warriors of the night, assemble. SHHHH!!"

i applied for both unis already. mechanical then civil for both. but i'm having a very big problem now. i dont know which uni i should go to. i used to think that ntu was better. but thinking really really hard, i think nus could be better. simply cos it is harder to get into it. i just hope that god helps me choose. :( please wish me luck ok? haha

omg field camp for 7 days... ggxx la. bmtc have 6 days and only 4 days in jungle. we have 7 days in jungle. but one good thing is that we don't have to dig a shell scrape if i'm not wrong. mua hahaha. i think it's because commandos are rarely under artillery fire since we're behind enemy lines. and we dont really have to wear helmets!! we just wear the jungle hats most of the time and we'll wear our helmets when we're 1km away from the target. omg my ilbv is so damn smelly... i'm gonna dry clean it when i'm dotn with field camp. i think my helmet stinks too. not sure if i can wash it or not. bleagh....

ok bye go shit now

eggs

2011-03-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

mua haha... mua hahaha! mua hahahaha!!!

2011-03-06T00:29:00.001+08:00

i am a straight B student with one stupid D for my h1 econs. i think it's good enough for me to get into mechanical engineering in NTU. :D i hope. but apparently since they only see 3 h2 n 1 h1 subject, my best h1 is an A for pw, so my results are BBB/A or something like that la. in any case, i think i can get in to that course because the 10th percentile last year was BCC/B if i'm not wrong. even if mine was BBB/B i'll still be able to get in. i hope.

i prayed on the night before, and i asked for me to have results that were enough to get into mechanical engineering. when i saw my results, i was like, "oh, ok." the significance of my results have yet to sink in, till i saw mama. i just started smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. then i suddenly thought, "my prayers were answered." then when i went over to mama and i hugged her and i cried. no i bawled. hahaha. then mama said, "jake, how much did you get? don't scare me. come tell mama. stop crying, you're in uniform." haha

the only disappointment i have in my results is that i got a B for physics. i was hoping for an A, but oh wells. good enough i guess. but looking at my other subjects right, i think it's a give and take thingy, like for my O levels. but i think i got the most awesome deal ever cos i "paid" much much much much less than what i got.

for As, i got:
GP: B
Physics: B
Chemistry: B
Math: B
Econs(H1): D

but for prelims, i got:

GP: E
Physics: B
Chemistry: E
Math: U
Econs(H2): U

i dont give a shit about what they say, that rj paper is more difficult than a levels or whatever, because the school told me that, oh no, it's very easy already, it's the same standard as a levels, a levels sometimes more difficult n all that crap. i dont know which side is lying to me. because that is what people say abt cat high too. so like, how much "difficult" is which paper? cant really tell right? i think that if they just told us the truth, which i know they know, and they know that i know that they know, which now means that i know that they know that i know that they know, but doesn't mean that they know that i know that they know that i know that they know, then i might very well just do better. because i know what to expect, which will help me be mentally prepared and exams are nothing but a mental battle.

anyways, i have this file with all my documents, like past year results n stuff. so, i was reading my testimonials, from cat high and stuff. it's really quite cool because it's sort of like a review of me through the perspective of my teachers. the rj one was damn powerful i tell u. when i first read it, i felt like giving a war cry. hahah it just feels damn awesome somehow. i'll go like, "huh? really? am i that zai?" hahaha same for the cat high one.

AND BIG NEWS BIG NEWS!!!

TOM LAID EGGS!!!

it happened when i was away in camp. no one managed to witness the event, but she laid 2 eggs at one go, before laying the last 2 after about two days later. haha apparently when mama saw the eggs, she thought, "maybe jacob will get the same score for all his results." which sorta was true! haha cool right? :P they look like giant jelly beans and i am really really amazed that it can fit inside her body. damn cool. the egg shells, like sea turtes' and crocs', are soft and leathery, not hard n brittle like chicken eggs. i dont know if they're fertilised or not, but even if they were, i do not have the equipment, the time, nor the ability to have more terrapins. especially baby terrapins. so i decided to throw them away. i wrapped them up in a plastic bag, n threw it down the chute. but i said, "bye bye eggies." before i shut the trap door. hahaha shall post the pictures soon.

bring me to the test, but do lead me out of it

2011-02-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

i almost actually settled for "2nd bookout!!" as the title of this post, but NO. so damn boring please.

this post is titled so because the following week is going to be extra tough.

1) i'm going to collect my A level results next week
2) i'm going to have a shooting test. failing the test will cause me to fail BMT.
3) i'm injured. which means i cant train properly
4) i'm going to have to remain in camp for some saturdays for remedial training because i missed my IPPT because i'm injured

so sad la please. so many hurdles to clear. :(

haha i forgot to post about something last week!! i surprised my family when i booked-out last week. they released us at 1100, though they told us they were going to release us at 1300. i knew abt it before they announced cos somebody knew abt it somehow and told us. haha. but i told my family that they will let us off at only 1400. the plan was to go home myself, instead of them coming to fetch me, so i can surprise them. by the time i reached the mrt station, it was already 1130. so in order to buy more time, i smsed my mum and said tht they will let us off only at 3 because our bunks were dirty so they made us stay back to clean it up. hahah smart right? so anw, the plan worked almost perfectly. i managed to surprise them, but they sort of knew about it, but werent too sure because my mum talked to her friend whose son was in the same platoon as i was. so he was already with his mum, while i wasnt and my mum was a little suspicious about it. hahaha. but in any case, it was mission accomplished. :D

tmr we will be having a meet the parents' session kind of thing. so cool right? haha we've been writing journals all this while and tmr mama will be reading my journel. :P i wrote some things which may be considered objectionable if you misunderstand it, which the OC did!! and of all the 16 decs in my company, he chose mine to read!! argh!! hahaha but i dont think it's a problem la. as in seriously. the way i wanted to express myself was not meant to be vulgar or anything, so i dont mind even if the prime minister read it or something. it's just an expression. and hint, i said sexual orgasm. hahaha

first post as a recruit

2011-02-20T18:37:00.001+08:00

army training has been fun, challenging, tiring. i've learnt many things, about things, about people and about myself. i really cannot wait for me to become a better person. and with army training, i believe i can.

i'm bookingi n in about 3 more hours, and i'm kinda sad, cos i miss being a civilian, even if it meant bumming about 24hrs a day. hahaha. but i'm excited at the same time. everyday is a different day, with different things to look forward to. i feel myself getting stronger already, with just 2 weeks of training. oh and i've lost about 2kg! i bet i lost more than 2kg of fats, but i gained some muscle mass. so yayy!!

there were a few memorable events tht happened over this week. when we received our unit badge, and in during the morning PT of book-out day. it was a really tough training, and i did my best (almost), but didnt push myself quite as hard. so i was, in the very very extreme back of my head, very extremely slightly disappointed with myself. then our instructor told us to look at our insignia (if tht was wat it was called) and he asked, "do you want to be part of this family?!" and other stuff. it just struck me there n then, how much i wanted it. a lump grew in my throat and a single drop of tear formed in each of my eye. i felt so empowered then. it just made me want to go, "UGH!!!!!!" like make a war cry or something. haha

i'm going to have an IPPT test thsi coming thursday. hope i can get commando gold. i only have my 2.4km run to worry about now. :P wish me luck please!!!

oh and when i was away, i missed coon, and my music the most. :( i kept craving for all my favourite songs, especially too much love will kill you. and i miss coon's smell and hugging her. :(

last post as a civilian

2011-02-06T11:59:00.001+08:00

if you read my past few posts, you can obviously tell that i was damn excited about NS. but today, when i was helping mama prepare my "farewell" dinner, i got some mixed feelings.

at first the thought of having to enlist tomorrow was damn exciting because i have been awaiting this day even before A levels started. but then i suddenly became damn scared. scared, i'm not really sure why. but probably because of all the uncertainties of NS. since i don't know anything about what commando training is going to be like. and i'm not close to anyone who knows what commando training is like and i'm just getting dibs and drabs. (am i spelling it right?) but then after awhile, i realise that i'm not only excited and scared, but i'm also sad. now, i know why i'm sad.

i'm sad because i can't see coon nor the terrapins no anymore. can't carry her and say, "aww... i love you too." when obviously she's meowing cos she's annoyed that i carried her. can't stare at her sleeping from a distance. can't go up to her to smell her smell, all the different smells that she has on the different parts of her body (paws, head, chest, cheeks, tummy, belly, butt, shoulder, et cetera.) can't charge at her to make her run away from me just for fun. can't let her scratch me, or smell her stinky saliva after she bites me... :( then there is also the terrapins. i cant walk in to the house and say, "hi gui gui!!!" or leave the house and say, "bye gui gui!!!" i can't put my hand into the tank to play with them. i can't carry tuck and bring him around the house. i can't spend hours on end cleaning their tank and see them enjoy the clean tank. ok wait, i can. and i must one day!! hahaha. ok la. oh and of course. i see my family. but whatever.

hahahah kidding la. will miss them too. :( i love family dinners. sigh... today's dinner was so freaking awesome. the food was amazing, but there was simply too much as usual. there was so much leftovers!! we could feed another family of 12 i swear. there was lotus soup, pig trotters in plum sauce, grilled prime pork ribs, stir-fried watercress, steamed tilapia, aaaaaaaand braised sea cucumber, mushroom scallop, fish maw, and kailan. oh and there was lou hei, and for desert we had tang yuan. i was so full i tell you. my favourite dish was the soup. haha then after dinner we gambled. it was damn fun! but only cos i won damn hell a lot of money!

we played blackjack and this game called "in-between". so the idea of the game is you get 2 cards placed in front of you. you have to guess if the third card is going to be a number tht is in between these 2 numbers. everyone first puts a set amount of money in a "pot". when it's your turn, you bet how much you want but obviously not above the amount in the pot. you can always choose to skip if you want, but if two cards of the same number show up then obviously you cant win. if you win, you win what you bet. if not you pay what you bet. but if the third card just nice is the same number as the 1st or 2nd number, then you have to pay double of what you bet. ok so anw, i started out with $48. and then in the end , i won a total of at least $120. it was freaking awesome. hahah but i split some of my winnings with my siblings although this charitable event wasnt initiated by me. hahaha. but anw, i took away about $54 in winnings at the end of the day. mua hahahahah. omg i cant believe i spend the last few moments of my time with my family gambling... hahahaha but anyway, i'm so happy!! every one's going to see me off tmr!! not like last time when i went overseas for competition. :( not everybody came. oh but at least almost all of them went to watch me compete in nationals in 2011. :D

hmmm... i just went to search for the patron saint of soldiers and many saints popped up. there was St. George, St. Joan of Ark, St. Maurice, St. Sebastian and St. Martin of Tours. there are so many!! haha. talk about spoilt for choice. oh oh oh!! and St. Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes!! that is freaking awesome!!

but the one with the most significance to me right now is the patron saint of paratroopers since commandos are paratroopers. he is Michael the Archangel. how freaking cool is that?!?! and this is a prayer that can be made through him for protection against evil (it was penned by Pope Leo XIII in 1884 immediately after being allowed by God to hear a conversation between God and Satan. how freaking cool is that?!?! i always wonder why such wonders always happen before our time...): [play on punctuation intended hahaha]

Great Archangel Michael, defend us in the day of battle, be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke our enemies, we humbly pray; and do you, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into Hell Satan and all other evil spirits who prowl through the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

it's such a powerful prayer. makes me just wanna go, "URGH!!!" at the top of my lungs. hahaha

ok readers of my blog, who ever you may be, so long, farewell. the next time i blog, i'll be a cao recruit. hahahaha

how terrapins see underwater

2011-02-05T01:16:00.000+08:00

these two theories are quite very extremely plausible, not confirmed, but definitely not busted. (i think the latter is more plausible though.)

we are unable to see under water because the refractive index of water differs from that of air. so the lens of our eyes are not able to focus light properly when we are in water since the lenses in our eyes are designed to focus only light seen through the medium of air. terrapins' eyes are also the same in the sense that it's "default mode" is for use on land.

theory 1:
do u ever notice how the pressure in your head builds up when you dive deep into a pool? i think our body pressure rises the deeper you go. it only makes sense since water pressure equals to density of water multiplied by acceleration due to gravity multiplied by the depth of water and also because our body is 70% water. hence, the deeper we go, the higher the pressure in our body. this happens to terrapins too, though i don't know how much of their body is made up of water. so i'm not sure to much of an extent do they experience what we experience.

anyway, this build up of pressure in their body would basically force bodily fluids through "sacs" around their eyelids. this would in turn bend the lenses in their eyes, such that they are able to focus light seen through the medium of water. my guess is that the "sacs" are relatively rigid so that it doesn't matter how deep they go, the swell in their eyes should not cause the lens to bend too much. or perhaps, the lenses have a higher tolerance against bending the higher the pressure exerted on it, so it doesn't bent too much the deeper it goes.

theory 2:
this is a spin-off of theory 1. working on the same concept that fluids filling the "sacs" round its eyes to bend the lens so that it is able to focus on light seen through the medium of water, instead of something as static as having the fluids filling the "sacs", and thereby bending the lens, only when under the influence of something from the external, i think something more dynamic is happening since god is so freaking awesome and he can do whatever he wants. my guess is that the terrapin is able to subconsciously/consciously adjust how much the lens is bent, much like how we are able to control our breathing or the strength of our grip. or if you want to think of it mechanically, the sacs are taps with a tank and drainage system of some sorts. hahaha

this is definitely better for the terrapin because it is able to adjust according to the changes of it's bodily pressure(regardless of whether it is caused by internal or external factors), as well as the conditions of the water since the refractive index of water changes accordingly.

oh! and also, their eyes will tilt. i think the mechanisms that causes them to do so may also be explained by theories 1 and 2.

this causes tuck to have what i call the spectacle look, which i actually realise all three of them have! they are so freaking cute i tell you! but tuck looks the cutest somehow. like some small school boy with cute round specs hahaha!!

ok, i just went online to check why we cannot see in water. our lens (made up of the cornea, humours [haha], and crystalline lens) is unable to focus in water because it has a refractive index almost equal to that of water. which is 1.33 mua hahah i still remember. which nullifies the focusing abilities of the lens (how, i dont know). what happens is that the image will be formed virtually (btw, i pray that you studied O level physics) behind the eyeballs which is in fact longsighted-ness. id est, hyperopia. with this idea, this also means that someone who is EXTREMELY shortsighted will be able to see clearly in water because the light would be able to focus properly. yayy!!

perhaps someone has already scientifically proven how terrapins (or any other semi-aquatic/amphibious creature) see underwater, or no one has. but if ever you find anything pertaining to this topic, please do tell me.

thankiu you, people.

新年快乐!!!

2011-02-04T14:54:00.001+08:00

CNY was kinda awesome this year. :) did the usual thing, go to mahmah's house first and as usual play computer. hahah this year, i only didnt get ang pow from dua gou. haha tht usually happens to me cos i'll be too busy playing the computer. i think there was one year i missed out 2 ang pows. anw, we went to the columbarium, then to lao zeck's house n we gambled there! i think i won about $4 or $6? then we went home, had steamboat n it was blackjack again. haha i won $4 this time. i will sometimes win $10, but i'll lose it all, then i'll win big again. so i'll just keep switching. but damn, i'm craving to play daidi now.

hmmm... enlisting in 3 more days!!! n i'm finally done packing everything i need. oh wait except my handphone. shall charge the phone n keep it. like right now. ok done. really looking forward to NS manzzzzz... wish it could come now. i've got nothing on for the next few days except for family dinner on sunday. and damn i really hope julian can come n play with me. :( if not not more chance till another year at least? waaaa....

ok bye gonna play L4D before i cant. mua hahahaha byeee

btw, i'm very very very sad that i'm finishing my bounty chocolates. :((( i have two left, just nice for one today and tmr before i enlist. which means i have to ration it!!! wargh... someone buy a giant pack for me please? i want those with big bars. the small bite size ones not shiok enough. i want a lot a lot of it. please? please? please? ok thanks!!

oh and actually, i played warcraft 3 the frozen throne campaign instead. it is so freaking fun i tell you!!

kayak and other stuff

2011-02-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

omg i cant believe i didnt get certified one-star. but not cos i'm noob or anything, but cos of the freaking weather. :(

the first day was fine, though a little frustrating. cos i couldnt travel straight. i'll keep pivoting and go off course. but i could execute the sweep stroke quite well. haha but i couldnt believe tht i was the first to capsize (besides the capsize drill la duh...). we were breaking raft n then i just capsized. i think it was cos the guy beside me pushed me aside, which made me tilt. hmm... what else... oh we could only learn how to paddle sideways on land. so we havent tried it on the kayak yet. then it started raining very heavily n we had to leave. bleagh

on the second day!!! omg i tell you damn pissed la. they had to postpone the thing to another day (13th feb) which i cant go. so i cant be certified. i gotta come back another day when i book out. then i probably gotta book in once i'm done with the thing. bleagh. sian diao.... sigh... anw, we drilled how to perform a 2 person rescue. n tht was it. it was thoroughly boring. bleagh...

haha ok anw, tuan yuan fan tmr!! then it's CNY. then it's NS. hahaha ok i cant wait. hmmm... gonna trim my hair tmr to look nicer for CNY. i really hope tht ppl would just shut up abt my hair. it's seriously damn annoying i tell you. argh. for CNY, i hope it's fun this year. hahaha. oh n for my farewell dinner this coming sunday, i already take orders from mama. but quite sad la. cannot have some of the things i wanted. but it's only minimal. n it's quite scary to go to the market n see tht all the vegetables looks like crap. but it's cos of the rain, plus the high demand. the rain makes the veggies soft n slightly rotten, n the high demand for them makes watever tht is left to be damn damn damn damn lousy, the lousy of the lousy. can you imagine if tht is what we have to live with in the future? it's damn freaking scary leh. n plus next time it's gonna be damn expensive. so u get shit for damn high a price.

hmmm... i'm not boasting or anything but actually i think i'm quite confidant of getting into OCS, even if it means i have to compete with the commandos. cos OCS is not all abt being physically fit. i know i have tht/will have tht, though probably not the best one of them. it's abt being able to lead, n i think i can do quite a good job abt it. n plus i think i'm quite smart in most aspects except for acadamics. haha. ok omg i seriously cannot wait to start NS now. mua hahahaha.... 6 more days...

target for NS: get the red berret and stilletto, get the sword, get the badge with the intertwined rifles.

tom, please be ok

2011-01-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

btw, the origin of the word "OK" is really funny. it first appeared in some newspaper article, somewhere, at some point in time. n at tht point in time, it was popular to abbreviate things, but with the wrong letters. so "OK", was actually meant to be the abbreviated form of "OK" which by right should be abbreviated by AR, but some smartass decided to use OK. n it just stuck from then on. if you dont believe me, u're a dumbass. so tht means ok should be spelt as O.K. n not ok, or okay, or OK, or OKAY. but O.K.

anw... :( tom fell from the tank!!! she climbed up n out n fell abt 1.5m from the top of the tank. sobs sobs sobs... but good thing is, she seems fine. n if after so long she's looks fine, she probably is fine. but she isnt without her battle scars. she has a part of her shell bent n broken, but not torn off. so tht bit is bent upward in a 90 degree angle. so, to prevent them from crawling out in the future, i have built the cover for the tank i always thought i should have built. haha it was so awesome i tell u. i took like 2 hours to build it.

woo!! today was quite fun. gymmed with charlton, then we played unreal tournament. haha yayy!! he loved it so much, he went to buy it. haha. :D ok i'm going to kayak soon... like in 9 more hours or something. n i realise tht i have another philisophy which i live by. it's (n this time it's not in chinese haha), respect is earned and never given no matter who the fuck you are. yes, no matter who the fuck you are. not even the king of i dont give a shit abt everything tht is going on around me.

thinking lalalalala

2011-01-28T02:01:00.000+08:00

mau haha omg today was super fun. charlton n i wanted to go to cat high to spring a surprise on james since that BITCH didnt reply any of out smses to go out with us today. hahaha ok kidding james. we still love you...

alrighty so anw, it was quite cool. charlton n i went to the primary sch canteen to have breakfast, then right after i got my food, i turned, n i saw james n jon cher there!! wat a coincidence!! it was damn cool la!!! ok so anw after breakfast we went to sit in james class. hahah it was damn fun. haha we did lots of shit but we didnt exactly disrupt the class. not really la. hahaha ok anw, then after tht we were just walking arnd sch saying hi to teachers n all. it's quite cool u know? apparently mr heng (hod of eng n our eng teacher in sec 4) feels that our year was the year with the highest english standard so far. so he uses our essays to teach our juniors. cool sia... not my essay la! probably not since i was so noob, but jon cher's! like wow!! hahah

ok so after sch we went to play LAN, which was my second time playing LAN. it was damn fun!! we played L4D2, n charlton n i play on one team against jon n james in infected versus humans. hahah we won them, then we played campaign tgt. it was damn fun la!! we played for 2.5hrs before we left then james n jon left n charlton n i played time crisis 3. hahah then nita reached the bus stop while we were playing, so we couldnt go find him n he had to find his way himself. hahahah it was damn fun to like just talk shit. sigh i realise tht u know, it's actually more fun with friends around. yeah i know stupid right? but should be like a small group like at least 3 or 4 i guess. only 2 a bit gay. hahah. damn. ok anw, we played pool n wii till i had to leave. for pool right, nita was totally owning charlton n my ass. so we gang banged him hahah then he was quite sad, but he only lost out by a few balls la. argh!! omg today was so fun.

hmmmm.. n i was thinking abt going to relief teach in a girls sch, as opposed to going back to cat high. cos u know i already know how a boy sch is like. n i know how it is going to be like, which is boys get more n more n more naughty n mei jia jiao.so rather than having to tolerate such shit, i though of going to teach physics or math in an all girls' school like maybe st nicks. to see how a girls' sch is like. jon cher said tht maybe i should come back to cat high, cos i can be more casual cos it's after all a boy's sch n we can do more shit n stuff. but i was thinking, if i went to a girls' sch, i will have to be more aware of wat i say n wat i do, which is wat the adult society calls for. so maybe instead of me carrying on being some zhang bu da de xiao nan hai, maybe i could take tht chance to man up of some sort? haha but mama also say tht maybe they wont want a boy to be teaching in an all girls' sch cos they are afraid of like the girls falling for me or something. which sounds kinfda absurd but absolutely possible. haha oh none of the reasons y i wanna go to a girls sch to teach is also cos i know tht i will be more appreciated than in cat high. looking at all the boys now, they really dont give a shit abt wat james do, n have no respect for him. but at least the class i was in was quite well behaved so, lucky him i say. oh n i was just wondering, maybe if i go to st nicks, they will have pole vault right? then maybe i can go back then to jump cos i think coach will be coaching st nicks. then i can give my secret weapons hahah.

so... damn i have more things on my mind but it just slipped... argh. oh right rmb now. hmm... i think i've maybe been too cynical about people in general. in the sense tht i think tht ppl will not forgive me for the wrong things i did and tht they will rmb all the wrong things i did. i think it could be cos of my upbringing, like the environment i was in, n it could be cos i dont forgot n i dont exactly forgive myself when i do wrong things, so i assume tht tht is the case for others (not tht i'll rmb all the wrong things ppl do). but i now realise tht tht is not the case. like, ppl r quite da fang. so now i'm not as obsessed as i was in trying to not make mistakes or trying to cover them up when i am wrong. instead, i am more ready to just accept the fact tht i am wrong n learn frm my mistakes. i like wat LKY says, tht mistakes r mistakes n not regrets. decisions, actions made at tht point of time with the knowledge n expertise u have at tht time tht turn out wrong. so knowing tht u did something wrong means tht now u have new knowledge n expertise to not do the wrong thing another time. yup. it makes me feel good to know tht i have been n will be growing. both physically n mentally n hopefully spiritually. it makes me excited to carry on with life. no in fact, it makes me want to chiong. not rush, but chiong. like to live life to the fullest, something like tht. haha

hmm... going into ns soon. wa i feel damn sian la. like y must ppl judge me just cos i'm not showing the "normal" reaction guys have of ns. y cant i be enthu? it's freaking commando leh!! how fun la! they dont seem to believe tht i wear my army specs now cos my frameless one is spoilt, n i shave my head cos i have a freaking sensitive scalp tht sheds dandruff like it's free. ok yeah it's free, but shut up, u know wat i mean. wat's wrong with being prepared? it's gonna be tough, so i ready myself la. i train, lose some weight, gain some muscles, n be mentally prepared by getting my scalp ready n buying the specs first, n reading up on things, n listening to stories. in the past, i was enthu abt ns cos i genuinely intend to train to protect my country. cos my mentality was, we train for tht small possibilty tht we are invaded by whoever. tht we train for the very purpose tht the army was created for, to defend our country with our own abilities without having to depend on others. but after reading LKY's new book, i am even more convinced tht we need a strong deterent against possible threats. n yes i have been brainwashed by tht government, however u stupid ppl want to think. dumbasses. open ur big eyes man. i never knew our water threat was so huge till i read the book. do u know we almost went to war with msia cos of water? do u know tht without newater, we would have been dead by now? as in literally, now in the year of 2011. possibly even today on the 28th of feb 2011. we would have to be rationing water in the beginning of 2010 i reckon. why arent we learning all of these things in national education?! it's so important!!!

oh right n one last thing, i think my main two philosophies in life is, 讲钱伤感情, n 无论何事,不想做就别做,想做就要好好地,完完整整地做下去.ok random i know. just thought of it in the shower. haha. the learned former from mr goh yong hang. totally love him man. oh n mr goh kee yong too. wa i tell u. after the left cat high, sports class just went dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn allll the way. sigh. so sad. but ah yeah wat to do. :(

ok la goodnight ppl. byeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha my post abt making webbed hands damn funny right? i know la. hahahahhaha

woohoo!! back to eating normally!!

2011-01-26T22:21:00.000+08:00

i had my stitches removed yesterday, n the feeling of the detist pulling on the stitches, then snipping them off was so liberating. i felt so free after tht, i could speak normally, i could finally open my mouth as wide as i want, n eat all i want, n brush my teeth properly. haha but then right, i'm getting a sore throat n ulcer from all tht junk eating at night. heh heh... :P

oh i bought LKY's new book about 3 days ago, n i just finished it! it is so damn interesting!! i think every singaporean should read it.(i would say more about the book if my linguistic abilities allowed me haha so sorry, u gotta go read it to know how awesome it is.)

n omg CNY is coming. i cant wait, cos i wanna wear all my new clothes n get all the ang pows, but then it also means that i'm gonna enlist!! it's so scary!! argh!!! ok for once i'm not cheong hei i think. haha

guide to swimming faster

2011-01-24T01:51:00.000+08:00

tired of not being able to swim even if your life depended on it? well, wait no longer!

think ducks, frogs, crocodiles, terrapins, labradors. what do they have in common? they are awesome swimmers. what do they have in common? WEBBED LIMBS

today, i will share with you the secret of how you can be an awesome swimmer. today, i will share with you the secret of how you can make your own hands, and in principle, anything, webbed. today, you no longer have to worry that you will not be able to swim even if you life depended on it.

(caution: no one has ever been dumb enough to carry out this procedure. however, my superior intelligence is enough testament that this will work. just trust me, alright?)

first, you'll need these 5 simple things

1) sandpaper of the largest, roughest grain
2) bandages
3) medical tape
4) bag of blood
5) pressurised container

follow these steps very carefully n in no time, you will be outswimming phelps.

1) sand the sides of your fingers until it doesnt hurt anymore. this will ensure that your nerve endings have all been shaved down. or you may just sand till you pass out, which ever comes first. if you passed out, continue with the procedure once you're concious. remember, more is more in this case. also, you may see some bone. this is normal.

2) it is recommended that you sand adjacent sides of only two particular fingers at one time. if you read this after sanding all the sides, then forget it. proceed to step 3.

3) use the bandage to wrap the two fingers together firmly, such that the wounds touch each other completely. (following section of step 2 is optional but highly recommended) have the pack of blood ready in a pressurised container (preferably of pressure equal to, if not slightly higher than, your own blood pressure), then place your hand in the container so that osmosis will take place and you will not lose any blood. tip: any type of blood ( eg pig, chicken, fish, unicorn, horseshoe crab which has blue blood so it's freaking awesome) is fine, although human blood of your same type would be best. remove hand when the whole pot of blood clots. then you'll know that you have stopped bleeding.

4) let wounds heal. over time, flesh will start to grow, damaged blood vessels, capillaries, and nerve endings from the two different fingers will join, and a seamless bond of skin will form between the two fingers eventually. try not to change the dressing unless you have really nothing else better to do.

5) repeat steps till all fingers are joint together. stretch the layer of skin between the fingers regularly in order to make web bigger. this is so that you may to regain dexterity of fingers, as well as to maximise the capabilities of your webbed hand.

6) voila!!! you are now a proud owner of your very own webbed hands! go to your local swimming pool to test them out now!

in principle, you may carry out this procedure so that you may have webbed feet so that you may swim even faster, or even webbed pits so that you may be your own sugar glider which is illegal in singapore. if you want to go to the extreme, you may even make yourself like a bat, with webbed hands, feet, pits and groin.

HAHAHAHA.

static. gotta love it.

2011-01-21T23:29:00.000+08:00

i dunno y, but i get charged up very easily these few days. the only other time i rmb this happening was when i was playing the ps2 in toa payoh with julian. our controllers was vibrating, so i guess tht's how we got charged, n our elbows touched. it hurt REAL bad and there was even a bright blue spark and a really loud "tiak" sound.

it all started in thailand. i suspected tht it was cos of my vibrams, but looking at how i've not worn my vibrams for so long, tht doesnt seem like a possibility now. in thailand, i would shuffle my feet for a while before zapping erjie with my finger tips. hahah it was fun then. but not so fun now. :( i was walking through cold storage n whenever my elbows touched mama or erjie's elbow, i'ld feel the charge flow through. n it hurt. then we went to the fridge to get the haagen daz ice cream WHICH IS DAMN YUMMY n when i touched the fridge door, i got electrocuted. like u know the feeling when u touch the sockets with your wet hands? yeah. i could feel it going up my triceps. damn weird. hope it goes away, cos it really sucks. can u imagine being sentence to death but electric chair? ouch.

alrighty. so anw, i'm practically a person who chews on his left side indefinitely. i can eat everything now. but u gotta cut up my cai fan liao into small small pieces if not i'll eat damn slowly. hahaha oh n i just brushed my teeth tonight. feels weird... hahahah damn i cant wait for the stitches to be out on tuesday. then i'll be free to do watever i want. oh n u know i keep eating all the junk food? like a few nights ago it was milo bar, n bounty coconut chocolates? today it was twisties, potato chips, bounty coconut chocolates, haagen daz ice cream caramel and biscuit cream, bunderberg root beer. and some other shit. damn i'm gonna gain back all the fat i lost.

n sobs, i'm gonna miss erjie's 21st birthday party. bet it'ld have been so awesome planning it for her. like for cherie's party. :( oh n i have this stupid conspiracy theory tht they placed my cousin, dominic, n i in commando cos they want to do some experiment with like cousins or brothers. like put them in the same fire team or watever u call it, n see if it's a more efficient team or not. i'm just talking shit hahahaha. ok anw, i hope i can get into OCS. tht'ld be my dream man. to be a commando officer. tht would be so freaking awesome in my curriculum vidae. haha oh oh oh!!! i wanna be a ranger too! tht would be so freaking awesome too. hardcore dao... ranger commando officer. muahahahahaha

yayy!!! CNY is coming!!! ang pow ang pow ang pow. POW POW!!!

tooth fairy no come visit...

2011-01-21T02:15:00.000+08:00

i havent brushed my teeth in three days, n i SERIOUSLY feel like i should continue to do so till the day i enlist. which is 17 days from now. like, SERIOUSLY. not.

so anw, it's been about 3 days since i extracted my teeth, n as i expected, the first day was TERRIBLE. but then things were alright after. it wasnt so painful cos of all the painkillers. 1g of paracetamol and 16mg of codeine every 8 hours. gives me the buzzzzzzzzzzz baby. hahahah i think i'ld just die without the pain killers. haha i was just wondering while sitting in the car, "i wonder when is it tht i'll have to take morphine" tht would be so totaly cool. mama took morphine before. but it super duper diluted. like 4mg per litre if i remember correctly.

anw, i could eat perfectly fine today. in fact, i had rice for lunch, n grilled fish for dinner. they were all so yummy. but i've been binging on bounty coconut chocolates. yummy.... in fact, i've gobbled 5 in the past hour or so. hahaha pig, yeah i know. but they are so goooooood. just hope none gets stuck in my mouth. shall go gurgle my mouth later.

alrighty, other than me not beign able to fulfill my cravings for sour cream n onion chips, the wisdom teeth extraction hasnt given me much discomfort. oh right n of course the soreness/pain. but tht's bearable.

n i realise something. when i watch like let's say a show which i really like, i tend to imitate the characters. like when i watched blackadder, i would imitate blackadder. then when it was the big bang theory, i imitated... shit wat's tht guys name? the irritating one? sheldon? yes sheldon. n then for family guy, i tend to imitate stewie. hahaha omg so funny i tell u. stewie is such a funny name. like stew-ie. like he's stew-like. hahaha my favourite character has got to be peter griffin though. HE IS SO HILARIOUS. hahahahahaha ok gtg sleep now. n gurgle my mouth too.

ciao.

omg 17 days n counting. cant wait yo. but dread it at the same time... :(

i was wise but am no more

2011-01-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

i was hoping tht i didnt have to extract my last two wisdom teeth today, but it happened all too quickly. the hospital was under construction so we had a really really really difficult time finding our way to the clinic. we were 20 minutes early, but ended up 5 minutes late. sian. i entered the room to find a fat dude, who turned out to be the dentist who was operating on me hahha, and this young man and young woman who were the dental students. my mum followed n she said,' do u think he should get an x ray to see if he needs the surgery?" and the dentist just went, "oh. no need la. we can see from his old x ray." n on one glance, the bottom wisdom tooth was quite impacted. n it happened so quickly i tell u.

he asked me to take a seat, took a look at my teeth n all he said was, "oh, cant even see the tooth." then he just started instructing the students to prepare for the op. the male student injected me with local anaesthetic n it hurt a little, then he applied this topical numbing cream tht tasted a little like strawberry haha. n then their mentor started the op. it was a demo, so he was using all the cheem terms. haha. i forgot most of them already. but anw, the students were asked questions as the procedure went on, n they were quite poor thing cos they didnt dare to answer cos they were scared of saying the wrong thing. haha but anw, it was a painless procedure for me, though when he was prying the teeth out, i could feel my other teeth being pushed together, n it hurt a little. but in any case, i left with my teeth!!

i left the clinic feeling a little moody, somehow. n when i got home, i just went to sleep. then i woke up to find mama opening my room door. n just as she closed the door, my face suddenly became not numb any more n the pain was building up. it kept building up n building up till at one point of time i rmb tht i had pain killers n i got up to find them. it took abt a minute for the painkillers to set in, n i felt much better after. but i'm still bleeding, though i suppose it has subsided. not sure if it's normal or not, but i do hope it stops tmr. cos tht's not a good sign i'm sure.

for dinner, i had porridge mama cooked. it was so yummy, i had two big bowls. but then as i was watching family guy, i suddenly had a craving for chips. sour cream n onion flavoured. n also chicken rice. :( the other time i had cravings for kueh chap. haha sigh... well, at least i got my milo bar to suck on. yum...

but damn, the pain is starting to set in again. but it's not another three hours till i get to eat the pain killers

they see me rollin', they hatin'

2011-01-16T22:36:00.000+08:00

i went cycling about two days ago, and today, and boy do i feel in shape. i feel more confidant abt ns cos if these 2 days.

for both days, i went cycling along the same route, the one i've been using for like 3 years, which is to cycle through the park connector at my house through bishan park, n finally to cycle up st nicholas' hill, and eventually back the same route. when i was in sec 3, i could go up st nicholas' hill 5 or more times before i went back home, and still didnt die. how amazing is tht? it clearly shows the ability that i could have if i train hard enough. and during then, i thought that the exhilarating ride down the hill was worth the physical torture i had to put myself through. hahaha stupid right? but anw, cos of all the cycling then, my quads became huge, but it screwed up my running form, n it brought long term problems cos my ham strings became too much weaker than my quads. but tht's over now.

ANYWAY, two days ago, i cycled up st nick's hill, once. and i almost died. my quads were burning, my gluts were burning, my lungs were burning, my heart was drilling it's way out of my chest. and at the top of the hill, i could hardly stand on my own two legs. i had to sit down and i took like at least five minutes to catch my breath. and i was in such agonising pain. to rest my quads, i had to bring my knees to my chest and it felt awesome. but after a while, my ass would burn SO badly. then i had to straighten my legs. but then, my quads would burn SO badly after a while. so i had to keep switching positions every 15 seconds. PAIN SIA... i was struggling all the way to macs to go to their toilet to drink water. like tap water, cos i didnt bring a bottle or money. nor did i wear my helmet n i felt really vulnerable. the ride home was alright, because my body somehow managed to recover. now, that, is amazing too. seriously. right? not? and the most amazing thing is, i did not feel sore the next day. not one bit. my muscles werent even tight. although, i did have a sore back. and this is after not exercising for a few weeks. like the only true exercise i did was before christmas, n in lombok i did all the snorkeling and surfing and stuff, n in thailand it was just walking. and carrying heavy stuff. and i'm damn sure massage isnt a type of exercise. can some one pls tell me how this is possible?

so anw, i cycled today. and ykw, the ride was at least two or three times easier than the previous one. like how did that happen?! it's like i cycled once, n it "woke" my muscles up, n they became stronger, and have more endurance than before. in just two days. shouldnt i become stronger and have more anaerobic ability after a few days, when the microtears in the muscle fibres heal and stuff? oh n i was smarter this time. i brought money to buy a drink. haha

i stand amazed. and more confidant of ns cos of this. like, now i know tht my body will be able to adapt to the tough training. they will tekan us, but i know tht they will give ample time for us to rest and recover. so i guess i have nothing to fear n as she said, trust in god. :D

oh n i was talking to ms ang, my jc ct, n she said, "good luck hugging the ice chunk." at first i thought that it was soem colloquil phrase, like some break a leg kind of thing, but then i realise that she meant it literally. maybe they will make us hug ice chunks for training? idk. haha fun!

oh n i have come to better understand the powers of nature. i was cycling along the park connector, when i had a very strong head wind. i looked at my speedometer, n i saw tht i was only going at at most 22km/h. i could try to go faster by pedaling harder, but it was very tiring. so i just went slowly. when i came home, the wind was still blowing at my face, but only cos i was moving forward, but there was no head wind n i could cruise at 30km/h at ease. if i put in as much effort as when i was cycling towards the park, i could have probably gone up to 32km/h. how cool is tht? i love nature baby. muahahaha

bangkok day 5

2011-01-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

today was the most boring day, EVER. i spend most of my time waiting n waiting n waiting.

oh n btw, i realise i'm a better shopper than mama erjie n sanjie all combined. i was the one who found the graphic tees and the accesories and the camera lens tumbler. how awesome am i, not? hahaha

mama n erjie woke up early to go to the internet cafe so tht erjie can bid for her lessons in uni, while i slept in the hotel room. hahaha actually mama told me to pack the luggage, but i told myself tht i will after i'm done laying on the bed, but i fell asleep instead. hahahaha they woke me up for breakfast. which was pig trotter's rice n fried chicken, but i only ate a little cos i didnt feel like eating. then i went to pack the luggage, n it was quite fun. haha the luggages turned out to be damn heavy, especially the one in my room. n just as i was abt to leave with my shoes on n stuff, both of them say tht they need to shit. so annoying pls!!

anw, so after 10 000 years, they finally shat they fill n we went to checkout. next we went to platinum mall to shop n stuff. we had japanese food for lunch, n bought the sesame dressing my mum always wanted. then they went shopping n i was thoroughly bored cos they kept me waiting n they were walking so slowly. argh. anw, i found this shop selling polo tees while they were shoping n i was damn happy, cos i have finally acmmomplished all the goals i set before leaving for thailand. woo!!

then we went back to the hotel to put down our stuff. before we left for our final massage session!!! it was the best ever! but i was hot cos the air con wasnt blowing in my direction. :( anw, we went back to the hotel to wait for our cab. n the wait for so unbearable... i told the cab to come an hour earlier so we can go to the airport and shop and walk abt n stuff. so i played pool in their mini table while i waited for the cab to come. omg i'm so bored even when i'm typing this. someone save me.... sigh ok anw, the cab came, we went to the airport, checked in, everything went smoothly, long queue at customs blah blah blah.

then disaster struck.

when i sent my bag for scanning, they stopped my bag. i thought it was cos of my 2 giant empty bottles n was very confidant tht nothing was wrong n i just pulled out the bottles to show them, till i saw the sesame sauce we bought just now. :( we forgot to check it in!! n it's a freaking liquid!! so we had to throw it away... sigh... ok tht's abt it. bored. bye

bangkok day 4

2011-01-12T16:14:00.000+08:00

today was slightly amusing!! :) here's wat happened.

we wanted to go to their china town, yaowarat, this morning. the hotel's taxi stand is managed by the security guard, n he had to take down the destination of each trip as well as the cab's registration number. the rationale i guess is to protect the passengers, so that they wont be cheated by the cab drivers. so, we got onto this cab n the driver was being an ass. he said tht he would take us, then drove away, n once away from the guard, he kept saying, "oh where you from? jam. take one hour. why want to go. jam. take one hour." then he stopped the cab at the side of the road n pretended tht he didnt know how to go by taking out a map n like say, "oh... yaowarat, yaowarat.... jam. take one hour. y u want to go. have jam." n kept talking other shit. so we got damn fed up n got off the cab which i guess was wat he wanted.

so we had to walk all the way back to the hotel which was abt 3 minutes away cos he drove so far out. mama said tht she'll complain abt the cab driver when we reach the hotel. haha the guard was a very friendly n comical character n when he saw us walking back, he got a shock n went, "eh?" with a puzzled look. hahah he was obviously confused tht we came back. then my mum went to tell a tall tale abt how the cab driver stopped at the side of the road and asked us to get out. he sorta did, but not directly, right? haha then the guard went, "aiyoh..." n started laughing. then he made the cut throat movement with it's typical sound, n pointed at the list . haha he probably meant tht the driver is gonna get punished cos i suppose it's illegal to reject passengers? the guard went to tell his colleagues n they all laughed too, n he kept making the cut throat movement. it was really funny.

so anw, we managed to get to china town, n there was no traffic jam at all! but watever. we had brasied goose, goose heart, stomach, intestines, liver and bloog for breakfast. it was so yummy!!! so yummy tht we had lunch there to! hahah then we went shopping!!

we were there to get fish maw, dried mushrooms, and dried sea cucumber. so we were walking n enjoying the sights, sounds n smells of their market, while we looked for shops tht sold such stuff. our main target was fish maw, so we stopped at the first stall with nice looking fish maw. it was really good stuff n really cheap, so we got our mushrooms there as well. but we left with an extra kilo of dried scallops. haha. we then left to find out dried sea cucumber.

their produce were so fresh, n so huge, n so bloody good i tell u. their chicken is huge n fatless, they sell the animals blood, their fish is so huge n fresh, and they have such a diverse variety of foods! they actually have black tau gua made from black beans! oh n cos it's china town, my mum was speaking to everyone in teochew. so fun.

well, anw, we managed to find the dried sea cucumbers. here's the price for the goods. if u're in the know of such stuff, u'll know tht it's really cheap n trust me, the goods r better than the ones we can get in singapore. dried sea cucumber: S$240/kg. dried mushrooms: S$78/kg. fish maw: S35/kg/

we also got preserved persimmons for papa, tons of my milo bars which i have been craving for since july 2009 and beef jerky. they were all damn have y n both the trolley bag (yes, we brought a trolley bag with us when we shop) n my sch bag was full. i strapped the bos of beef jerky onto my sch bag with all the clips on the bag n i felt so much better cos my hands were free to touch other things n the baggage felt so much lighter this way too. haha

so with our super duper heavy baggage, (oh but wait, come to think of it, the stuff aren't as heavy as on the first day we went to jatujak. my camping bag was filled to the brim haha) ok right, so we went to have lunch. but they didnt have intestines with we went back. :( but at least they gave us more blood this time round! yayy!

so after tht. we went to this place called old siam to have desert. oh n we saw a real siamses cat a yaowarat. haha. then we went back to our hotel to put our stuff down before we went to this big shopping mall called "bankapit the mall" i think. ok so we went down to the tasi stand, n another guard was there. he some how know abt our thing with the cab driver in the morning n he went, "err... YAOWARAT?!" hahahha so have since been affectionately been known as yaowarat amongst the security guards hahah funny right?! especially since my surname is yao!

so... at the mall erjie n i went to watch megamind while mama went to cut her hair. oh n i got the trick to watch 3d movies with specs! all i gotta do is to sit still, dont fidget, n most importantly, remove the nose bridge pieces from my specs. haha

(omg so sleep as i'm typing this. it's 0047hrs local time, id est, 0147hrs singapore time)

ok so afterwards we went home, n went for a massage!!! tonight's massage was the most awesome ever!!! but my should was so so painful during the massage... n dinner was freaking awesome!!! we bought BBQ chicken drumstick, thigh, stomach, m heart, n deep fried chicken drumstick n cup noodles to eat in our hotel room. so yummy.... *slurp*

yawn... ok i'm done. tmr, we're just gonna slack most of the day. weeeeeeee so sleep!! night!

bangkok day 3

2011-01-12T15:48:00.001+08:00

today was kinda dull...

we went for breakfast at the same place n it was awesome!

(shit alert. skip following paragraph if u want to)

haha but i had to shit DAMN badly right after. so i went to find it, n i was directed to this toilet in this eatery which was only a block away. the toilet was just right behind this door but there was this person inside who was taking damn long. i had those cramping type of stomach aches with my poop doing occasional peek-a-boos. hahaha. the pain was damn bad n the stupid woman came out only after an enternity. n i was marching abt the place chanting, "u gotta be quick ladyy, u gotta be quick lady. come on, come one. FASTER!!!" haha it was so damn shiok when it was finally bombs away.

(ok you may read now haha )

alrighty so we went to jatujak again. i bought my balaclavas, beanies as well as awesome rings n stuff. oh n erjie n i went to find this this tumbler/flask which looked EXACTLY like camera lens. they had nikons n canons. it was damn cool. i saw them yesterday n when i first saw it, i was thinking, "eh cool. they sell lens here. gotta tell erjie" how cool is tht! erjie wanted them. but anw, we couldnt find the place n erjie was quite disappointed... well anw, i actually told myself, "no more rings or graphic tees" but i still got a shirt, rings n neckalce. hahaha bleagh. but anw, they were all awesome and totally worth the money.

so, we went to platinum mall to have lunch n buy sanjie's stuff. i had duck rice my very own bowl of fish maw soup, n coconut ice blend. yummy... sanjie got the blosue she wanted, then we went back to the hotel, while we teased sanjie abt her serious serious dandruff problem. hahah cos she had her hair braided in lombok, n she hasnt unbraided them till now. so she had tons n literally tons of dandruff. n she kept scratching her head cos we made her conscious abt it. hahaha i likened her to the women on the mry who have dandruff on their hair n shoulder, which i know disgusts her, but even worse cos she's scratching herself. hahah i told her to imagine tht "woman" to be her, the one tht everyone loathes, before it finaly changed her mind n she unbraided her hair. u know tht she said tht she thought tht she could keep it forever?!?!? ewwww!!!so sick pls! so mama n her went to wash her hair at a saloon while ernie n i went back to the hotel to watch family guy on her laptop. haha

i watched it till we had to leave for the airport to send sanjie off since she still has school.oh n random shit, many ppl were staring at my shoes the whole trip. haha. ego boost sia. i feel so cool with my cool shoes on. BOW BEFORE ME ALL YOU WORTHLESS MORTALS. hahahah kidding la. ok anw, we had dinner n desert at the airport. sucked. wat a disgrace to thai cuisine. *pui*. ok then we sent sanjie off, n then had supper with food we dabao back from this road side stall near our place. then... nothing else. boring. really. sigh. hope tmr's better. oh n i bought be some shorts to wear at home. so don't need to go to the fbt building to buy my stuff alreadyla. it's fake addidas n nike n stuff, but it's ok la. wear at home anw.

sigh... ok bored. bye night!

bangkok day 2

2011-01-12T15:24:00.002+08:00

woohoo today was quite fun! i had a very good sleep without any weird dreams haha

we woke up to have breakfast, n we had the same thing i had for lunch yesterday, but at a small eatery by the road which was still as good as the food court one.

the we went to jatujak(pronounced as chatuchak) n it was freaking awesome!! let me tell u wat i got. i got a khaki green balaclava n a black beanie for julian. i think i'll get one myself tmr. then i got 4 more graphic tees, each at only S$4.30. n i got a few rings for cheryl n a necklace too!! they are so awesome i tell u! i think i'll get more tmr, just cos they r so awesome. oh n i got one of the thai traditional shirts, the one tht mahouts wear? it's damn nice, n damn cooling! i think i want more too! get them tmr! haha. mama got me another graphic tee too! so happy!! hahah oh n i finally got a lighter with green flames! i want a blowtorch next! someone pls get me one thanks.

ok now let me tel u abt the shops. they have a few army supply shops, mostly selling attire, camping equipment, bags, knives, parangs, lighters, balaclavas, beanies, et cetera. but the cooler things were gas masks, kevlar vests(NATO registered ones apparently), pepper spray, handcuffs n the collest, a handgun. they actually sell these stuff!! the gas masks were abt S$90 n if they were like S$20, i would have definitely bought one each for julian n i. oh n they sell tags tht can be ironed on to fabric, but i couldnt find any "sniper" ones for julian. or "ranger".

so, other than army supply shops, the only other things tht caught my eye were graphic tee shops, accessories shops n this particulr shop tht was selling this huge wooden elephant sculpture. it looked so life like!! haha but after buying so many graphic tees, i got bored of them cos the idea of having to flip throguh all the shirts n having an arm sore made me feel tired. haha in the end i asked to leave cos i didint really know if the accessories i got were really tht good a guy.

so we went to mbk (mah buk krong i think) for lunch, n i had super duper awesme chicken rice. it was almost as good as ming kee! then i had desert, n then i went to get my pair of dark blue jeans which is damn awesome n costs only S$26. n trust me when i say tht it's quality is as good as a pair of levi's.

then we went back to the hotel, rested a while, then went for a massage again! it was better than the night before. i bet i'm gonna be really healthy if i keep getting massages every night. hahah do u think the thai king gets massages every day? tht is the life man... so, after the massage, we walked around the streets looking for food cos platinum closed even though it was only 1930hrs local time. in the end i had roasted pig's tail, grilled pork, grilled chicken heart, friend chicken drumstick, tangerine juive, then waffles with butter n syrup, root beer, and the pièce de résistance, BUGS!!! they were all deep fried and i had grasshoppers, bamboo worms, crickets, and silk worms. the bamboo worms were the best, followed by the grasshoppers, then silk worms and the crickets were just nasty. and as erjie put it, they "taste like elephant". hahah ok tht's it for today.

oh wait one more thing. i brought my huge camping bag with me so tht they can put all their shopping stuff in the bag instead of having to carry it around. they should totally thank me man!! cos i went shopping alone today so my bag only had my few things. then i bumped into them n when i left them, mag was filled to the brim! can u believe it? it was so heavy! n my shoulder muscles were very very tight. when i met them again so tht we can leave, they had enough stuff to fill another of my bag. so, see? if not for me they wouldnt have been able to get all the stuff tht they wanted. :D i think i deserve a treat or something... hahah and apparently erjie bought 10 dresses at one go. n they boguht many many bags.

i think everyone should just go to thailandto shop. it's so cheap n they have designs tht will satisfy everyone's fashion style!! (this advertisement has been sponsored by the thai tourism authorities. visit thailand 2011)

bangkok day 1

2011-01-12T15:06:00.002+08:00

today was a good day for except for some infuriating events which should be and have been forgotten

i was in the airport bookshop reading this book abt 75 most gruesome ways to die, n it was so interesting!!! i wanted to buy it, but mam won't allow cos she didn't want me to "read these kinds of books". hahah it's abt wat happens when u die in those different ways. there was alligator attack. enthrax virus attack, n the scariest one i think was fatal insomnia. u basically die from not getting sleep at all for months on end. MONTHS. the book was damn educational i swear. i tried to finish the book before the plane flew but i only managed to finish abt half the book. :( who wants to buy for me? i got it in terminal 2 at the bookshop close to gate F30. hahah

the plane ride was alright for me, but it sucked for mama er jie and sanjie. i was sitting alone in the row beside them while all 3 of them sat tgt. they had irritating china passengers sitting behind them. the hooligans kept pushing their seats, shaking their seats, yawning loudly, talking loudly, being smelly, n being a sore sight for eyes basically. the only trouble i had was the guy behind me who kept shaking his leg against my seat. i turned back n gave him a death glare n he stopped n my plane ride was smooth thereafter. hahah oh and at the airport there was this old man who kept staring at my vibram 5 fingers

alrighty, so we took their mrt to town so we can tuktuk to our hotel. their trains were smaller than ours but their ticketing system is quite cool. instead of cards as ur "temporary pass" they use coins. so when u enter, u tap the coin like u tap the card on the sensor n u enter the gantry. when u exit, u drop the coin through this slot n tht's the end of the story, so u dont have to queue up at the stupid machine to get ur stupid S$1 refund. signapore should totally do tht la. less hassle.

so for lunch we went to platinum mall, n i had the pig trotter's rice with intestines n giam cai. it was so yummy!!! mua hahahaha

after lunch i went shopping along, n it was then tht i had my first ever dosage of retail therapy. hahaha it was quite boring cos i didnt see anything tht i liked while walking through the whole of b1 and level 1. and just to let you know, each level had at least 100 shops, i reckon. then i saw the directory on level 1 i was so pissed at myself. turns out guy's fashion is located at level 4 zone 1. and the other levels from b to 6, and zones 1 and 2 belong to women's fashion. like seriously? haha so i went to level 4 and it was not long before i found shops tht selling graphic tees at a very very very low price which was very very very good quality. i got 6 awesome ones, 4 for abt S$5.70 each n 2 for S$4.30 each cos i got them at different shops. then i met up with the ladies n showed them my steals n erjie wanted to get some for her bf guoxi. so i brought them to the place n i managed to get 8 more for myself. 7 at S$4.30 each n 1 for S%6.50 i think. their designs are all pretty awesome n i shall post pictures of them soon.

then we went back to the hotel to put our stuff down before we went for massage. it was awesome! gonna go again tmr! woohoo!! it was damn freaking loud when they cracked erjie's back. then we went for dinner in their china town, n the day was thus over.

weirdo dreams before the thailand trip

2011-01-12T14:21:00.000+08:00

i had weird dreams in the two nights before i went to thailand, and i shall narrate them to thee. :D

i "woke up" (haha) to find myself at this toilet in some random building. n there were these ppl whom i somehow knew were carrying with them plastic explosives, like c4 or something. i also knew tht they were going to blow up the building by tying the explosives around the three main pillars of this triangular building, which i somehow knew was triangular. haha

i actually didnt want to do anything abt it, till someone said tht we should do something just as i was peeing in the urinal. so i went, "ok." then i turned to one of the terrorists who was peeing in the urinal beside me and i started peeing all over him. hahahahahahah like wts!!

so, tht guy was imcapacitated, somehow haha, n i went to get the others with the person tht told me tht we should be doing something. i somehow knew tht we only had 5 mins left before the building will blow but we still decided to getthe terrorists instead of evacuating the building. me and the other guy was chasing the other terrorist through this office place n i managed to pin one of them down. he was a bit plump, like with a buddha belly and all. then i ripped his shirt off and started to pound his chest, hoping tht it would give him a heart attack and thus die. n it happened! he had heart attack, or at least wat i imagined a heart attack would look like. hahah but then i was thinking/praying, "please please dont die!" n i tried to like stroke his chest to like try to calm the heart down n after a while he became alright. hahahaha then i suddenly realised tht i had only 5s left before the building was going to blow. so i waited for it to blow n i could feel the building fall n i was hoping to ride it as it fell, thinking tht it would be safe tht way, but then i started falling too fast n i had to jump into the building which had a hollow centre. i rmb just falling n trying to grab things tht were hanging from the ceiling, like christmas lights or something n i was just thinking, "eh, not bad. i think i'm gonna survive this."

next thing i knew, I WAS DEAD.

hahahahaha n i was my spirit floating around, n i was a very sad spirit cos i was dead. i was wailing n howling n crying really really very badly, cos i was trying to attract some attention but obviously no one could see me. then i searched through the rubble n managed to found my corpse n it was quite screwed up. my legs broke at abt 2 inches above the ankles, n it was all bent in the wrong direction with bone n blood n stuff. then my right arm was dislocated n was pushed al the way to behind my left shoulder blade. n tht is not even possible! my face was swollen on the right cheek n my eyelids were swollen as well. oh n the building didnt really collapse. like a failed domino, u know? hahah then i woke up.

quite gross right? u think tht's the way i'm going to die? :P hahaha

ok next.

it started with me looking at me riding a mororcycle with a twin machine gun on it's handle bars. some voice was teaching how to use it, to drive n shoot at the same time. but the thing is, i shoot where i'm steering n i was driving down a civilian's X junction n i accidentally shot at the drivers on my left. i'm not sure if i killed anyone, but the next thing i knew, the road was a deadend n i got off the bike to walk towards this dark tunnel behind this truck.oh btw, i was wearing army uniform, like wat the germans wore in WWII but just tht it's khaki green. i helped to push the truck as i trudged on, then ppl started falling from the sky with parachutes on. haha i somehow knew tht they were commandos.

when they were falling, they were all slouched, cos they were extremely exhausted. when they landed, they just flopped down on the ground n didnt move till they rested enough. then i suddenly noticed a radio clipped to me on my right chest n it was buzzing, with someone on the other side ordering something. then my leader whom i somehow knew was my leader landed in front of me n he too lay on the floor. he just lay there motionless cos he was so tired, then i said to him, "we need you." hahaha omg damn cheesy right? he then stood up n became ok. so we kept walking n walking n walking till the tunnel became trench n i was alone again. i somehow knew tht i was still in singapore. but there were these korean tanks and soldiers shooting above us, towards something across our trench. i'm not sure if tht third party is an enemy or not, but anw, i saw mama n she was pissed at my dad. they were somehow in the army too and my dad was suppose to lead a group of men to somewhere n i guess he wasnt at the checkpoint yet since my mum was quite pissed n asked him where he was, and tht "they" were here already. i dont know who "they" were though.

so anw, i continued to walk n the next thine i knew, i was in a pig sty. i was watching ppl scoop shit n pout it into this hole in the ground, which looked like it was moving, then everyone started laughing n stepping in the shit n stuff. then mama woke me up. hahahahaha

my dreams r so weird i tell you!

thailand was so freaking awesome!!!

2011-01-12T13:23:00.000+08:00

i just came home from thailand at abt 1am mua haha. and the past five days in thailand was so damn freaking awesome. the ppl were awesome. the food was awesome. the travelling was awesome. the shopping was awesome!!!

and i managed to get all that i wanted which was graphic tees, polo tees, a pair of dark blue jeans, and stuff for !! on top of tht, i got a balaclava and beanie for julian and i. so cool i tell u. ok i think i'm gonna repeat a lot of things, so i should stop. oh i will posts pictures of all my awesome graphic tees too. hahaha i got abt 22 tees? so tht's gonna last me like 4 years, assuming that i wear a different shirt everytime i go out. hahahah ok no i'm kidding. and i can now clear my cupboard!! it will be a totaly overhaul i suppose.

oh u know something? all the ppl there are so slim! like really slim and healthy. not ano or anything. we were sitting beside this girl, n she at this huge plate of pig trotter's rice, with fats and everything, but she's still so slim!! wat's wrong with these people?! hahah mama joked tht since the girls there are all so very pretty and slim, and the food and shopping and every other stuff is so awesome, i should just marry a thai girl n migrate over. hahaha!

hmm... wat else... right. countdown to ns is 26 days from now. and i dont know. it's only now tht i feel 18. not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything, but i somehow feel more mature. i feel the need to be a better person, more civil at least. and to drop all the childish things tht i used to do. like spongbob and stuff. haha. i'm not sure if it's really cos of ns tht made me this way, like the idea of having the responsibilty of giving up my life for country when the need arises is making me... man up? or something like tht? haha ok bye.

lombok day 6

2011-01-03T22:19:00.000+08:00

i think today was the only day we spent time like we were "meant" to do so. to relax. haha we basically slacked all the way to 12 when we had to check out. then we went out for lunch, wash papa's wounds and stuff, then we came back. i wanted to sun tan, to tan my chest cos now only my back is black haha. but then just as i was going to sit and tan, the surfing big boss, abdul, went over to my mum and told us that today was a good day to surf, as compared to the other day. and it is true, the sea was really calm, but if u waited, waves, big waves would come.

so erjie, sanjie and i all went to surf. hahaha it was so easy to paddle now, i paddled to far out and abdul had to ask me to turn back. hahah so anw, he help both erjie and i, and erjie managed to stand up very quickly. haha abdul says that he'll choose the big, wild waves for me. hahah whenever a "correct" wave comes,he'll say, "ok jacob r u ready? paddle paddle paddle go" then i'll paddle paddle as hard as i could n when the wave is under me, i'll stand up. i succeeded most of the time. :D there was once this ang moh women was right in front of me, so i couldnt surf n in the hext instant, an ang moh guy cut into my path, so abdul said, "all these board people, too white. i dont like" hahahha so funny.

so anw, we spent our last hour in lombok surfing. so cool right? :D at the airport, papa got special treatment cos of his injury, so we were allowed to board the plane first. mua hahah

lombok day 5

2011-01-03T22:08:00.001+08:00

today was quite ok. we went snorkeling again, n i'm super duper happy that i got the hang of it. sea water only went into the tube once when i forgot to keep my head close to the water surface. but today was super duper tiring cos we had to swim afainst the currents. but can u imagine?! it's so cool! i can swim againstthe sea current in the open sea. and i even helped sanjie by giving her boosts.

i have 3 great accomplishments today. one, i managed to touch 2 sea turtles!!! n two, i'm not afraid to go underwater while snorkeling anymore. but it's super duper tiring! i'll keep getting out of breath. but all i needa do is take a few deep breaths while floating then i'll be ready to go. n three, i've become a stronger swimmer. like i just discovered the correct way to swm freestyle and also the dolphin-ing thingy tht swimmers do before the butterfly stroke. know wat i mean? i love doing the latter. but erjie and mama both say tht i move very quickly in the water when i swim. but i can only swim fast with the latter technique with flippers. i tried it in out private pool n i hardly moved. hah

hmmmm.... ok so besides touching turtles, cos i went underwater, i got to see many other cool n new stuff too. i saw a translucent orange fish, corals which will glow under uv light (jard to explain how, why i know, but i just know from it's colour), this green (and there were blood red ones too) coral that responds to my touches by unfurling. n i think tht's about it. oh erjie was "attacked" by a fish. haha like it kept darting at her. must have been a sight. my guess is that it was protecting it's eggs. oh and and and and and and i saw this plane wreck that looked to me like a WWII plane!!! how freaking awesome is that?!?!?!? i'm 98% sure that it was a WWII plane cos it looked like one of the japanese's planes. the zero or something like tht. it was perfect, but only it's skeleton remained. sigh wish i had a camera when we snorkeled. :(

oh n the water conditions were actually very very bad, n we werent wearing life vests. besides the strong currents against us, the sea was murky and choppy as well. it's murky cos apparently it rained last night.the waves were throwing us around haphazardly, and i almost couldnt mount the boat. i was so scared that the waves would throw me onto the boat and i'll drown, or i get thrown into the boat's propellers, which were on to steady the boat, and get shredded to a million pieces. n obviously i didnt. sheesh... hahah so anw, we had to leave very very early into the journey, so we didnt get to feed the fishes again, so we brought back a giant back of bread with us. haha oh n erjie got seasick right after the first time we had to go back on the boat. but at least she saw the first turtle :D right, the waves were really choppy right? but u know we could tell in the water? till we lift our heads out of the water to see? the journey home was really really really very terrible cos of the choppy waves and strong winds. it felt like it took forever n mama got really seasick. i had to pee really really badly, n mama had to lie on me which made me wanna pee even more. but anw, we finally reached home n everyone had a rest n was fine after. yayy!

oh n i saw wild puppies too!! so cute!! we wanted to go closer to see them, but their mother started to bark, like to tell them to run, which they did, n then she started trotting toward us n barking. it was damn cool, but scary at the same time. so i quickly walked away. haha n the puppies came back later.

tmr, we're gonna slack in the morning till 12 then we'll check out then we'll play till maybe 3? then we'll shower n leave for home! yayy!!!

lombok day 4

2011-01-03T21:53:00.000+08:00

today was only so so. :(

first we went to get erjie n sanjie's hair done. n i was waiting n i was quite bored. but then the goats came ( oh yes, they rear goats, chickens n cows) so mama n i fed them. quite cool. :D if only we had live stock in singapore. :(

then after that i got to ride a motorcycle! so cool!! haha but the maz i went was only slightly more than 40km/h cos i didnt really dare to go faster. n i managed to tompang both erjie and sanjie (on seperate occasions, duh) but then papa had an accident n he has abrasions on all his four limbs, n his palms n fingertips r swollen. the wounds look n r really painful n i hope he gets better :( he had to go to the hospital to have his wounds wrapped up. n now my daddy is a mummy. hahahaha

we had to compensate the onwer, who was nan's brother-in-law, for the bike cos it was badly damaged. he looked really really sian, but he was still really nice n gracious towards us. we had to pay about $320. i told mama to give him more to compensate him. i hope his bike is ok. :(

but later we went surfing. it was ok. not very exciting but i think if i learn how to do it properly, it would have been more fun. i almost managed to do it properly on my own without help, like without people to push me. ok wat happened was, i was on my own, like just trying to paddle out but the waves were really huge n i couldnt get anywhere. then later the boss came over to help me, n i managed to surf with his help, pushing me and all. then he had to leave n from then i went solo. i spent 90% of my time paddling out to sea, so when i was done, my arms were aching like mad n i couldnt bathe properly. :(

okie dokes. waiting for dinner now n it's gonna be awesome. hahahaha oh n our ears stink like shit, literally. i think it's cos of the sea water that dried up in our ear canal. haha n it's damn fun to play pictionary! especially with mama hahahaha.

lombok day 3

2011-01-03T21:45:00.000+08:00

omg today was such an awesome day!! i had 2 servings of breakfast, then we got ready n headed out to sea.

the ship ride was kinda boring though. it was so slow, n nothing happened along the way, n it was one hour long :(

but the fun started when we started snorkeling! sort of... it was frustrating and tiring cos i didnt know how to use the device properly, so water kept going in, n i kept breathing n tasting sea water. it totally sucked. then i became out of breath n got pissed cos i wanted to enjoy myself cos there were so many nice things to see. i had to cling on to the boat n gurgle my mouth a few times with plain water cos the sea water was so disgusting. n sanjie was so far in front that i had to sit in the boat in order to catch up with them for so many times.

so in the end i threw away the flippers and the snorkeling device, cos the flippers were tiring my shins out n i swam with just the goggles, it was slightly easier but very tiring to have to hold my breath n keep treading water to breathe.

but anw, i managed to see a sea turtle!!! it was quite big! it totally made my day n i forgot abt being tired. i tried to touch it, but i couldnt cos of the stupid breathing problem. but nvm, i may be able to on wednesday. :D oh then we went to see baby turtles at this conservatory. i think they'll collect the eggs, n when they hatch, they'll keep the turtles till they are old enough to fend for themselves before releasing them into the wild. they were so cute!! n much larger than tom, tuck and terry. haha

mama explained to me y i kept sucking in water, then erjie got seasick so she let me use her snorkeling device n i tried out wat mama told me. n it worked! i finally got the hang of it! haha n to think i almost wanted to give up.

then we went for linch, n we ate in this tiny hut platform which was really very cosy. AND I HAD BARACUDA!!! it was yummy. so yummy, i had 2 plates of it. n we fed some cats who were very very cute. hahahaha

after lunch, erjie joined us cos she felt better. yayy! n i got the hang of it n i had no problems with snorkeling from then on. woots!! but then she got sea sick later n had to stop again.

alright, so besides the awesome sea turtles, we also saw many many other stuff (mostly fishes). the corals were so cool. most are dull coloured like cream, brown, laosai green n blah... but there were many many brightly coloured ones. have purple, lavender, lime green, sapphire blue, teal, maroon, peach, etc. n they came in so many different shapes and sizes. there were those that looked like brains, balls, plates, lingzhi, ferns, n blah. the coolest one ever was this giant peached shaped peach coloured coral. then there were mainly a few type of fishes, like there was this purple fish with green fish that changed colour as the light shone, a striped fish with a yellow blot on it's rear end, bright neon fishes, rainbow coloured parrot fishes, angel fishes, a blue starfish the guide picked for us, and many many many many many many others. the cooler ones were a puffer fish, n a dragon fish. oh n we fed the fishes bread n they swam to us. damn cool. omg i can't wait for the next time we snorkel!!

oh n we have like this guide who brought us everywhere. his name is nana n without him, we couldnt have had so much fun. :D

yayy!! we're gonna go surfing tmr! can't wait! but, i have a very bad sun burn on my shoulder n scalp. it hurts so much. i hope that i'll get well enough tmr. :( but there is something food to come from this! i'ld rather have a sun burn now than during ns. thank goodness i shaved my head too!!! mua hahah i knew it'll be a good idea to shave first. :D

lombok day 2

2011-01-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

omg day 2 is super duper awesome. we woke up at 9 to have breakfast which was served to our villa. i had banana crepe with toffee sauce n this white colour sweet sauce which was an awesome combination. then there was fresh fruits n tea n banana juice which sucked (but totally rocked on the other days) :(

so after breakfast we took forever to get ready to go to the beach. n when we finally got to the beach, it was so much more awesome in the sunlight!!! sanjie got her hair braided, papa n jie jie just slacked at the lounge chairs by the chairs while erjie n i went to play in the sea, like pick up corals n get washed away by the sea and stuff. haha it was damn fun!! except when sea water gets into ur mouth n nose. hahaha sanjie joined us later but then we had to leave for lunch soon after.

lunch sucked :( we waited for so damn long for our food n when my food came, it was bad. like rotten bad, literally. the fish, sotong n prawn tasted like ammonia. so i had it changed n ordered fried rice instead. it was yummy but the smelly food made me sad. :(

n then it was after lunch.... dun dun dun...

WE WENT BANANA BOATING!!!!!!

it was awesome i tell u!! mua hahahahahaha

ok, that was all we did for now. i'm just slacking outside waiting for dinner n letting the bee chew me forehead. hahah i think it's cos i'm wearing this bright red singlet so maybe he thinks i'm a flower. haha

n guess wat? i'm going snorkeling tmr!!! we can get to touch fishes n see sea turtles! cant wait!

lombok day 1

2011-01-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

when we got off the planbe, it was drizzling and it was quite fun cos when we got on to the runway, the wind was blowing really strongly. then it started ouring strongly n i got sad cos i felt unsafe. like the ppl there will chear us or something haha. wts there was a bee on me as i typed this. haha. ok anw, it turns out that the ppl there were really nice. very honest, sincere and courteous.

so anw, we cabbed to the villa, got out room, n went for dinner at their restaurant. oh n they welcomed us with this awesome drink. it's ginger tea with lemon grass n palm sugar. yummy... but they put too much sugar. hahaha. so then it was dinner, n i had breaded swordfish with this white wine sauce which tastes awesome with the fish. oh n while waiting for dinner, erjie n i went to the beach for a while. IT WAS SO WINDY!!! n it was so cold too! the beach is so cool i tell u. u can tell that the water is very clear n their sand, is jet black, how freakin' cool is that?! n it's so shiny. like black glitter. i think's it's volcanic sand, tht's y. damnit the bee wont leave me alone! it landed on my forehead n started chewing me, i swear.

after dinner, we went back to our vila to give presents! hahah n it was so cool! this year, everyone was their santa's santa! i got papa a pair of shoes n he got me a shaver that i alwas wanted! how awesome is that? haha but i couldnt sleep at night. i think i slept at 2 or 3 am

lombok and just a party

2011-01-02T14:35:00.003+08:00

the last i blogged, i was still in singapore, getting ready to go to lombok. and u know the game i talked about? i realise that i finished the game RIGHT before i left for the airport. hahaha i woke and played till we had to leave and it just so happens that i finished the game. haha

ok so i went to lombok. AND IT WAS AWESOME. i highly recommend it to everyone. go visit lombok and stay at qunci pool villas. i wrote a post everyday in my ipod cos there no internet, so i'll type it out when i feel like it. hahahah. but i'll give the trip an overview "review" for now.

it was really really so fun. i managed to get the tan i wanted, and i got to do soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many new things, things i never though i would be able to do in my life. this past week has been awesome for me. :D and the holiday really felt like a holiday, know wat i mean? the past month didnt feel like a holiday cos i was just bumming about with no purpose.

ok so anyway, here's wat i managed to do in chronological order. we went banana boating on the first day. it was so fun!!! hahaha ok then i let a bee chew me. like nibble me with it's mouth, it's mandibles, not it's stinger. it wasnt painful, but a bit scary cos i dont know if it'll sting me if i swat it. so i just let it. and it was damn funny, cos it kept coming back to nibble me. hahaha so i just let it cos it was quite a nice sensation. i'm thinking maybe it's cos i was wearing this bright magenta coloured singlet, n plus i must have been smelling very good, so it thought i was a flower. hahah oh wait, there was more than one! yeah! i rmb. hahaha

we went snorkeling the next day. it was so freaking awesome. the best thing to happen to me so far i think. i wasnt used to snorkeling yet, so i kept breathing in sea water. i got very fed up and pissed and almost wanted to give up cos it was really really really tiring to keep treading water to try to put on the snorkeling device properly. but then something inside told me not to give up and i didnt. and it paid off! i managed to get the hang of it after lunch. :D but before that, i kept lagging behind of the group and had to cling on to the boat as it moved, so that it could bring me to the spot that the others were at. haha tht was fun too. :D it was infinitely better after lunch and i finally got to enjoy the view. before lunch, we managed to see sea turtles and both erjie and sanjie managed to touch it, but cos i was lagging behind, i didnt manage to touch it. :( but it's alright, i saw many other awesome stuff. colourful corals and fishes and a starfish. :D

the next day, i got to ride a motorcycle at 40km/h. it was so fun i tell u. hahahah just *buuuuuuuuuuuu* go down the road and then i went up a hill at full throttle, but could only manage to go 30km/h. so fun. i tompanged sanjie first, then later erjie. but then papa had an accident. he was riding down the slope that i rode up, and then his cap flew off so he tried to grp it and he lost control of the bike and then he fell. he had serious abbrasions, but nothing much. the bike was kinda screw and the repairs came up to be about S$320. so we paid the guy and then, i went surfing!! it was very frustrating too cos i didnt really know how to catch the waves, though the drill to stand on the board, and no one was there to help me. and the waves were really really choppy and i’m spending most of my time paddling out to sea cos the big waves would push me back. but in the end, the big boss came to help me and i managed to surf properly!! Yayy!! And i almost managed to surf on my own. Woohoo! But it was so tiring. When i bathed, i could hardly lift my hands up to wash my upper body, and i couldn’t dry myself properly too. Oh and cos the sea water kept rushing into our ears, the cotton buds became damn smelly when we cleaned out ears. Eww...

The next day, we went snorkelling again! And this time, i was awesome. Mua hahah i managed to touch two turtles! And i dared to dive down to the bottom to see the corals and the fishes. It was so cool. I lag behind still, but it was because i was staying at a spot taking in the view and looking at things more close up and stuff while the others kept moving. Oh and today’s sea was super choppy and we had to swim against the current. Sanjie was very tired so i gave her boosts. Haha it was quite fun. And cos we needed to swim against the currents, my swimming technique became better. My freestyle is quite strong now, and i’m able to do the dolphin thingy now. U knw the stroke they use before they start the butterfly stroke? I tried to do it in our private pool at the villa without flippers but i couldn’t move forward. Haha. But nvm. I’m quite happy that i taught myself how to do it on my own, spontaneously. Oh and erjie got seasick so she sat out most of the time when we snorkelled. Like half the time. Mama and erjie said that i swam very quickly and i wasn’t very tired. I was super happy. Haha

The next day, we were just slacking and lazing about and it was very relaxing. Then just as i was about to sun bath, the big boss of the surf boards came over and offered to teach me to surf again cos he said that today’s weather was awesome. And so, i spent my last hour in Lombok surfing! And this time, i managed to surf on my own two times! Yayy! Muahahahaha

Ok that’s about it for Lombok. I’ll be blogging more in depth about Lombok.

Alrighty, so, after we came back, i met Cherie the next day to help her prepare for the party. It was so fun! I loved it! Haha ok so i met Lydia, her best friend, and shawn, my fellow sai kang warrior and also cherie’s team mate. We went to get balloons, lights, and costumes for Lydia and Cherie. Then we went to the house to begin clearing the place. I’m not really sure wat happened first, but i think we swept the floor of the leaves first. The girls wanted to just leave it outside to “pretend that they belong to the road outside”, “because there is a reason why we have road sweepers”. Hahaha but i just swept it up and put the leaves in black bags. then i went to try to cut the grass with the shears i borrowed from liu shu. I could cut the grass easily, but it was really nice and it was really difficult to clear the grass. The bag was already full, but the grass was still so long. Then Lydia’s dad offered to lend us a “brush cutter”, u know the grass cutter that the foreign workers use to cut our grass? Yeah. That one. We went to lydia’s primary school classmate to borrow a hose then i started hosing the place down, to clear to dust and stuff this time. It was somewhat relaxing but i should have done it with my ipod plugged into my ear. Haha. Then i started sweeping the floor, to help the floor dry faster. Then i went to help them blow the ballons, and i had an idea of making a column of balloons, something i learned from watching mythbusters. It was damn cool!! Haha in the end we made a masterpiece that we hung across the main gate. If we had enough balloons, we would have made an arch out of it, but we didn’t. :( the brush cutter came in between the completion of the balloon column, and i tried to cut the grass. It was quite very extremely fun but the thing lasted for about a minute only before the engine died, and we couldn’t start it. Lydia’s mum called her dad to give me instructions over the phone on how to operate it, and we finally got it after much struggle and i managed to cut the whole lawn, but it wasn’t very pretty and we had a hard time clearing the grass from the lawn till we gave up. I managed to cut the grass to a fourth of it’s original length, but it was still long. So we went back to finalise some stuff, like trying to clear the lawn as much as possible, and wat else to do and wat nots, before lydia’s dad came with a worker to cut the grass for us. He was awesome! The lawn looked so much better, and we learned that we didn’t have to clear the grass. We could have just left it on the lawn for it to be fertiliser. Mua haha so after that, we flushed out everything once more, cleared the stray grass and stuff, and we left shortly.

The next time we met up was on the day of the party itself. We finished up the balloons, tied all the hearts to the railings, decided where to put the balloons, then we went to lydia’s place to slack all the way till it was time to go. Then we went back to the place and we tied the balloons, the sign that says “just a party” and put on the lights. But then it started raining and it was so sad, cos the sign got destroyed and we were so afraid that the balloons would burst or something. Oh yeah and the caterers came with all the tables and chairs and the food, and we had to set everything up. And when everything was done, we ate first. Haha. Then people started to come and it was still raining, but thank goodness the balloons held up. So i was just sitting, being bored and stuff, then i decided to go out in the rain to see wat Lydia was doing. Oh yeah and Cherie was dressed up as an angel and Lydia was dressed up as a devil. Hahah damn cool. right, so i tried to shelter people and stuff. Then Cherie asked me to go get jon cher and sham from the bus stop. I went to the bus stop, waited for them for 5 minutes and then left, cos i didn’t bring my phone so they couldn’t have contacted me. Then just as i was strolling back to the place, i saw two people and a girl that looked like she walked like sham. So i called out, and turns out tht tht was her and he. Haha she was wearing devil’s horns, and he was holding this cricket bat, and he had this mask on. It was damn cool. But he act damn cool, like don’t know me, then act violent. Hahaha and for a moment i really thought tht tht was someone else, but anw we got back to the place and everyone was staring at him. It was damn funny la. Hahahaha ok then later i became the photographer, and had to photograph everyone, and i became the photographer for the party from then on. Quite fun la. Then don’t have to socialise. Hahah So... the party sorted ended on its own when the caterers came to collect the tables and chairs back. everyone started leaving then in the end there was only, Lydia, Cherie, shawn, andre (lydia’s bro), lydia’s parents, and me to wait for mama to come pick me, Cherie, the fans, and cherie’s speakers back. haha. Only then did i realise how tired i was, cos i needed a drink and just to sit down. But it was fun overall. Oh haha and we palyed musical chairs, and the prize was the balloons, but the winner didn’t want it, so i used my pen knife to burst all the balloons. Quite shiok. But tiring. Hahaha ok i think tht’s all... i think the fun parts for me was to cut the grass with the brush cutter, tie the ballons, and basically, all the saikang. Hahahaha omg i think i’m such a weirdo.

ok the next time i'll blog about the lombok thing in detail. but i might not, cos i've been busy getting all the songs i want which is a lot of work... i wanna get it done before enlistment. omg and i'm leaving for thailand on friday! i think i shant bother blogging about tht in detail. maybe only the important events. :D

and omg this is the first post of the year! hahaha i didnt celebrate "new year's day" cos (i just came up with this) new year is nothing without ang bao, so since this has no ang bao, this is not new year. hahah. when i heard the fireworks, i was like, "oh time to sleep" and then i went to sleep. i sleep so well. hahahah

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG

2010-12-25T02:36:00.002+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG.

i'm going off to lombok in about 12 hours time. yayy!! and on thursday, i bought unreal tournament 3 and i shaved my head. yayy!! oh and i watched gulliver's travels and hello stranger. yayy!!

the game is really really really fun!! and thank goodness my computer is good enough for the game!! yayy!!! the weapons are exactly the same as in unreal tournament, but somehow, it's just mroe fun. hahah. maybe cos of the graphics and stuff.

and i'm enjoying being botak, the only "bad" thing about being botak is that it's more difficult to wear shirt now cos i'll go against the grain of the hair, if u know wat i mean. now, i only need a pea sized blob of shampoo, and i only need to swipe my towel across my head once to dry it, and last but not least, my head feels like velvet now. hahahahhaha

the movies i watched were awesome!!! especially hello stranger! even though it's in thai. i hope the translation was accurate. :D it was sooooooooooooooooooooo funny. you all should go watch it. hahah the cinema was packed with couples, and there was a group of 5/6 girls sitting to the right of me. and they were all tearing at the end of the movie! hahahah in fact i think most people were. i think i was too pre-occupied wondering if the plot was possible to think how sad it actually is. or if it isn't. haha. but when it comes to movies, i'm a very easy person to please. soooooooooooooo.... in the end, i just accepted it. i give it a 4.5/5 stars. gullivers travels was almost as awesome, except for it's lame ending. it made me go "laaaaaame....." but i knew it was a jack black thing. so, it's ok.

woohoo!! ok i've watched all the movies i wanted and could, for the rest arent open yet, like pirates of the carribean FOUR. woohoo!! i heard tht the pirate version of fantastic four will be featured in this movie, like, not. hahahha.

oh n this year during christmas mass, erjie sang for the choir, and the aircon broke down, and the lights could only be turned on on half of the church. haha. wat tough luck. :D

okie dokies. byeeeeeeeeeeeeee see you all on the 30th/31st!! oh and yayy! cant wait for cherie's party! as in the clean up. i look forward to the clean up more than the party itself. can u believe it? hahahah

insomniaaaaaaaaa

2010-12-23T03:14:00.002+08:00

ok i cant sleep, so i'm blogging with my phone now. Hahaha

I'm listening to all the songs tht i downloaded these 2 days right now, n i'm leaving for my first holiday this year on sat. YAYY!!! Ok i know these 2 things no link but, i collected the shears for cherie's party frm liu shu already. So dont be jealous tht it's a new shiney one with japanese stickers on it's handles.

Sigh... I'm quite sad cos i'm sick so i cant exercise this whole week. Coughing n have dark green mucus. But at least it's clear now. So it means i'm recovering. :)

Tonight's dinner was quite cool. We had german sausages, taiwan sausage, brocolli n cheese, sushi, salmon sashimi and sunny side up. Hahaha. Some international buffet.

And speaking abt buffet!! My dream last night was quite cool! I dreamt tht i was in thailand with liu shen, san jie, estelle n julian. we at this buffet n julian n i was walking n taking the food n eating at the same time cos we had to rush for something. N i rmb tht there were many prawn dishes n they looked so yummy. (coon would have enjoyed this dream haha) I couldnt wait to eat them. Then suddenly papa woke me up, n he told me tht it's lunch time. Then i thought to myself, "huh... But i just ate, i'm very full..." hahahaha

Ingrid michaelson is quite awesome. :D

Woohoo!!! Lombok lombok lombok!!! Cant wait. But i havent packed yet!! Hahah n i'm gonna shave botak tmr/today thursday. :) or maybe friday...

happy birthday, tom tuck and terry!!!

2010-12-21T17:15:00.003+08:00

hahaha today is my terrapins' 2nd birthday. and to celebrate, i went to watch a movie! it was tron legacy and it was super duper awesome. :DDD i loved it. and yesterday, i watched narnia. tht one was alright, kinda lame cos it was obviously meant for kids n i was just wondering, maybe i'm outgrowing these kinds of movies. hahahaha

i just rmbed that i wanted to get the kayak 1 star and i went to check, they had a course from 18th to 21st dec. like wtfffffff. anw, i went to check just now. and they have a slot in the 29th and 30th jan weekend. i want to go, but it's after my wisdom tooth surgery on the 18th. and mama refuses to ask the clinic if it's ok for me to go. damn pissed. she just doesnt want me to go. i swear i really feel like living my own life and gettign away from everybody and everything sometimes. especially so now that it's holidays. i cant even do wat i want. just give me some space to grow la. not too much to ask right.

fuck

ok great. now i can go. but still pissed. argh.

ok let's try to forget abt this.

yesterday i went to play lfd2 with val's bf's friends. quite fun. i wish i had that game. and i want to go get my unreal tournament!!! haha ok i got nothing to say. bye